Triggers Everywhere

I woke up this morning thinking this will be an excellent day.

I woke up and check Facebook, there is this feminist video that is going round and I decided to watch it. The video has little girls dressed up as princesses using the Fbomb to get their point across.

The little girls started talking about how 1 out of 5 women will end up being sexually assaulted. They kept saying the word rape. This is my trigger month. I am hyper sensitive to this month because this is when my rape happened.

Personally, I don’t want to talk to about it. I get too depressed and anxious. Sometimes it gets so bad I do not want to be at work. I work in retail so when I see strange men I don’t know, I get overwhelmed, which working in retail happens a lot.

There used to be a man that would come into my old job all the time that looked very similar to my rapist and I would go into an internal frenzy. So my question is- is it healthy to continue to let my body feel this way? Because I tend to block it out and push it away.

Granted my rape happened in 2006, but this is the first year I went to counseling and resurfaced all this stuff. People, even my family, don’t really understand why it affects me so much after it has been so long.

They don’t even understand why my abusive home memories still affect me the way they do either. My family, the ones I trust enough with this, just say “You should be over it by now”, “Why can’t you just get over it?” “Stop being a victim”, “I thought you’d fight more”…

Really? Come on! That just makes me want to cut myself all over again. Or just fall off the face of the earth and leave everything behind. I tell myself those things all the time. I just want to be heard. Talking about a sexual assault is still too taboo sometimes for normal conversation… so how do you know who you can confide in that can help you or just be there to listen?

The Secret Beast

Now that I have talked about the issues with my birth mother and I have publicly opened up about how life was with her- I am moving onto the next hard topic. It is probably harder than the problems I had with my mother.

We  (my therapist and I) are going to start tackling the issues of my rape & molestation, my attention seeking, how I can go from wanting sex all the time to “don’t touch me”. It will be really hard. We briefly spoke about it today and I have been doing some research on the internet. I still fantasize about rape situations so much that I want it to happen again with anyone. But during night I will have nightmares of cheating on my husband and I wake up feeling so shameful for enjoying sex with others.

I was raped two weeks (roughly) after having sex for the first time ever, by an acquaintance. But in truth that is actually my 3rd encounter with sex or something of that nature. When I was 6, I was molested, I can’t remember all details- I wish I could. Then I had sex when I was 18 for the first time with a guy I was seeing, then raped 2 weeks after someone different. So my first couple of experiences have been mostly bad.

The fantasies I have will be hostage, dominating, humiliating and forced but even just typing it- I am really liking the thoughts. BUT I did find something online that talks about people who have had sexual abuse associate sex=rape=pleasure and that I have to go through some intense brain re-wiring to know that rough sex isn’t the only way.

I just hate the fact I want attention so badly. I can drive down a road and every man I see I can see them raping me and I feel so terrified with panic attacks but the next day I could do/see the same thing and totally want it to happen.

I am really wanting help tackling this secret beast. It’s taking over my waking life, my dreams and affecting me.

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Cornered

It has been a couple days since my last post and I have calmed down. I wouldn’t say it is because I know how to calm myself down or that I dealt with the emotions… but that just enough time has passed for me to be able to stuff it down inside again.

Yesterday at work after we closed, we do a walk through of the store to make sure everyone is out and that is looks nice for the next day. There is a section in the back room where there are rows and rows of stock that lead to a dead end. As I was walking down this section alone, I realized that I started to have an anxiety attack. The one thing I hate more then anything is not only having the sense of fear or panic, but in public where I have to try and hide it.dead-end-street

I kept walking down and noticed that the walls were concrete so if I needed to escape this dead end I couldn’t. I was trapped. Once this thought entered my mind I decided I will never walk all the way down to the end again. I will never go down that aisle and be trapped with no escape. As I kept walking my anxiety and panic were at its’ peak when I was at the end of aisle. When I was walking away from the dead end my anxiety lessened.

I have come to the conclusion, that should of be so obvious to me before, but I hate being cornered. My sexual molestation when I was six happened because I physically put into a corner. My rape happened when I was “cornered” into a car without escape. Just even thinking about that dead end corner makes my chest tighten.

I apologize but this is where this entry has to stop. I cannot write any further due to my anxiety right now. I wish and hope one day I will be strong enough to speak more.

