Oh great….

I just found out yesterday that a family trip will include the person I am trying to cut out of my life. My mother or who I call by her real name. When you say mother- I don’t think of anyone in particular. It is just a confusing word to me. But anyways my sisters are going which is a huge plus!!! 😀 😀 At least I am able to see them, talk with them, take pictures and build some memories with them. (hopefully)

I am trying not to think or worry too much about it because it hasn’t happened yet. I don’t want to put my body through that kind of stress when it doesn’t need to be. But just the other night I was crying my eyes out because it hit me once again so very hard that “my own mother doesn’t want me”.

Instead of thinking how messed up she is in not wanting her own daughter, I think of how much of s screw up I must be for her not to want me. I have to continually train my mind into thinking that she is the one with the problems not me. And also to focus on all the positives in my life and the people that do love and want me.

It is just a catch 22 with a mother/family member who doesn’t want you/abused you… I long for a normal, loving, healthy relationship and I hope it will happen someday. That hope almost always tricks me into coming back and begging for anything I can get (relationship wise). Sure go off on me, blame me completely, make me feel fat, ugly, stupid and like a waste of your time but you still are talking with me and that is something!

On the other hand I just want to punch her! & tell her every emotion she has ever made me feel. I am not the one to blame, I am not the one who has the issues here. I am a great person. I deserve more. It is not my fault and never was, I am not fat nor ugly that is your insecurity showing through- not mine.

The worse thing I hate is pretending everything is normal in front of the public or friends or family just for the sake of “being a good girl” or not hashing it out. There is a difference in being civil and being fake. She wants it all to be perfect and like nothing is wrong and if there is something wrong, it is ALL MY FAULT… well this family function isn’t going to work that way.

The ONLY thing holding me back is my sisters. I don’t want them to see anything ugly coming from me because they won’t understand. They love her and think she is the bestest thing in the world and I am just the estranged sister that never comes around. I don’t want to push them away but at the same time… I am not about to hug her, smile and make small talk. I will ignore her. Like she always has to me or I will be really shut off and cold. So she knows how it feels.

Granted my family doesn’t want either involved or denies that my mother could ever do such a thing to me like abuse. They want me to be hush hush too because they can’t deal with the fact that I am right. Well I am not here to make nice. I still go through torture every holiday, event and I have this hole in my heart that she put there when she decided to not care about me.  I am done pretending.

We leave next week to the day actually- so I will have to update next week. As of right now I feel like a ton of weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I am going to enjoy my day off and not think another thought about her or next week.

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