The Secret Beast

Now that I have talked about the issues with my birth mother and I have publicly opened up about how life was with her- I am moving onto the next hard topic. It is probably harder than the problems I had with my mother.

We  (my therapist and I) are going to start tackling the issues of my rape & molestation, my attention seeking, how I can go from wanting sex all the time to “don’t touch me”. It will be really hard. We briefly spoke about it today and I have been doing some research on the internet. I still fantasize about rape situations so much that I want it to happen again with anyone. But during night I will have nightmares of cheating on my husband and I wake up feeling so shameful for enjoying sex with others.

I was raped two weeks (roughly) after having sex for the first time ever, by an acquaintance. But in truth that is actually my 3rd encounter with sex or something of that nature. When I was 6, I was molested, I can’t remember all details- I wish I could. Then I had sex when I was 18 for the first time with a guy I was seeing, then raped 2 weeks after someone different. So my first couple of experiences have been mostly bad.

The fantasies I have will be hostage, dominating, humiliating and forced but even just typing it- I am really liking the thoughts. BUT I did find something online that talks about people who have had sexual abuse associate sex=rape=pleasure and that I have to go through some intense brain re-wiring to know that rough sex isn’t the only way.

I just hate the fact I want attention so badly. I can drive down a road and every man I see I can see them raping me and I feel so terrified with panic attacks but the next day I could do/see the same thing and totally want it to happen.

I am really wanting help tackling this secret beast. It’s taking over my waking life, my dreams and affecting me.

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Cornered

It has been a couple days since my last post and I have calmed down. I wouldn’t say it is because I know how to calm myself down or that I dealt with the emotions… but that just enough time has passed for me to be able to stuff it down inside again.

Yesterday at work after we closed, we do a walk through of the store to make sure everyone is out and that is looks nice for the next day. There is a section in the back room where there are rows and rows of stock that lead to a dead end. As I was walking down this section alone, I realized that I started to have an anxiety attack. The one thing I hate more then anything is not only having the sense of fear or panic, but in public where I have to try and hide it.dead-end-street

I kept walking down and noticed that the walls were concrete so if I needed to escape this dead end I couldn’t. I was trapped. Once this thought entered my mind I decided I will never walk all the way down to the end again. I will never go down that aisle and be trapped with no escape. As I kept walking my anxiety and panic were at its’ peak when I was at the end of aisle. When I was walking away from the dead end my anxiety lessened.

I have come to the conclusion, that should of be so obvious to me before, but I hate being cornered. My sexual molestation when I was six happened because I physically put into a corner. My rape happened when I was “cornered” into a car without escape. Just even thinking about that dead end corner makes my chest tighten.

I apologize but this is where this entry has to stop. I cannot write any further due to my anxiety right now. I wish and hope one day I will be strong enough to speak more.

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