My Diagnosis

I went to the doctor today and filled out a whole bunch of paperwork about my symptoms. Since I have never gotten help before- I had no idea what to expect. I arrived early to fill out the paperwork. My husband was by my side and so supportive, I knew I was safe, but I still couldn’t help the tightness in my throat. My hands were fidgety, my chest was tight and my eyes were shifty.

Finally, my name was called. I followed the woman to get my blood pressure taken, my weight (yay) and then followed her down a hallway. I hate hallways. It had a lot of doors too which is so stressful. I half expected someone to jump out at me. No one did though.

I sat down in her office and she began the hour long process of asking me questions. Normally I do not mind questions about my life- but these questions were the questions I always try and avoid. I immediately began to feel my air get cold in my throat, my hands wouldn’t stop moving and I kept holding my breath.

We went through all the paperwork and questions at a nice pace. It wasn’t too overwhelming. Once she was done entering all my answers into the computer- she called for the doctor to come see me.

He came in and was very friendly. He got right to the point and even printed out my medications that I will have to take from now on. I had no idea what I had been diagnosed with. I didn’t know if I would be at all. I had my guesses but I wasn’t exactly sure. I thought I would get just an occasional dose of meds for when my panic attacks were really bad.

Nope. I have 2 different medications to take daily and then another one for when my anxiety really spikes. Thankfully when we filled them, all 3 only totaled up to under $10. I really hope they work. I won’t say what they are just because I don’t want to.

The doctor said I am suffering from PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Moderate Major Depression because of the PTSD and I have General Anxiety Disorder because of the PTSD too. I wasn’t expecting Depression. I mean I know when I feel down or sad I “feel depressed” but major depression. Wow. Now I kinda know how Robin Williams felt. You can hide depression and most people are shocked to find out that you have it because you “seem happy”.

My chest and throat are still so tight and I notice I hold my breath a lot. I don’t know why but I always do. My therapist said I have PTSD but it is nice to have it on paper and Doctor diagnosed that in fact I do suffer from these 3 things.

It is really hard to open up about this face to face with someone, a friend, or a family member because I don’t look hurt. If I had a broken arm or foot, people would better understand. I really hope this works and my PTSD won’t be so bad.

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My Condescending Mother

Do you have one of these? If so, I feel your pain! I was on the phone with my therapist today and I uncovered something valuable. I have been converting vhs tapes into dvds for my family. So I have been seeing how my life was when I was just a few months old,  a toddler and then as a 6 year old. And let me tell ya- subconsciously I had not idea how much this stuff was bothering me.

I went into work and had a huge panic attack just because my schedule changed. I felt like I had no control over my emotions, my home, my job- ugh it was horrible. But anyways- back to the original story…

I ALWAYS swore up and down my mother was the best thing out there before she remarried my step dad. I associated all her changes then. Soooo NOT TRUE. Her outwards changes, moving around and abuse started to take shape more and become more outwardly noticeable but not her condescending attitude.

I also realize I am the same age as she was in the videos. And not to toot my own horn- but I am way more mature than her. She was not ready to have children. Emotionally she couldn’t handle it. I am so surprised I have turned out the way I have. It is only by the grace of God that I am the complete opposite of her. I am nurturing, passionate and caring. Granted I got some of her in me too, stubborn, opinionated, judgmental & unforgiving (I am trying to break those last two).

So here I am editing these videos and I hear her comments- her attitude towards me being a little kid. She was so mean! Instead of nurturing me- she cuts me down for others to laugh, belittles hurtful situations, doesn’t console me but makes fun of me, never gives me complements or encouragement. In the videos I struggled to really speak because I believe of her attitude towards me. I always felt stupid.

When I was older it was more noticeable that I couldn’t ever please her. She wanted me to be smart, I wasn’t. I have dyslexia and I used to stutter. I would shut down with stressful situations because I didn’t want to be judged, yelled at or criticized. She wanted me to sew, cook, clean, have the Bible memorized, have a  4.0 GPA, skinnier, less busty- this list goes on.

