Can It Be Over Now?

I just turned in my two weeks at my current job. I find it so difficult to finish out my promise with all the stress. I haven’t had time to even enjoy my days off because of the store’s needs. I am not paid very and the schedule just changed. I have to work 6 days a week now. Thankfully it is only for two weeks I have to meet this requirement.

I haven’t had motivation to clean my house, get into a routine and I can’t sleep very well. My mind wakes up with things to do. I just learned yesterday that I had to cut over 40 hours of help during this week, which is also Black Friday week, that is ludicrous!

I feel like most corporate places now expect more work but will pay or hire less. They expect tasks to take an hour or so when in reality it could take a few hours with the right person. Since when has money and stupidity taken over the world? Unrealistic expectations, short deadlines, unworkable payroll, lazy staff (because they don’t get paid much) and not to mention dealing with customers and helping them, all at the same time.

I took this job because I needed the experience, plus a Store Manager title looks good on my resume. But golly! I really do like retail and also managing, I promise. I understand some of this will come with the turf (don’t get me started on working on holidays), but sometimes I just shake my head and want to scream.

Maybe if we all didn’t bust our butts to get it done the “corporate world” would see how unrealistic they were and backed off a little. Oh you’re right, probably not. They would just say NEXT! I feel like America needs a HUGE wakeup call.

We need to stop outsourcing our jobs, pay people better, give better benefits, respect holidays, religious and family commitments. I think the “corporate world” has got to go. There is no need for CEOs to make hundreds of thousands of dollars by just attending meetings or whatever they do while their employees can’t have healthcare or pay their bills. I respect managers who work in the mud with me. Who help get the job done.

I wish I could change the world and make it a better place. I absolutely hate working. I know it has to be done, so I do it, but I hate it. Why would I want to work almost all my life and miss out on so much time with my family? It doesn’t make sense does it? You work to have a life but you can’t have a life because you work. lol. Bleh.

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Stuck

I don’t know what I want to talk about today. I wanted to avoid blogging but I decided it is best. This past Sunday was an ugly one for me. I can’t even say the word Sunday sometimes. I know I need to work on my trigger words- I haven’t yet.

But anyways… My husband really wants to be involved in our church. I do too at some point, but I can’t now. As soon as I go into church, around smiling, happy faces I feel like I have to be smiling and happy too. It is annoying and stressful- to pretend that everything is fine when it isn’t.

But let’s say I make it through that part. The part that really chokes me up is seeing everyone with their families, all sitting together. Babies, sisters, brothers, moms, dads, grandparents and so forth. It reminds me how for most of my life I truly felt rejected by one side of my family and of how my own mother doesn’t want me in her life.

I am too much of a trigger for her. I can’t see or spend time alone with my sisters. They are growing up without me. And not by my choice. It wouldn’t matter if I was the most perfect daughter in the world- she still wouldn’t want me there. I look like my dad. I am close to my dad. I went to live with him when I was 14. So in her mind I chose him over her. Which in reality I didn’t. I didn’t feel wanted or loved with her. I wanted to go somewhere where I was loved.

That part- I can never make it through because if I try- I can’t pretend I am happy at that point. I start to cry or frown, get jealous, mad, lonely, anxious. I then feel that pain of rejection for the rest of the week.

I decided I am going to try and go back to therapy. It won’t happen till probably next year because of my job but I will try. I have no idea how to face this. This past Sunday was ugly because I didn’t want to go and when someone pushes me to go- I get extremely hateful, snappy, depressed and angry.

I feel like a frightened dog that is cornered and afraid of confronting it head on. It also feels like no one understands. Sure they understand it for a little while, how I can struggle with this for a little while. But to struggle with this for 13+ years, people start to get less understanding and more pushy.

Even my own father says it’s like I am still 13 and stuck.

How Do You Show Your Love?

Here I just made a promise to myself to blog more and our internet went out. Ha. Oh well, I didn’t want to take the time to sit down and blog today.. but I decided I might as well.

