Sometimes You Just Gotta Say F It

Excuse my language but it is true. I am not proud to cuss- I never do unless something calls for it. But I have come to realize all the crap I have been through sometimes there is just no other way expressing the anger I feel.

Next week is my final week with my therapist. She will be back in another place that costs $$ back in August but I don’t know if I really need to see her after this. I have made some major breaks with all my abuse, nightmares, sexual abuse and my exercise abuse.

I was forced to run every day on the treadmill for my m. ‘s lack of self confidence in herself. She viewed me as just an extension of herself and not as my own person. The repercussions of that is she was living through me. Since she was fat in middle school and high school- I had to run every morning a certain distance under a certain time. If I didn’t reach to what she thought I should or if I fell short- I wouldn’t be allowed to go to school, basketball, or anything else she wanted to come up with.

I remember one time she caught me running with my hands on bars and was “so very disappointed in me” because in her eyes I was cheating. She wouldn’t let me go to basketball practice until I ran that mile without touching the handle bars.

I went back down there and ran that whole mile without touching the handle bars fused on anger while her fat ass sat on the couch watching me. So you can imagine the extreme hate I have for exercise, treadmills or anything pushing my body to the limits. I associated that with my m.’s abuse. If I did exercise it would either put me back into that state, make me extremely angry to the point that I wanted to cut, or so depressed I wanted to end my life.

Now- I can’t tell you what clicked but I believe it is because I disowned her publicly for the first time ever in my life. Granted some family didn’t approve and gave me a 1,2… (which doesn’t matter).. but ever since then- I am able to handle conflicts better, especially with women.

I guess I viewed all women like my mother so I would never speak up and say something if I disagreed, felt pressured, angry, hurt or what have you. I would just say silent. Well since I broke the silence with my mother, I have broken my silence entirely. Now- that doesn’t mean I shout it from the rooftops but this girl has some backbone for the first time in her life. 🙂

Now to my point of all this and the reason why I titled this blog this way.. Yesterday was my first day working out and I ran on the treadmill. I only ran .5 of a mile, but who am I am trying to impress? This is the first time I am able to truly work out in a healthy way in probably, no joke, 3 years.

Well those emotions came up in me again.. of needing to be perfect in my run, not touching the handle bars, doing everything perfectly, I even felt the sense of anger arising in me again. I didn’t panic, I didn’t stress… I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and said, “Fuck off (my mother’s name).”  That seemed to work. Now I didn’t say it outloud, I said it in my head. You can say it as many times as needed but to my surprise I only needed to say it once.

After that I am able to work out fine, I just don’t allow myself to go back to that state. I have handled it and I can deal with it when it arises but I don’t go searching for triggers or trying to remember. I hope this helps someone like it did for me.

I can’t tell you how long I have waited for the chains to break. I finally do feel free. So it is true- sometimes you do just gotta say F*&K IT. I wish you the best.

To the One Who Wears the Mask

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I know you.

I am apart of you.

When the fogginess of wanting to be accepted by you has cleared- I am left with heartache. My heart does not ache for myself or my own pain but for the mask wearer. I know if you probably read this it wouldn’t even sink in. You are too far gone in your mask.

I feel your pain and the heaviness of the mask. I didn’t know you as a little child but you went through some traumas of your own. Being the first child- did you have anyone to lean on? Did you create the mask as a little child to fool people that hurt you?

I can see how a mask can be empowering and an escape to a little child when the home is turmoil and unstable. It was like a breath of fresh air. Something you could control and focus your energy into. You can be anyone you want to be in your mask. No one has to know who you really are or what your life is really like. I can understand your mind was just trying to protect its self. I told you- I know you. I am apart of you.

At first the mask was a protection tool and an escape. Over time it became your face, your safe haven, your “go to” and as time went on- you took the mask off less and less. Why would you need to take it off? It would only show the hurt, the pain, the abandonment, the broken home and the abuse. You like the mask better- anyone would.

You have a huge hole in your heart and this mask fills it for you. You rid yourself of the liability of feeling guilt because guilt and shame were thrown at you as a child constantly. You witness first hand how manipulation can get you things that you want so you developed the tool.

As a little girl when you tried to emotionally latch on you were rejected, hurt and abused. You stripped yourself from viewing people as people and only as objects. Looking at a person as an object means they cannot hurt you and you don’t have to be emotionally bound to them.

The mask provides you with just seeing their uses and how they can benefit your mask further. I compare it to sex “without the strings” of the relationship. You view, collect and pick people for their uses and benefits “without the strings” of emotional attachment.

And of course how can a mask be fun if it doesn’t make you feel better? Want to be sexier? Smart? Desirable? Smooth? Charming? You as time went on made the mask so incredibly pretty. You softened the edges so “the objects” can’t find the seam-line. Your mask is slowly latching onto your face but what you have created makes you feel so good.

Let me illuminate something for you before think your mask can save you. Have you ever thought about the side effects of wearing a mask for so long? It gets hot, stuffy, suffocating and sometimes it actually sticks to your face. Your mask helped you as a child deal with your emotions and help defuse the situation but now it is apart of you.  You can’t get it off or change it nor do you want to because you are still that scared little girl behind the mask.

The mask has its own mind now. Its own wants and needs and you must fill it at any cost or it’ll start to crack. And the “objects” will see. The mask that used to be a breath of fresh air is now a parasitic leech. You and your mind have no idea about this. You cannot see the damage it is causing you because you have wiped away the feeling of remorse or guilt. You do not care in your mask. You just want it your way and to feel good about yourself.

The horrible side effect of your mask has made you callous and shallow. Can anyone ever truly smile in a mask? No. No one can see your real smile and the mask won’t let you- even if you knew how to smile. You mimic what you have seen over the years because you, yourself did not let yourself experience or deal with emotions. Your brain never made the connection as a small child.

Your escape has now become your prison. I told you- I know you. I am apart of you.

One night, after I cut my legs so deeply my dad and step mom found me outside. They helped me into the bathroom and washed away all the blood. It was such a humbling, loving experience- I couldn’t help but cry. They were cleaning the cuts I made because I hated myself so much.

I wish I could provide you with that kind of support, love and understanding. They didn’t hate me or get mad at me for what I did. They were just there to surround me with love. I wish I could peel back the mask piece by piece and save you. I would do it in a heartbeat for you. I wouldn’t hate you, judge you, leave you or whatever else you might think- I want to just surround you with love and help you.

This is how much I love you.

My heartaches for you because I know the little girl is stuck behind the mask still reliving all the trauma and pain. I just want her to come out and heal. I want her to experience life in the way it is meant to be, to truly love and to be loved. I don’t want you to drown in your own sorrow and pain. I don’t want you to be cut off from family and friends. I don’t want you to be imprisoned by your own mask- I want you to just be free.

This is how much I love you.