I understand wanting the best for your child and giving them life skills. I will do the same. But HOW she went about it was all completely wrong. I never got any love, any support, any meaningful conversation that I recall. I feel more like a trophy than a daughter. And believe me I struggled so when I didn’t deliver being a “trophy” I was cut out and cut off. Hello exile!

I always strived for attention and love because I never got it. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to do in life. I never had the opportunity because she was so concerned with how I made her look. I get so incredibly angry at her, even still with no contact. I just want to make her pay and owe up to how she treated me.

Lord help me when I have my babies and she wants to come around. If she isn’t careful I will be out for blood. (Not literally)

On another note though, I am trying to see how my other family members love me, even though they are all kinda condescending to me. I guess that gene runs in the family. Ugh how I hate it. Why can’t you just be nice?

PS This thursday I have an appointment at the local Psych Center. I might have another post coming this week depending on how I feel. Thank you to all who follow this blog, like my posts, comment and support me. ❤

Triggers Everywhere

I woke up this morning thinking this will be an excellent day.

I woke up and check Facebook, there is this feminist video that is going round and I decided to watch it. The video has little girls dressed up as princesses using the Fbomb to get their point across.

The little girls started talking about how 1 out of 5 women will end up being sexually assaulted. They kept saying the word rape. This is my trigger month. I am hyper sensitive to this month because this is when my rape happened.

Personally, I don’t want to talk to about it. I get too depressed and anxious. Sometimes it gets so bad I do not want to be at work. I work in retail so when I see strange men I don’t know, I get overwhelmed, which working in retail happens a lot.

There used to be a man that would come into my old job all the time that looked very similar to my rapist and I would go into an internal frenzy. So my question is- is it healthy to continue to let my body feel this way? Because I tend to block it out and push it away.

Granted my rape happened in 2006, but this is the first year I went to counseling and resurfaced all this stuff. People, even my family, don’t really understand why it affects me so much after it has been so long.

They don’t even understand why my abusive home memories still affect me the way they do either. My family, the ones I trust enough with this, just say “You should be over it by now”, “Why can’t you just get over it?” “Stop being a victim”, “I thought you’d fight more”…

Really? Come on! That just makes me want to cut myself all over again. Or just fall off the face of the earth and leave everything behind. I tell myself those things all the time. I just want to be heard. Talking about a sexual assault is still too taboo sometimes for normal conversation… so how do you know who you can confide in that can help you or just be there to listen?

Hip Popping Syndrome Caused by Physical Abuse as a Child?

Have you heard of Hip Popping Syndrome? Maybe you have it and never knew it was a syndrome like I did. I literally have had it, (a popping, snapping, sometimes painful tendon grinding against my hip bone on both sides) ever since I can remember. AND ever since I can remember my mother made me run on the treadmill  every morning at 5 am because she wanted me to.

I have done a little research on this and I am so mad beyond type-able words. It is said that YOUNG athletes can develop this, along with repetitive vigorous exercise and girls/women are more prone to develop it.

But anyways back to the story. I recently met with my Pastor and I now have uncovered a true HATE for my mother. If you follow my blog and have read some of my stories, this is just another one to add to bucket of how she failed me as a mother.

She used to be fat in school. She had these huge thighs and she still does, very pear shape. So she would make ME run on the treadmill at least 1 mile under a certain time period. I would have to write my time on the calendar for her to approve. If I didn’t get up in time, didn’t go the distance, went past the time, or held onto the handle bars- I would get into trouble. Like not be able to go to school, or have to run more, kinda trouble.

A bitch with issues will be her name now. GEEZ! I am so sick and tired of finding out and realizing all the shit she did to me. And the best part is (not really), I can’t talk to anyone about it on that side or even to her because they all don’t believe it. I say the words I need to say to get over it. I can’t express my emotions, I can’t tell her I hate her, I can’t yell and scream at her because she wants nothing to do with me.

Maybe I was born with hip popping- I don’t know. But I can guarantee you- her abuse didn’t make it any better. I have so much anger with her. Like I said I met with my Pastor a couple weeks ago and he talked to me about forgiveness to let myself rest.