We just came back from a trip to my hometown and I have really thought about how my actions could have tarnished the relationship potential I could of had with my m. I am trying to uncover the truth and realize that I am not the only victim and my story isn’t the only one in this relationship.

Maybe my m. did the very best she could. Maybe she didn’t know how to show love because she was never shown it. Or maybe she just didn’t know how I wanted her love.

My husband does things for me to show his love. So when he isn’t romantic- it is not because he doesn’t love me but by helping me out with dishes, my car, cooking and cleaning- he is showing me that he loves me. How I show love is by wanting to be with him and making time for him and I to spend time together.

I think once we all take a step back and see how someone loves- it will make a big impact on how we interpret that love.

What’s The Purpose?

I received a phone call from a concerned family member the other day. She was concerned with how my “voice” being spoken on Facebook was going to help the situation with my mother. It was about a 30 minute call and she handled it in a way that was so refreshing. She told me her viewpoints and was just basically trying to understand why I would “accuse” my mother of abuse and why I have decided to handle things in such a public matter.

I read this quote on a site that is tremendous for toxic mother/daughter relationships:

“When someone is unrelentingly critical of you, always finds fault, can never be pleased, and blames you for everything that goes wrong- It is the insidious nature and cumulative effects of the abuse that do the damage. Over time, this type of abuse eats away at your self confidence and sense of self worth, undermining any good feelings you have about yourself and your accomplishments.”

WOW! I had to read that a couple times to really grasp what it was saying. There is another story I read in that article that helped open up my eyes as well. This is the writer explaining her defining moment of self love and standing up for herself:

 

“All I did was decide that our toxic mother/daughter relationship problems were not MY fault. Then I decided that since I realized it wasn’t my fault, I wasn’t taking the blame for it anymore. Then I drew a boundary line which bluntly stated was, “either you stop treating me in this disrespectful way or I will not have this relationship with you.” She picked the “not having a relationship with me”. OUCH. But at least I knew the truth. It was easier to move forward when I knew the truth. It wasn’t exactly the validation that I wanted but it was validating that my suspicions were true. At the end of the day I know that my mother is not a happy person. I also know that now it ISN’T MY FAULT.”

The woman also talking about something very interesting in her article. It took me for a trip especially with this phone call I just had the other day asking me what is the whole purpose of all of this.. The woman said look at your motives and her motives within the relationship. So I did and they were astonishing.

My motive in my toxic mother/daughter relationship is to be heard. I always had to stay silent. If I didn’t we would move /I would transfer schools/go to a different church/or get extremely punished. My motive is to be heard. I am so tired of everything seeming like it is made up in my head because I am a “problem child”. It is not. I wish I could transfer my memories into other people’s brain just so they can experience what I went through and what I go through.

Now my mother’s motive is to make things/stories/truth disappear and to be in control. No matter what the situation is- she wants the control, to be in control. Her motive is to be right and it is not loved based. My motive is actually love based. I just want to be heard, to heal, to move on and to have a real relationship with her. My mother “claims” she wants that but she doesn’t. She has had YEARS of opportunity. In her mind I always to something that makes me unworthy of having a relationship with her. She would rather be a sob story to get pity then to deal with her own pain, insecurities and short comings as a mother.

The phone conversation wasn’t really productive. There wasn’t a happy ending to it. I was gently given advice that the way I handled the situation was incorrect because of the long term effects it will have on my mother and I’s relationship. The family member began to tell me that I have put this wall up between me and mother. And that if they suspected any abuse they would of dug deeper into it. Well my mother puts on a very very good act. I am the only one she is this brutal with.

I told this family member there has always been a wall between us especially after she would hit me when I was little. I didn’t go into situations to “prove it” but if I would- I don’t know how it would of gone.

I wanted people to know that my mother and I do not have a relationship. I want people to start questioning her and these things. The only side effect I am worried about it how this will be for my littler sisters that are still underneath her house. I love them so much and I want what is best for them. Unfortunately I don’t know if I will ever have a relationship with them. My mother’s charm and approval means too much to children.

Oh great….

