Emotional Numbness – PTSD

I don’t know exactly why at some points in my life I will become emotionally numb. Laying here in my bed this morning- I feel so numb and blocked. It is totally strange to me that sometimes when I think about situations I have been in or triggers- nothing happens. It’s like my brain doesn’t even process it. But then other days,if I think of something that triggers me, even just for a few minutes, I get so depressed, anxious or scared.

http://ptsdusa.org/what-is-ptsd/get-help/  is a website I just found. You might be able to copy and paste it into your browser if you can’t click on it here. This website breaks down PTSD into 3 categories of reactions.

1. Re-Experiencing Symptoms- Vivid flashbacks, panic attacks, thoughts, images with intense emotions and more.

2. Avoidance Symptoms- Avoiding certain people, situations, numbing yourself by drugs, food, feeling “dead inside”, distant from others including family and more.

3. Arousal Symptoms- Insomnia, jumpy, self harm, abandon God, fear of further trauma, poor memory and more.

I honestly feel like I am in a cycle of between these 3 stages. I hope this helps someone out there understand or bring clarity to your own situation. I can’t type much more about this without getting too upset for the rest of the day. Til next time.

 

Haze

It’s been two weeks since I have last blogged. I want to avoid certain topics. I can feel myself start to zone out. It is like a haze over a pond early in the sunrise. Gradual, silent and lingering. I just want to disappear. I have not been able to go to counseling for 3 weeks now. Not because of my choice but because she has been unavailable or sick.

Of course realistically I do not blame her, but in the hazey fog- it’s all her fault and I want to quit. Why do I depend so much on other people to make me feel better when they just let me down? The past couple weeks have been huge triggers, an episode of self harm, brutal nightmares, panic and anxiety attacks so bad I have to leave certain buildings, I am not only thinking about a world without me but how to commit suicide.

My life honestly in “real eyes” is not that bad at all. I actually have it fairly easy right now but on the inside I am screaming. My eyes lust for my own blood, my brain thinks any man will hurt me, my body shakes and cringes because I feel like I am about to pounced upon. My hands scratch and pull at my own disgusting fat body. I cry hot tears, my chest gets these sharp knife like stabbing pains ever so often that bring me to my knees and then I go numb.

I enter in the haze. It is not a daydream, it is not a sleep, it is not anything. It just is numb. I need her help and for 3 weeks I have been stuck in this haze longing to get out.