The Honeymoon

It has been weeks since my last post. This month has been super busy. I just got back from helping on the farm a few days (no internet), to a 5 day honeymoon and then to a wedding in a different state. WHEW! Busy busy. I have to say with this medication so far- I have been sleeping better, less anxiety (not completely gone but still less), no nightmares, and I am not as dopey. I still am a bit unemotional but it’s nothing like it was.

In fact, I am due for my follow up appointment with my Psych Doc and a refill on my meds. I am thinking about also reducing my weekly counseling sessions to only every other week. I am feeling that much better.

My Condescending Mother

Do you have one of these? If so, I feel your pain! I was on the phone with my therapist today and I uncovered something valuable. I have been converting vhs tapes into dvds for my family. So I have been seeing how my life was when I was just a few months old,  a toddler and then as a 6 year old. And let me tell ya- subconsciously I had not idea how much this stuff was bothering me.

I went into work and had a huge panic attack just because my schedule changed. I felt like I had no control over my emotions, my home, my job- ugh it was horrible. But anyways- back to the original story…

I ALWAYS swore up and down my mother was the best thing out there before she remarried my step dad. I associated all her changes then. Soooo NOT TRUE. Her outwards changes, moving around and abuse started to take shape more and become more outwardly noticeable but not her condescending attitude.

I also realize I am the same age as she was in the videos. And not to toot my own horn- but I am way more mature than her. She was not ready to have children. Emotionally she couldn’t handle it. I am so surprised I have turned out the way I have. It is only by the grace of God that I am the complete opposite of her. I am nurturing, passionate and caring. Granted I got some of her in me too, stubborn, opinionated, judgmental & unforgiving (I am trying to break those last two).

So here I am editing these videos and I hear her comments- her attitude towards me being a little kid. She was so mean! Instead of nurturing me- she cuts me down for others to laugh, belittles hurtful situations, doesn’t console me but makes fun of me, never gives me complements or encouragement. In the videos I struggled to really speak because I believe of her attitude towards me. I always felt stupid.

When I was older it was more noticeable that I couldn’t ever please her. She wanted me to be smart, I wasn’t. I have dyslexia and I used to stutter. I would shut down with stressful situations because I didn’t want to be judged, yelled at or criticized. She wanted me to sew, cook, clean, have the Bible memorized, have a  4.0 GPA, skinnier, less busty- this list goes on.

I understand wanting the best for your child and giving them life skills. I will do the same. But HOW she went about it was all completely wrong. I never got any love, any support, any meaningful conversation that I recall. I feel more like a trophy than a daughter. And believe me I struggled so when I didn’t deliver being a “trophy” I was cut out and cut off. Hello exile!

I always strived for attention and love because I never got it. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to do in life. I never had the opportunity because she was so concerned with how I made her look. I get so incredibly angry at her, even still with no contact. I just want to make her pay and owe up to how she treated me.

Lord help me when I have my babies and she wants to come around. If she isn’t careful I will be out for blood. (Not literally)

On another note though, I am trying to see how my other family members love me, even though they are all kinda condescending to me. I guess that gene runs in the family. Ugh how I hate it. Why can’t you just be nice?

PS This thursday I have an appointment at the local Psych Center. I might have another post coming this week depending on how I feel. Thank you to all who follow this blog, like my posts, comment and support me. ❤

The Job Promotion

Getting a promotion is always exciting. It reenforces that fact that someone notices your hard work. I was offered a job promotion and took it. I have been there almost a week now at this new location. The new location however is more in the city and not in the country. There is crime nearby and there have been a lot of theft and armed robberies at this location.

I really prayed about it and realized this is a great opportunity for me and I shouldn’t let crime stop me from advancing my career. Theft, I have dealt with, it is annoying but nothing dangerous. The gunpoint robberies have only happened a few times in the past year or two.

The place I worked at before got robbed but not when I was employed there and so did the bank across the street. Crime can happen anywhere. But anyways- that isn’t the point of this blog.

The point is I can’t stop thinking about what will happen if I do get held up at gunpoint. Then just this morning it dawned on me, I am not trusting God. I am worried about “what if”s and that means I am not focusing my trust on God. He will keep me safe. He will look after me.

Fear gets to me so easily. We have these huge windows in the front of the store which are so nice but at night it is hard to see out of. They’re tinted so you cannot see out of them at night at all. Well I can’t, maybe once I have been there awhile I will be able to. Anyways- that part has my anxiety kicked up a couple notches. I hate parking lots, dark and not being able to see. I feel so vulnerable in a parking lot. Probably because my rape happened in a parking lot, at dark, alone and I couldn’t see what was coming.

I am so thankful for this job. Because it is allowing me to face my fears and overcome them. I don’t want to cower away from triggers anymore. I want to overcome them. Just like Mandisa says, “I am an overcomer”. (That’s a great song, btw, Overcomer by Mandisa)

I don’t want to be a victim anymore and I don’t want to imagine things going wrong.

