It’s been awhile since I posted on here. I just get this overwhelming feeling whenever I come back to this website. It means I think about my struggles that I have and how I don’t have anyone to confide in. I recommitted myself to my YT Channel. So far it is going well. But I still can’t help but feel like I don’t matter. In comparison to people who have millions upon millions of subscribers- I just have a couple thousand. I know I should be grateful, more so than I am right now. I just can’t help but feel High School emotions- I am not popular which draws back to no body wants me.
Nobody wants me because my own birth m. doesn’t want me. That insecurity runs so deep- I don’t even know how to combat it. I want to open up more on my channel about my pain- like I did here. The only downside is, YT is a very public place and my family would disown me more than they already do.
So why would I care? Well, it’s like trying to reach for the goal you can never get or like a beaten dog still loving and loyal to the abuser. I feel flawed and those flaws of mine have to be wiped away in order to be good enough to be wanted by that side of the family. I can’t think of anything else but how I can please them and what would happen if I don’t. I can’t stand to think of someone not liking me, someone talking badly about me to others, being ashamed of me. And there is also the HUGE fact of not being believed and being made to believe that I am the crazy one.
I don’t know if I say this alot on here or not but I wish so many times the world would just stop. I wish time would pause long enough for me to just go get help, heal and over this. When I start to let myself “feel”- the emotions drown me.