I want to forgive and move on and not be chained to the past anymore but it is kinda hard when “the bitch with issues” has caused me so much pain, mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually.

Can I sue her? lol

Is An Abusive Home Always Abusive?

I have been secretly asking myself this question. It dawned on me that just because my relationship with my “mother” is abusive, manipulative, emotionally distant, liar, actress, condescending, negative, self seeking can those tendencies still remain there in that house? As you know, if you read my blog, I have little sisters that live in that same house.

I can’t do anything about it. I am cut off from that family and have been for years. I just now have made it my choice to be cut off and no contact. My home life with my mother was horrible. It was so forceful, yelling, screaming, silent treatments, punishment through many different ways, I was a hit a few times out of her anger when I was littler. I saw my sisters get so hits during one “spanking” I had to look away.

But my sisters- I can’t tell you what they truly think. They aren’t allowed to contact anyone and if they do she is right there. They are also home-schooled. I know homeschooling in itself isn’t bad but I do feel it needs to be regulated or at least checked in on from time to time. That is my personal opinion.

After CPS was called on for me, or at least my school checked in, (on my home life after I told a counselor some of the things that went on in that house) she wanted to home school me. Staying home was complete torture to me. I walked on eggshells all day. I couldn’t be kid, I didn’t have friends and I couldn’t bother her at all. Thankfully my father (they are divorced) stepped in and said  “Hell no”.

When I was growing up as a child and a teen I knew my home life wasn’t normal because I had my dad’s house to go to. I saw other family and had an escape to go to. So what does that mean for my sisters who have both of their parents still together and conducting this home school, control type thing?

Personally I feel that home-schooling for some is not about the child, I feel like it is a way to maintain control and dependency. But for the poor child who doesn’t know any different- how do you begin to explain that their home is not normal? I do not know if they go through the abuse that I did. I don’t believe it is as physical as mine was but I do believe she is emotionally neglective. She trains the children in the way she wants them to go.

Of course they have their home school friends and co-op classes but those are all pre-determined by my mother. And if my mother has made up her mind that you are a threat- goodbye to you! I wish I could call her out on all of this. But no one in the family sees it and if they do they are shutting up about it.

I can’t keep living my life worried about my sisters or what will happen or if I will have a relationship with them. As sad as it is- a time with come but right now ignorance is bliss for them. I just won’t be surprised if one or any of them won’t be able to go to church or do anything else that is a trigger. What happens when they are 18 or go to college? What will they think?

I hope with all my life that they aren’t going through the same emotions I went through secretly on my own. That would break my heart.

Oh great….

I just found out yesterday that a family trip will include the person I am trying to cut out of my life. My mother or who I call by her real name. When you say mother- I don’t think of anyone in particular. It is just a confusing word to me. But anyways my sisters are going which is a huge plus!!! 😀 😀 At least I am able to see them, talk with them, take pictures and build some memories with them. (hopefully)

I am trying not to think or worry too much about it because it hasn’t happened yet. I don’t want to put my body through that kind of stress when it doesn’t need to be. But just the other night I was crying my eyes out because it hit me once again so very hard that “my own mother doesn’t want me”.

Instead of thinking how messed up she is in not wanting her own daughter, I think of how much of s screw up I must be for her not to want me. I have to continually train my mind into thinking that she is the one with the problems not me. And also to focus on all the positives in my life and the people that do love and want me.

It is just a catch 22 with a mother/family member who doesn’t want you/abused you… I long for a normal, loving, healthy relationship and I hope it will happen someday. That hope almost always tricks me into coming back and begging for anything I can get (relationship wise). Sure go off on me, blame me completely, make me feel fat, ugly, stupid and like a waste of your time but you still are talking with me and that is something!

On the other hand I just want to punch her! & tell her every emotion she has ever made me feel. I am not the one to blame, I am not the one who has the issues here. I am a great person. I deserve more. It is not my fault and never was, I am not fat nor ugly that is your insecurity showing through- not mine.