I just found out yesterday that a family trip will include the person I am trying to cut out of my life. My mother or who I call by her real name. When you say mother- I don’t think of anyone in particular. It is just a confusing word to me. But anyways my sisters are going which is a huge plus!!! 😀 😀 At least I am able to see them, talk with them, take pictures and build some memories with them. (hopefully)

I am trying not to think or worry too much about it because it hasn’t happened yet. I don’t want to put my body through that kind of stress when it doesn’t need to be. But just the other night I was crying my eyes out because it hit me once again so very hard that “my own mother doesn’t want me”.

Instead of thinking how messed up she is in not wanting her own daughter, I think of how much of s screw up I must be for her not to want me. I have to continually train my mind into thinking that she is the one with the problems not me. And also to focus on all the positives in my life and the people that do love and want me.

It is just a catch 22 with a mother/family member who doesn’t want you/abused you… I long for a normal, loving, healthy relationship and I hope it will happen someday. That hope almost always tricks me into coming back and begging for anything I can get (relationship wise). Sure go off on me, blame me completely, make me feel fat, ugly, stupid and like a waste of your time but you still are talking with me and that is something!

On the other hand I just want to punch her! & tell her every emotion she has ever made me feel. I am not the one to blame, I am not the one who has the issues here. I am a great person. I deserve more. It is not my fault and never was, I am not fat nor ugly that is your insecurity showing through- not mine.

The worse thing I hate is pretending everything is normal in front of the public or friends or family just for the sake of “being a good girl” or not hashing it out. There is a difference in being civil and being fake. She wants it all to be perfect and like nothing is wrong and if there is something wrong, it is ALL MY FAULT… well this family function isn’t going to work that way.

The ONLY thing holding me back is my sisters. I don’t want them to see anything ugly coming from me because they won’t understand. They love her and think she is the bestest thing in the world and I am just the estranged sister that never comes around. I don’t want to push them away but at the same time… I am not about to hug her, smile and make small talk. I will ignore her. Like she always has to me or I will be really shut off and cold. So she knows how it feels.

Granted my family doesn’t want either involved or denies that my mother could ever do such a thing to me like abuse. They want me to be hush hush too because they can’t deal with the fact that I am right. Well I am not here to make nice. I still go through torture every holiday, event and I have this hole in my heart that she put there when she decided to not care about me.  I am done pretending.

We leave next week to the day actually- so I will have to update next week. As of right now I feel like a ton of weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I am going to enjoy my day off and not think another thought about her or next week.

A House Divided

Since my last post- I have had mixed emotions about how I am feeling. I will go from empowerment, mourning to feeling completely cut off. It seems like the family always sides with the Abuser then the Victim. I don’t understand why that is.

I mean my story has stayed the same and it has been years of this conflict- why wouldn’t someone in the family believe me? I have the support of my friends and other family members that are not apart of that side but I still feel alone. I guess deep down I was really hoping someone from that side would finally believe me and support me.

Granted I did disown her publicly and that might not of been the best choice but at that moment I didn’t really care. I have a voice and there is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to speak. It is not fair that in this world if you have something to say you can only say it if people want to hear it. If they don’t or if people don’t agree with you it automatically means you are either wrong, stupid or shouldn’t speak up at all.

I couldn’t imagine being a spokesperson about child abuse, bullying, abuse or anything else without having the support from the family that is involved. I am strong enough to handle the no support from the immediately family it is just a huge disappointment. It’s like you are hoping someone makes the right choice and they don’t. There is nothing I can do about it- I was just hoping for more.

Plus it doesn’t help my m. is a sociopath, narcissist and a very good actress. From what I know about my life and about her is that the monster comes out only around me. Anyone else that starts to question her, she just cuts them out of her life.

I am very proud of myself for being strong enough to NOT regret or feel guilty about my declaration against her. I am very proud of myself for understanding a very important detail- Most families will side with the Abuser because they either can’t see it, don’t believe it or don’t want to acknowledge it. It is so much easier to walk away, deny and bury their head in the sand. Honestly- it feels like a personal attack and sometimes they do personally attack me but for the most part it is nothing personal. They cannot deal with it.