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The Changed Dream

I nudged my husband as I woke up in an internal panic. I just had another rape dream. The fear feels so real- that scares me more than anything else. Here I am up at 4am- (the time is always wrong when my posts are published) blogging about it to hopefully “deal” with it effectively. I want to let myself experience it instead of blocking it out.

This dream was different from all the others. I have never had deception. When I do have dreams about rape they are very violent and already in the process of happening when my dreaming begins. I am forced to do things and endure things and the situation, people, setting and abuse always changes.

In this dream I was outside & behind of the building where I go for counseling. There was a TV on at the edge of the sidewalk, it was displaying some movie (kinda like Wal-Mart TVs in the Entertainment Department). When I started to watch it no one was around or parked near me. I remember smiling at the TV and enjoying myself. I can’t remember what was on that I liked so much. After a couple minutes of watching the TV, something had caught my eye.

The way the back of the building is setup in my dream is that a sidewalk wraps all the way around the building. There is also a wrap around parking lot that is fenced in by concrete on both sides. Behind the building and past the parking lot there is an exit road that will lead into a neighborhood. The building is in the middle of downtown. The only way cars can park is along each side of the building facing away from the sidewalk near the concrete walls. There wasn’t any car parked directly behind the building because it was an open lot leading to dumpsters, other houses and the exit road.

I noticed to my left that there was a maroon Chevy Silverado (1994 model) parked beside the side walk on the other side. It was the only car parked on that side of the building and in that manner. It was very odd. I walk along the sidewalk and notice a young man talking with a woman. She was now walking away from him and up towards the front of the building out of sight. I didn’t get to see her face or hear what they were talking about. I stopped at the corner of the sidewalk about 12-15 feet away from him when he noticed me.

He turned to look at me. His hair was thick, black and combed back. He was dressed well, blue jeans and a tan/brown jacket. His glasses were a bit bigger then his face. The young man’s demeanor was unconfident. He nervously fidgeted as soon as he looked at me. It was almost as if females noticing him made him uncomfortable. He behaved and spoke in a way that would be classified as “nerdy”.

I offered him some friendly advice and told him he couldn’t park his truck like that- along the sidewalk. His truck was dusty but I couldn’t see inside it. After I politely informed him of his parking, he started walking towards me. His voice was shaky, nervous and a bit “high” all in which did not seem threatening. He wasn’t that close to me when he told me why he was parked like that.

“You see,” he began to explain. “I like to come back here from time to time to make sure everything is okay. I was just helping my aunt out.” I nodded my head, believing his “Good Samaritan” behavior. His shoulders were slumped and his smile was awkward and gaudy. He stopped walking because I was now walking away from him towards the exit road. I smiled at him but regretted getting attention from this awkward guy. I don’t know exactly why at this point- I honestly thought in my dream he was that guy that wouldn’t get the picture that you weren’t “into him”. Kinda like Steve with Laura Winslow on the show Family Matters.

I continued walking slowly away from him when I heard him say one last thing. “You know there was been a lot of crime on women here.” I stopped and looked at him. My eyes met his and my chest got tight again. The pause seemed like minutes. He un-slumped his shoulders showing off his muscular build and his eyes went from harmless to predator. I looked him in the eyes and then my eyes went to his pants. I knew in that moment he wasn’t a “Good Samaritan”- he wanted to rape me and he was going to get me.

He knew that I knew that’s what he wanted. I nervously smiled at him and began to walk faster. He did as well. I tucked my hair behind my ears and started to jog. He jogged too. Then I knew I for sure he wanted me. His pace quickened again. It became an all out sprint as he came for me faster and faster. My heart raced, my legs moved, my mind panicked. He was going to force himself on me once he caught me. I could feel his hands already on me as I ran.

 

I woke up. When I woke up I had fear in my mind but intense pleasure vibrations in my body. That doesn’t make any sense to me to be mentally terrified but yet physically yearning? As a laid there half asleep- all different kinds of scenarios went rushing through my head. They were of him catching me, ripping my clothes off, stabbing me, beating me and forcing me. I remember his small tattoo on the inside of his groin. I imagined being left for dead.

The most interesting part was what happened next. All the abuse was in flashes, my awake mind was making up the possibilities. But in the midst of all the trauma it was all completely wiped from my mind. I was back into my dream. I was running away from him- where I had been left before the flashes started. I was running fast but he was closing the distance on me. I just needed to run to the exit road and down to the neighborhood.