The Second Visit

Getting to know someone new is always a bit of a slow process. Today was my 2nd appointment with my new therapist. It went so incredibly well. I feel so relaxed and things just kinda flow out of me. I think going to therapy has increased my happiness and decreased my depression. I have been depressed because I have felt alone. I don’t really have anyone to talk to day in and day out about my struggles because even the most faithful friend or family member doesn’t want to hear about my issues all the time. It’s like my dad has told me. He is so happy that he is finally getting to talk to “me” and not my problems or my anxiety triggers. I can understand that too about my friends. I felt like I was scraping out of a deeper and deeper hole when I had no one to talk to. I was scrambling to get a footing without a therapist to help me. Now that I have someone I can count on and depend on- my “fix” has been met. I still get very terrible migraines and headaches during and after an appointment. But I know that is to be expected. I also know that once an appointment is over- I need about a 2 hr nap if not more. I am not saying everything is perfect. I am still pretty tired actually. I am starting to feel a whole let better. 🙂

The First Day Back

Seeing a new counselor is unnerving for anyone. I was so nervous I wouldn’t like this new person or what if their advice was a bit out there?! lol But that is (thank goodness) not the case here. Sure this one is different than the last. Everyone has different animations, thinking processes, reactions and quirks. It will take time adjusting but I really hope this works out. I am a a little reserved because I am testing out the waters.

I do notice that when I speak about things that happen to me. It is a record playing feeling. I don’t process what I say- I just speak it. I don’t feel, I don’t think- it just comes out of my mouth plain as day just like if you asked me about the weather.

My new counselor has a very easy schedule, which is nice because of my work. I know I am blessed because I can still work full time and get the counseling I need. I already feel better just knowing I have an outlet. Someone who will always listen and who will try and help me.

She asked me to rate how my condition is and I was surprised myself to just see how much my anxiety and avoidance has taken over again. Instead of just occasionally happening, it is everyday, avoidance type thing. Plus sleep disturbances, flashbacks, nightmares, and instead of flashing back all the time, my mind constantly makes up new trauma that could possibly happen before my very eyes. Like robberies, car accidents, shootings, my own death, rape again, violence and more.

I did have a bad headache when meeting with her, and whenever I talk or think about these things. I am starting to get one now and I also get extremely tired. Alright sorry to end so abruptly but there is only so much I can talk about in one sitting before it becomes too much.

It’s been awhile since I posted on here. I just get this overwhelming feeling whenever I come back to this website. It means I think about my struggles that I have and how I don’t have anyone to confide in. I recommitted myself to my YT Channel. So far it is going well. But I still can’t help but feel like I don’t matter. In comparison to people who have millions upon millions of subscribers- I just have a couple thousand. I know I should be grateful, more so than I am right now. I just can’t help but feel High School emotions- I am not popular which draws back to no body wants me.

Nobody wants me because my own birth m. doesn’t want me. That insecurity runs so deep- I don’t even know how to combat it. I want to open up more on my channel about my pain- like I did here. The only downside is, YT is a very public place and my family would disown me more than they already do.

So why would I care? Well, it’s like trying to reach for the goal you can never get or like a beaten dog still loving and loyal to the abuser. I feel flawed and those flaws of mine have to be wiped away in order to be good enough to be wanted by that side of the family. I can’t think of anything else but how I can please them and what would happen if I don’t. I can’t stand to think of someone not liking me, someone talking badly about me to others, being ashamed of me. And there is also the HUGE fact of not being believed and being made to believe that I am the crazy one.

I don’t know if I say this alot on here or not but I wish so many times the world would just stop. I wish time would pause long enough for me to just go get help, heal and over this. When I start to let myself “feel”- the emotions drown me.

Can It Be Over Now?

I just turned in my two weeks at my current job. I find it so difficult to finish out my promise with all the stress. I haven’t had time to even enjoy my days off because of the store’s needs. I am not paid very and the schedule just changed. I have to work 6 days a week now. Thankfully it is only for two weeks I have to meet this requirement.

I haven’t had motivation to clean my house, get into a routine and I can’t sleep very well. My mind wakes up with things to do. I just learned yesterday that I had to cut over 40 hours of help during this week, which is also Black Friday week, that is ludicrous!

I feel like most corporate places now expect more work but will pay or hire less. They expect tasks to take an hour or so when in reality it could take a few hours with the right person. Since when has money and stupidity taken over the world? Unrealistic expectations, short deadlines, unworkable payroll, lazy staff (because they don’t get paid much) and not to mention dealing with customers and helping them, all at the same time.

I took this job because I needed the experience, plus a Store Manager title looks good on my resume. But golly! I really do like retail and also managing, I promise. I understand some of this will come with the turf (don’t get me started on working on holidays), but sometimes I just shake my head and want to scream.

Maybe if we all didn’t bust our butts to get it done the “corporate world” would see how unrealistic they were and backed off a little. Oh you’re right, probably not. They would just say NEXT! I feel like America needs a HUGE wakeup call.