If you have someone like I have in my life like my m. she is very good at what she does. She goes to sick, the helpless, the older people with fixed meals, she fixes up churches, helps out- the “true christian”. She knows and teaches the Bible like the back of her hand, she is charming, she seems so sweet but it’s all an act.

If it wasn’t for my dad, his family, my husband and his, I would think I was crazy. It really is like everything that happens or things she does to me is denied and never happened. It makes you go a little loopy, specially when she is a master manipulator.

Switching to good news… I am going to get my first tattoo soon. I have been debating on what I want. Elaborate or small and chic? I think I might go small and chic. I want it to say something about freedom or being free. I like the idea of something like “I’m finally free” and then maybe something on the other foot “because of my courage”.

No Longer Silenced

Therapy was a break through for me and so was yesterday. I think it just all clicked in my brain. I know I still have a journey ahead but I am making some huge steps. I have ALWAYS feared my m. whether I would like to admit it or not- I did. I would fear she would take my sisters away for good, I would fear of disappointing her, I would fear of the degrading letters and emails she would send. I would fear I wouldn’t measure up, gaining too much weight, not pursuing the career she approved of, not living the life she approved of. But mostly I was fearful of losing my sisters.

My therapist sat back after she heard some more stories I shared with her. Just to hit on briefly about how I cannot go into a church sometimes and sit through a service without triggers. I can’t see families together because mine isn’t. I can’t hear the familiar Bible stories or verses because it’s pounded into my head. It brings back painful memories of childhood. Not only would memories verses be plastered all over the walls in her house but she would play a tape for us of the Bible at night that we would have to listen to to fall asleep. We’d move from church to church, lesson after lesson, daily readings of the Bible together. Memory verse contests, home schooled teachings of the Bible, video tapes of the Bible would sometimes be the only thing I would be allowed to watch. IT was horrendous. Everything was pounded into us & shoved down our throats. There was never a choice involved- it was forced fed.

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A couple of the most prominent verses are “Children obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” Colossians 3:20. I didn’t EVEN HAVE TO LOOK THAT UP! I knew it by heart. This one I did have to look up, Ephesians 6:2-3, 2“Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”

Those two verses are seriously the first two you learn growing up in that house. I lived there til I was 14 and had to visit there until I was 17-18, so I saw my little sisters and how they were raised. If they didn’t comply, they weren’t spanked- they were literally beaten until they stopped. Not just 1 smack with discipline- it was smack, smack, smack smack smack!

I brought a letter my m. sent to me on my birthday so my therapist could see it. She was astonished. This card didn’t look like a birthday card and it was a blank card originally. It wasn’t signed by the whole family, (I got nothing from my sisters but a group voicemail), it was just signed by m. But it was written in to the max of just Bible verses about love. Make me puke! My therapist had then told me that I have been severely Spiritually Abused by her.

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She picked up the card and said, “How many more times do you want to go through this?” That didn’t really sink in until the next day to be honest. But what she said next hurt so bad I couldn’t believe she said it. She said, “You already do not have a relationship with your sisters. You are not in their lives.” I got a lump in my throat and my eyes started to burn. I had never heard that or thought of that. I told her how much that statement hurt but I couldn’t repeat it. So she said it again. I flustered and started crying. “It hurts you because deep down, you know it’s true.”

It is true. All this time I had been fearing the most damaging thing my m. could do to me and she has already done it. My therapist let that soak for a minute and then began to comfort me by saying another truth. “You don’t have one now, but you will have an opportunity. They will come to you whether they are 18 or older, and your mother will no longer have control over them legally. And ya know what, I am so proud of you for actually being able to even attend church with how much you have been through. You may not be able to go when you have triggers but you need to learn to separate the difference between your abuse and what it’s like to have faith.”

The next morning I sat up a Googled Spiritual Abuse. I found this really good article/site that talks about how God doesn’t approve of spiritual abuse. Matthew 18:6, “If anyone causes one of these little ones–those who believe in me–to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.”

