My Diagnosis

I went to the doctor today and filled out a whole bunch of paperwork about my symptoms. Since I have never gotten help before- I had no idea what to expect. I arrived early to fill out the paperwork. My husband was by my side and so supportive, I knew I was safe, but I still couldn’t help the tightness in my throat. My hands were fidgety, my chest was tight and my eyes were shifty.

Finally, my name was called. I followed the woman to get my blood pressure taken, my weight (yay) and then followed her down a hallway. I hate hallways. It had a lot of doors too which is so stressful. I half expected someone to jump out at me. No one did though.

I sat down in her office and she began the hour long process of asking me questions. Normally I do not mind questions about my life- but these questions were the questions I always try and avoid. I immediately began to feel my air get cold in my throat, my hands wouldn’t stop moving and I kept holding my breath.

We went through all the paperwork and questions at a nice pace. It wasn’t too overwhelming. Once she was done entering all my answers into the computer- she called for the doctor to come see me.

He came in and was very friendly. He got right to the point and even printed out my medications that I will have to take from now on. I had no idea what I had been diagnosed with. I didn’t know if I would be at all. I had my guesses but I wasn’t exactly sure. I thought I would get just an occasional dose of meds for when my panic attacks were really bad.

Nope. I have 2 different medications to take daily and then another one for when my anxiety really spikes. Thankfully when we filled them, all 3 only totaled up to under $10. I really hope they work. I won’t say what they are just because I don’t want to.

The doctor said I am suffering from PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Moderate Major Depression because of the PTSD and I have General Anxiety Disorder because of the PTSD too. I wasn’t expecting Depression. I mean I know when I feel down or sad I “feel depressed” but major depression. Wow. Now I kinda know how Robin Williams felt. You can hide depression and most people are shocked to find out that you have it because you “seem happy”.

My chest and throat are still so tight and I notice I hold my breath a lot. I don’t know why but I always do. My therapist said I have PTSD but it is nice to have it on paper and Doctor diagnosed that in fact I do suffer from these 3 things.

It is really hard to open up about this face to face with someone, a friend, or a family member because I don’t look hurt. If I had a broken arm or foot, people would better understand. I really hope this works and my PTSD won’t be so bad.

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The Second Visit

Getting to know someone new is always a bit of a slow process. Today was my 2nd appointment with my new therapist. It went so incredibly well. I feel so relaxed and things just kinda flow out of me. I think going to therapy has increased my happiness and decreased my depression. I have been depressed because I have felt alone. I don’t really have anyone to talk to day in and day out about my struggles because even the most faithful friend or family member doesn’t want to hear about my issues all the time. It’s like my dad has told me. He is so happy that he is finally getting to talk to “me” and not my problems or my anxiety triggers. I can understand that too about my friends. I felt like I was scraping out of a deeper and deeper hole when I had no one to talk to. I was scrambling to get a footing without a therapist to help me. Now that I have someone I can count on and depend on- my “fix” has been met. I still get very terrible migraines and headaches during and after an appointment. But I know that is to be expected. I also know that once an appointment is over- I need about a 2 hr nap if not more. I am not saying everything is perfect. I am still pretty tired actually. I am starting to feel a whole let better. 🙂

The First Day Back

Seeing a new counselor is unnerving for anyone. I was so nervous I wouldn’t like this new person or what if their advice was a bit out there?! lol But that is (thank goodness) not the case here. Sure this one is different than the last. Everyone has different animations, thinking processes, reactions and quirks. It will take time adjusting but I really hope this works out. I am a a little reserved because I am testing out the waters.

I do notice that when I speak about things that happen to me. It is a record playing feeling. I don’t process what I say- I just speak it. I don’t feel, I don’t think- it just comes out of my mouth plain as day just like if you asked me about the weather.

My new counselor has a very easy schedule, which is nice because of my work. I know I am blessed because I can still work full time and get the counseling I need. I already feel better just knowing I have an outlet. Someone who will always listen and who will try and help me.

She asked me to rate how my condition is and I was surprised myself to just see how much my anxiety and avoidance has taken over again. Instead of just occasionally happening, it is everyday, avoidance type thing. Plus sleep disturbances, flashbacks, nightmares, and instead of flashing back all the time, my mind constantly makes up new trauma that could possibly happen before my very eyes. Like robberies, car accidents, shootings, my own death, rape again, violence and more.

I did have a bad headache when meeting with her, and whenever I talk or think about these things. I am starting to get one now and I also get extremely tired. Alright sorry to end so abruptly but there is only so much I can talk about in one sitting before it becomes too much.

Stuck

I don’t know what I want to talk about today. I wanted to avoid blogging but I decided it is best. This past Sunday was an ugly one for me. I can’t even say the word Sunday sometimes. I know I need to work on my trigger words- I haven’t yet.

But anyways… My husband really wants to be involved in our church. I do too at some point, but I can’t now. As soon as I go into church, around smiling, happy faces I feel like I have to be smiling and happy too. It is annoying and stressful- to pretend that everything is fine when it isn’t.