We need to stop outsourcing our jobs, pay people better, give better benefits, respect holidays, religious and family commitments. I think the “corporate world” has got to go. There is no need for CEOs to make hundreds of thousands of dollars by just attending meetings or whatever they do while their employees can’t have healthcare or pay their bills. I respect managers who work in the mud with me. Who help get the job done.

I wish I could change the world and make it a better place. I absolutely hate working. I know it has to be done, so I do it, but I hate it. Why would I want to work almost all my life and miss out on so much time with my family? It doesn’t make sense does it? You work to have a life but you can’t have a life because you work. lol. Bleh.

Stuck

I don’t know what I want to talk about today. I wanted to avoid blogging but I decided it is best. This past Sunday was an ugly one for me. I can’t even say the word Sunday sometimes. I know I need to work on my trigger words- I haven’t yet.

But anyways… My husband really wants to be involved in our church. I do too at some point, but I can’t now. As soon as I go into church, around smiling, happy faces I feel like I have to be smiling and happy too. It is annoying and stressful- to pretend that everything is fine when it isn’t.

But let’s say I make it through that part. The part that really chokes me up is seeing everyone with their families, all sitting together. Babies, sisters, brothers, moms, dads, grandparents and so forth. It reminds me how for most of my life I truly felt rejected by one side of my family and of how my own mother doesn’t want me in her life.

I am too much of a trigger for her. I can’t see or spend time alone with my sisters. They are growing up without me. And not by my choice. It wouldn’t matter if I was the most perfect daughter in the world- she still wouldn’t want me there. I look like my dad. I am close to my dad. I went to live with him when I was 14. So in her mind I chose him over her. Which in reality I didn’t. I didn’t feel wanted or loved with her. I wanted to go somewhere where I was loved.

That part- I can never make it through because if I try- I can’t pretend I am happy at that point. I start to cry or frown, get jealous, mad, lonely, anxious. I then feel that pain of rejection for the rest of the week.

I decided I am going to try and go back to therapy. It won’t happen till probably next year because of my job but I will try. I have no idea how to face this. This past Sunday was ugly because I didn’t want to go and when someone pushes me to go- I get extremely hateful, snappy, depressed and angry.

I feel like a frightened dog that is cornered and afraid of confronting it head on. It also feels like no one understands. Sure they understand it for a little while, how I can struggle with this for a little while. But to struggle with this for 13+ years, people start to get less understanding and more pushy.

Even my own father says it’s like I am still 13 and stuck.

Emotional Numbness – PTSD

I don’t know exactly why at some points in my life I will become emotionally numb. Laying here in my bed this morning- I feel so numb and blocked. It is totally strange to me that sometimes when I think about situations I have been in or triggers- nothing happens. It’s like my brain doesn’t even process it. But then other days,if I think of something that triggers me, even just for a few minutes, I get so depressed, anxious or scared.

http://ptsdusa.org/what-is-ptsd/get-help/  is a website I just found. You might be able to copy and paste it into your browser if you can’t click on it here. This website breaks down PTSD into 3 categories of reactions.

1. Re-Experiencing Symptoms- Vivid flashbacks, panic attacks, thoughts, images with intense emotions and more.

2. Avoidance Symptoms- Avoiding certain people, situations, numbing yourself by drugs, food, feeling “dead inside”, distant from others including family and more.

3. Arousal Symptoms- Insomnia, jumpy, self harm, abandon God, fear of further trauma, poor memory and more.

I honestly feel like I am in a cycle of between these 3 stages. I hope this helps someone out there understand or bring clarity to your own situation. I can’t type much more about this without getting too upset for the rest of the day. Til next time.

 

Triggers Everywhere

I woke up this morning thinking this will be an excellent day.

I woke up and check Facebook, there is this feminist video that is going round and I decided to watch it. The video has little girls dressed up as princesses using the Fbomb to get their point across.

The little girls started talking about how 1 out of 5 women will end up being sexually assaulted. They kept saying the word rape. This is my trigger month. I am hyper sensitive to this month because this is when my rape happened.

Personally, I don’t want to talk to about it. I get too depressed and anxious. Sometimes it gets so bad I do not want to be at work. I work in retail so when I see strange men I don’t know, I get overwhelmed, which working in retail happens a lot.

There used to be a man that would come into my old job all the time that looked very similar to my rapist and I would go into an internal frenzy. So my question is- is it healthy to continue to let my body feel this way? Because I tend to block it out and push it away.

Granted my rape happened in 2006, but this is the first year I went to counseling and resurfaced all this stuff. People, even my family, don’t really understand why it affects me so much after it has been so long.

They don’t even understand why my abusive home memories still affect me the way they do either. My family, the ones I trust enough with this, just say “You should be over it by now”, “Why can’t you just get over it?” “Stop being a victim”, “I thought you’d fight more”…

Really? Come on! That just makes me want to cut myself all over again. Or just fall off the face of the earth and leave everything behind. I tell myself those things all the time. I just want to be heard. Talking about a sexual assault is still too taboo sometimes for normal conversation… so how do you know who you can confide in that can help you or just be there to listen?