The worse thing I hate is pretending everything is normal in front of the public or friends or family just for the sake of “being a good girl” or not hashing it out. There is a difference in being civil and being fake. She wants it all to be perfect and like nothing is wrong and if there is something wrong, it is ALL MY FAULT… well this family function isn’t going to work that way.

The ONLY thing holding me back is my sisters. I don’t want them to see anything ugly coming from me because they won’t understand. They love her and think she is the bestest thing in the world and I am just the estranged sister that never comes around. I don’t want to push them away but at the same time… I am not about to hug her, smile and make small talk. I will ignore her. Like she always has to me or I will be really shut off and cold. So she knows how it feels.

Granted my family doesn’t want either involved or denies that my mother could ever do such a thing to me like abuse. They want me to be hush hush too because they can’t deal with the fact that I am right. Well I am not here to make nice. I still go through torture every holiday, event and I have this hole in my heart that she put there when she decided to not care about me.  I am done pretending.

We leave next week to the day actually- so I will have to update next week. As of right now I feel like a ton of weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I am going to enjoy my day off and not think another thought about her or next week.

Sometimes You Just Gotta Say F It

Excuse my language but it is true. I am not proud to cuss- I never do unless something calls for it. But I have come to realize all the crap I have been through sometimes there is just no other way expressing the anger I feel.

Next week is my final week with my therapist. She will be back in another place that costs $$ back in August but I don’t know if I really need to see her after this. I have made some major breaks with all my abuse, nightmares, sexual abuse and my exercise abuse.

I was forced to run every day on the treadmill for my m. ‘s lack of self confidence in herself. She viewed me as just an extension of herself and not as my own person. The repercussions of that is she was living through me. Since she was fat in middle school and high school- I had to run every morning a certain distance under a certain time. If I didn’t reach to what she thought I should or if I fell short- I wouldn’t be allowed to go to school, basketball, or anything else she wanted to come up with.

I remember one time she caught me running with my hands on bars and was “so very disappointed in me” because in her eyes I was cheating. She wouldn’t let me go to basketball practice until I ran that mile without touching the handle bars.

I went back down there and ran that whole mile without touching the handle bars fused on anger while her fat ass sat on the couch watching me. So you can imagine the extreme hate I have for exercise, treadmills or anything pushing my body to the limits. I associated that with my m.’s abuse. If I did exercise it would either put me back into that state, make me extremely angry to the point that I wanted to cut, or so depressed I wanted to end my life.

Now- I can’t tell you what clicked but I believe it is because I disowned her publicly for the first time ever in my life. Granted some family didn’t approve and gave me a 1,2… (which doesn’t matter).. but ever since then- I am able to handle conflicts better, especially with women.

I guess I viewed all women like my mother so I would never speak up and say something if I disagreed, felt pressured, angry, hurt or what have you. I would just say silent. Well since I broke the silence with my mother, I have broken my silence entirely. Now- that doesn’t mean I shout it from the rooftops but this girl has some backbone for the first time in her life. 🙂

Now to my point of all this and the reason why I titled this blog this way.. Yesterday was my first day working out and I ran on the treadmill. I only ran .5 of a mile, but who am I am trying to impress? This is the first time I am able to truly work out in a healthy way in probably, no joke, 3 years.

Well those emotions came up in me again.. of needing to be perfect in my run, not touching the handle bars, doing everything perfectly, I even felt the sense of anger arising in me again. I didn’t panic, I didn’t stress… I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and said, “Fuck off (my mother’s name).”  That seemed to work. Now I didn’t say it outloud, I said it in my head. You can say it as many times as needed but to my surprise I only needed to say it once.

After that I am able to work out fine, I just don’t allow myself to go back to that state. I have handled it and I can deal with it when it arises but I don’t go searching for triggers or trying to remember. I hope this helps someone like it did for me.

I can’t tell you how long I have waited for the chains to break. I finally do feel free. So it is true- sometimes you do just gotta say F*&K IT. I wish you the best.