But let’s say I make it through that part. The part that really chokes me up is seeing everyone with their families, all sitting together. Babies, sisters, brothers, moms, dads, grandparents and so forth. It reminds me how for most of my life I truly felt rejected by one side of my family and of how my own mother doesn’t want me in her life.

I am too much of a trigger for her. I can’t see or spend time alone with my sisters. They are growing up without me. And not by my choice. It wouldn’t matter if I was the most perfect daughter in the world- she still wouldn’t want me there. I look like my dad. I am close to my dad. I went to live with him when I was 14. So in her mind I chose him over her. Which in reality I didn’t. I didn’t feel wanted or loved with her. I wanted to go somewhere where I was loved.

That part- I can never make it through because if I try- I can’t pretend I am happy at that point. I start to cry or frown, get jealous, mad, lonely, anxious. I then feel that pain of rejection for the rest of the week.

I decided I am going to try and go back to therapy. It won’t happen till probably next year because of my job but I will try. I have no idea how to face this. This past Sunday was ugly because I didn’t want to go and when someone pushes me to go- I get extremely hateful, snappy, depressed and angry.

I feel like a frightened dog that is cornered and afraid of confronting it head on. It also feels like no one understands. Sure they understand it for a little while, how I can struggle with this for a little while. But to struggle with this for 13+ years, people start to get less understanding and more pushy.

Even my own father says it’s like I am still 13 and stuck.

“Declined” a Trigger Word of Mine

Sorry I haven’t written in awhile. Lots of changes have been happening. I got promoted and have been so super busy. I wanted to talk about another trigger word that I have come across.

My husband and I were applying for a card to build some credit. I have never had credit before so getting a credit card could be a task. I maybe declined or not approved.

Anyways, sitting in the chair hearing the man say, “You maybe declined” or “You maybe not approved”, made me feel so trashy. He didn’t say it in any mean tone or with an additional meaning. He was just explaining what might happen and why. He doesn’t know me personally.

But just to think that I am not “approved” was devastating. Why wouldn’t the credit card company want me? Am I not good enough? Smart enough? Why wouldn’t I be approved?

I was sitting there just thinking of all these things. I realized just how much those two phrases really hurts my self esteem. I get depressed and sad just thinking about it now. Why am I not good enough? Why do I feel not good enough?

The same thing happens when I see a bigger woman than myself wearing tighter clothes. She looks nice, the clothes flatter her body shape and I think she looks perfectly fine and pretty. But if I wear something remotely the same or tight- I feel like a tub of fat ugly lard that no one should look at.

Just the other day I got my picture taken. I stood up straight, smiled and felt confident. I looked at the picture and all I saw was how small my head was compared to my large chest, my fat arms, and not so flat midsection. I felt like Beetlejuice when his head was shrunk.

I want to work out to become skinnier and I feel like that will truly help all my problems. My chest will go from a DD to a B/C, my muffin top will go away and I will finally have abs. I will finally feel good enough, worthy enough to enjoy life. But at the same time I am so torn- I want to love myself for who I am and where I am.

Sunday Trigger Words

Okay I am going to do this. Ugh I really really really do not want to do this but I promised myself and my husband that I would. I couldn’t go to ___ last week because of all my triggers. So I promised I work on associating good memories or neutral meaning with my trigger words so that maybe I can go this week.

 

My Faith Trigger Words:

Sunday

Church

Pray

Christian

He is Risen, He is Risen Indeed

In Jesus Name, Amen

Jesus

Jesus Christ

Meet and Greet

Certain Bible Stories are also a Trigger

Songs are triggers

Bible

Scriptures

(I have so much anxiety right now, I am shaking… it is hard to think)

 

“I Will Pray for You”- Why that Triggers my Anxiety

I met with my Pastor yesterday and he gave me some insight and some hard challenges. I will talk more about it when I am up for it but right now I will just keep it brief. One of the things that has always caused anxiety for me is my Trigger words that take me back to my Spiritual force fed abuse from my mother (that I still get).

My pastor gave me the challenge to think of a new happy memory and attach it to those words, give the word either a new meaning or say something different completely. He explained to me that every word we know, that I know, is neutral. We attach, I attach, specific meanings and memories to it.

For example, some words I cannot stand to hear. It urks me, it makes my blood boil and hatred to rise up in me. One of those words is PRAY. I hate that word. When I think of PRAY I think of the hypocrisy people use (my mother included) to “pray for you”. Some of the meanest people say that, “Well bless your heart, I will pray for you.” When you have done nothing wrong. I feel that there is a double meaning attached to that word and it isn’t meant to be sincere.

Instead of saying pray, prayer, praying.. I will refer it to as “talking to God” or “talk to Him”. That is essentially what I am doing anyways. I am just taking out the trigger word. Even just typing the word or thinking of the memories attached to the word “pray” makes me want to punch someone.

That is all the brain power I have today. I am hoping to make a list of words that trigger me in the next couple posts… but the issue with that is I don’t like being triggered. lol