Haze

It’s been two weeks since I have last blogged. I want to avoid certain topics. I can feel myself start to zone out. It is like a haze over a pond early in the sunrise. Gradual, silent and lingering. I just want to disappear. I have not been able to go to counseling for 3 weeks now. Not because of my choice but because she has been unavailable or sick.

Of course realistically I do not blame her, but in the hazey fog- it’s all her fault and I want to quit. Why do I depend so much on other people to make me feel better when they just let me down? The past couple weeks have been huge triggers, an episode of self harm, brutal nightmares, panic and anxiety attacks so bad I have to leave certain buildings, I am not only thinking about a world without me but how to commit suicide.

My life honestly in “real eyes” is not that bad at all. I actually have it fairly easy right now but on the inside I am screaming. My eyes lust for my own blood, my brain thinks any man will hurt me, my body shakes and cringes because I feel like I am about to pounced upon. My hands scratch and pull at my own disgusting fat body. I cry hot tears, my chest gets these sharp knife like stabbing pains ever so often that bring me to my knees and then I go numb.

I enter in the haze. It is not a daydream, it is not a sleep, it is not anything. It just is numb. I need her help and for 3 weeks I have been stuck in this haze longing to get out.

 

fog 2

Boiling Water

Sorry I have been gone for awhile. I needed a break. I have lots of triggers coming up, anxiety yet again but this post will be more so of a “rant”.

I am so sick and tired of holding everything in. I wish I could just let it all out. I don’t understand why just because she refuses to see how it is her fault or mentally ill that she can’t own up to all the crap she has put me through. I found out some new information that has brought up this rage from inside of me. I spoke about my attack in the Tree’s Secret blog and found out that all these years she has blamed me for what happened. I was only 10 years old! I don’t put it past her now that I know how she is but I am done showing compassion for right now. I want her to answer to all the crap she put me through.

I am so angry even now just typing about it. Why do I have to suffer in silence? Why do I have to not say anything and turn the other cheek? I have never said one ill word to her in years and it is taking a toll.

Now there is another situation at hand, not with her but with someone else. This woman has a tender heart, sweet nature but is always around. I am a newly wed without having the pleasure of living with just my husband. I am sick and tired of sharing him, not having any privacy, daily interruptions and disruptions. I know they are so sweet, have provided so much for us and we are forever grateful to them…. It has been years that this has been going on and I am starting to get fed up. I have never spoken on this subject ever.

I do not have the heart to. I don’t want to come across as attacking but her thinking pattern is so different than mine- she forces it to be her way. I do not understand why subtle changes bother me so much. Just yesterday a subtle change was made and that made me fly off the handle (in private of course).

I do not like confrontation but yet I create so much of it within my self. I strongly wanted to cut yesterday. I know I need help, I know I am mentally unstable at times of extreme stress or triggers. I go to my therapist today and I am going to see if she can teach me some tools to calm myself down.

I guess overall I just feel like I cannot communicate how I feel to the people I need to, so as a result I stuff it down inside. I am so tired of stuffing. I want to be a happy, easy going, roll with the punches type of person but I am going through so much right now- I don’t see a way out besides self harm. The nightmares are continuing at times, the triggers are worse and I want things to be different.