Sometimes You Just Gotta Say F It

Excuse my language but it is true. I am not proud to cuss- I never do unless something calls for it. But I have come to realize all the crap I have been through sometimes there is just no other way expressing the anger I feel.

Next week is my final week with my therapist. She will be back in another place that costs $$ back in August but I don’t know if I really need to see her after this. I have made some major breaks with all my abuse, nightmares, sexual abuse and my exercise abuse.

I was forced to run every day on the treadmill for my m. ‘s lack of self confidence in herself. She viewed me as just an extension of herself and not as my own person. The repercussions of that is she was living through me. Since she was fat in middle school and high school- I had to run every morning a certain distance under a certain time. If I didn’t reach to what she thought I should or if I fell short- I wouldn’t be allowed to go to school, basketball, or anything else she wanted to come up with.

I remember one time she caught me running with my hands on bars and was “so very disappointed in me” because in her eyes I was cheating. She wouldn’t let me go to basketball practice until I ran that mile without touching the handle bars.

I went back down there and ran that whole mile without touching the handle bars fused on anger while her fat ass sat on the couch watching me. So you can imagine the extreme hate I have for exercise, treadmills or anything pushing my body to the limits. I associated that with my m.’s abuse. If I did exercise it would either put me back into that state, make me extremely angry to the point that I wanted to cut, or so depressed I wanted to end my life.

Now- I can’t tell you what clicked but I believe it is because I disowned her publicly for the first time ever in my life. Granted some family didn’t approve and gave me a 1,2… (which doesn’t matter).. but ever since then- I am able to handle conflicts better, especially with women.

I guess I viewed all women like my mother so I would never speak up and say something if I disagreed, felt pressured, angry, hurt or what have you. I would just say silent. Well since I broke the silence with my mother, I have broken my silence entirely. Now- that doesn’t mean I shout it from the rooftops but this girl has some backbone for the first time in her life. 🙂

Now to my point of all this and the reason why I titled this blog this way.. Yesterday was my first day working out and I ran on the treadmill. I only ran .5 of a mile, but who am I am trying to impress? This is the first time I am able to truly work out in a healthy way in probably, no joke, 3 years.

Well those emotions came up in me again.. of needing to be perfect in my run, not touching the handle bars, doing everything perfectly, I even felt the sense of anger arising in me again. I didn’t panic, I didn’t stress… I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and said, “Fuck off (my mother’s name).”  That seemed to work. Now I didn’t say it outloud, I said it in my head. You can say it as many times as needed but to my surprise I only needed to say it once.

After that I am able to work out fine, I just don’t allow myself to go back to that state. I have handled it and I can deal with it when it arises but I don’t go searching for triggers or trying to remember. I hope this helps someone like it did for me.

I can’t tell you how long I have waited for the chains to break. I finally do feel free. So it is true- sometimes you do just gotta say F*&K IT. I wish you the best.

The Words that Heal

Last time I visited my therapist she said to think up of an action plan of what to do when I feel overwhelmed. I have been drawing a blank these past couple weeks and I couldn’t figure out anything. I saw this post on Yahoo the other day that talked about an Anger Box for newlyweds.

You get a box, you and your husband write love letters to each other  whenever you want and however many times you want. Fill up the box and then shut it. Then whenever you feel like giving up/calling it quits or get so mad at each other -you will open up that box and read your love letter written to you by your spouse. It helps remind you what it is truly all about.

I do have a blessings box. That is when I write about blessings God has provided for me so I do not forget about him. I have kinda slacked off/not being noticing the blessings during my “haze”. And like my last entry (speaking in quotes) sometimes I just don’t want anything to do with God because of my abusive triggers.

My task today besides cleaning the house and going to therapy will be to get these boxes together and start writing some letters. I might write on the outside what it will help for. So for example I will write a letter that will explain how life is so beautiful and all my plans if I become suicidal. Also my husband’s letters will help remind me how much I mean to him and that will help.

Another one is if I feel so overwhelmed by sharing living space with others- I will write a letter about how much of a blessing they are. Or if I can’t stand to read a scripture because of a trigger- I will read a letter I wrote to God. I struggle with seeking attention to wanting to be covered like a nun. I also struggle with extreme anxiety, nightmares, fantasies, anger, depression, self-esteem, using food as my comfort, exercise abuse triggers, anti social behavior and more.

I haven’t developed anything else for that action plan but I know this will help. I am excited to start this journey of helping myself heal. I might even put a couple letters I write to myself on here to share. I have a lot of work to do. 🙂