I finally got there and instead of him grabbing me at the road- he was grabbed. He was rushed in by multiple police and hand cuffed. I have never ever been able to alter a dream but in this one  I did. I took the power back. I was in control. After he was cuffed the police thanked me for my work and that they had been working to catch this guy after multiple women came forward explaining who their rapist was and how he deceived them. I was happy to help and I smiled as I saw the guy get taken away in the cop car.

*                       *                        *

When I nudged my husband- I wanted to feel safe. He put his arms around me and that helped. The actual thought of physical abuse and violence didn’t bother me. What traumatized me was the deception. Even though it was all a dream/nightmare- I will never forget the eyes that went from harmless to predator in an instant. The deception is what paralyzes me.

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No Noise

I have been trying to catch you all up on the emotions and what I went through as a child so you understand where I am coming from and get the back story. There are obviously some topics I want to talk about but I just cannot bring myself to fully explain my sexual abuse as a child, my rape as a teenager, my physical abuse that was done to me through running, the bullying I faced at two different schools and some other things.

I don’t know why, even with a concealed identity I feel like I am really just opening myself up and overexposing myself. I have talked about it before, even publicly for a school class project but it was more so like word vomit. I wasn’t experiencing or had dealt with what I was saying. It felt like I was just saying facts about me. “Hi, I am 25 years old, I like the color pink, I was raped and I like movies.”

I have no idea why I would casually mention it. I can now understand why people were shocked, boys fled but to me I thought I was just being upfront and honest. Currently I do not mention it so openly because I am scared of scaring people away. I have had somethings happen to me that aren’t to be taken with just a “spoonful of sugar”.

I found Jesus in the mix of all of this which I will also write about, hopefully soon. It feels like I have so many stories to tell- it’s a bit overwhelming. This morning’s blog will be a little more exposed and personal. I had a rough night last night. I suffer from insomnia and have been for awhile. I forced myself to sleep last night and woke up in the hottest sweat yet. I can’t remember my dream- I am normally very good at remembering my dreams. But I can only remember fragments and it was yet another variation of my childhood sexual abuse.

I have nightmares sometimes so vivid and real- it puts me in a serious funk for a couple days and creates a fear of sleeping. When I think back on my sexual abuse and rape there is no noise- it’s quiet, numb and frozen, But in my dreams it’s loud, vicious, humiliating, painful and repeating- which that didn’t happen in my real life incidents.

So why dream that way? My dreams are more traumatic then the actual events I feel like. Maybe that is my subconscious letting myself feel the emotions I was too frozen to feel? I have no idea if that is true or not but it is downright frightening either way.

Thank goodness I didn’t have one of those dreams last night but I still had something. I just can’t remember all of it. And in that dream- it was quiet, not like the loudness of the others. What really shook me and took me back was what happened before I went to sleep.

I have had flashbacks of the rape before. It was right after it happened and they were horrible. Since then not too many flashbacks has happened. But last night it did. And not to give too much detail but it was when I was with my husband. It was beyond what words can explain. There was nothing similar in the situation so it wasn’t a trigger. My best guess is this- I was raped only about 2 weeks after I had my first time with a guy I was dating.  So the rape was my 2nd experience. From then on my sexual experiences have always been about power, lust, and anger. I have never “made love”.

I have been desperately trying with the man that I married, but there is a wall that just can’t be broken down. I just can’t be vulnerable. I am trying my hardest and last night I was trying to remain “there” with him but I could feel myself slipping away.

The romantic candlelight flashed into the cold dark moonlight. The bed flashed to the restraint he forced on me and I could see his hands unzip his jeans. The loving tender eyes of my husband flashed to the hungry eyes of my rapist. And the closer my husband got to me the more it kept flashing back and forth- husband, rapist, husband, rapist, husband, rapist. Until finally- I couldn’t take anymore. I broke down in a hard sob and a panic. That is the first time that has ever happened.

I can’t explain it. Sitting here in my bed, safe and sound, I feel so numb and indifferent. I want to try and sleep again. I want to sleep a peaceful sleep. My words have run out.What if that happens again? How can I overcome this? It’s starting to not just happen in my dreams but now my waking reality. I wish I could catch my breath.