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That is the EXACT moment of when it all clicked in my head. The reason why I never ever could really go against my m. or step dad fully was because of the guilt of disobeying God. I had to honor them, and obey them in everything. That meant eat what I was told to eat, sit when they said sit and be who they said be. It all makes complete sense to me now. Thinking on this is actually comical to me now, how easy it was to fool me. I can see it plain as day. And now I know God is not thrilled about this at all! It is not my fault, I was a little one she caused to stumble. She is control and power hungry. She twists the words of God to benefit her. And it is better for her to drown in the sea.

Once I was able to see all that so clearly- I felt God stand behind me and empower me to do what I did next. My therapist recommended that I speak up. I kinda shook at the thought because I didn’t want to, I couldn’t imagine doing that. She asked why. I responded, “because I don’t want to stir up the hornet’s nest.” She asked why again. I couldn’t come up with an answer. Fear. Fear of what? My sisters are already taken from me. It was because back to that key thought, “well if I do that, I am not honoring my mother and father, I am rebellious, ungrateful, horrible daughter….” THOSE aren’t my words- that’s what I’ve “been trained” to think.

So next, I went onto Facebook. I made a status talking about how I do not want a relationship with my m., I have never had one with her. (I don’t ever call her mother, I call her by her real name) How it breaks my heart I have to have pre approval to be able to see my own sisters. And that I am not going to stroke her ego to just maybe be able to see my sisters. How my m. uninvited me to this past christmas, how I never hear from her for months at a time and I want nothing to do with her. I am done being silent.

Now my m. doesn’t have facebook but my aunts, uncles, cousins and friends do. I didn’t post it to be mean or to get back at her. I posted it to let everyone know what they have always assumed. I then later posted another status saying that no one has to choose sides mine or hers. And that if you have a relationship with her you will still be able to have one with me. Also that I will never talk about situations about her unless that person asks- then I will answer.

I got a lot of support from my friends and family surprisingly enough. But the family that is related to both of us pretty much stayed out of it. Except a couple people who said “it takes two”- meaning I am at fault too. Well, I am not and some of my friends stood up to them for me, which was nice.  I didn’t expect to “start a war”, I am just letting people know I’m not faking a relationship with my abusive m. anymore. Then that is when my therapist’s question that lingered in my head was answered, How much more are you going to take of this?.     None.

 

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The Broken Record

Vinyl Revival

You would think I would know how to prepare when I see it coming. You would think I would know how to let it “roll off my shoulders”. But holidays are spent with family, laughs, food and traditions. What if you are uninvited to your own family get together? No word, no call, no letter, nothing.

I have talked about this a little bit before. I knew the email was coming. I had a gut feeling but what I did not know is how much it really does effect me. It wasn’t until I had an anxiety attack at church this Easter Morning I realized the severity of it. Easter is a time of rejoicing, praise and worship. So why was I asking certain songs to be muted and certain phrases to be not be spoken?

My ears cringe every time I hear someone say or shout, “He is RISEN!” or I hear the song, All in All or In Christ Alone. I finally have figured out why it throws me into a swirling sea of emotions- it is because of my mother.

Every Easter when I lived with her or visited her she would say this phrase and I had to reply back with another phrase. If I did not- I would be in trouble. I cannot stand that phrase even though I love the meaning behind it. I love Jesus and I am so thankful he took my guilt, my shame and all my sin away. I beyond happy that he defeated death and rose again. But just that phrase or those songs that she used to play all the time just make me want to hurl or lash out in rage.

If you have been reading my blogs you know that I do not get emails (/contact) currently from my m. at all and if I do they are generic greeting cards. And that I do not have contact with her by her choice. So in the middle of worship at church the triggers were thrown at me. I had to sit down and try to calm my anxiety attack down.

I had a normal day today besides the fact I am still mourning family members’ passing and being away from my family. My husband’s family came, we had a great dinner, some time to talk and an all around nice time together. My heart longed to be with my sisters or to at least have them included in my life.

I received an email from my m and of course- I saw it coming. I knew it would happen. All it said in the message was “He is RISEN! He is Risen Indeed. Love, Mom.” That’s it. You know how that made me feel, EVEN THOUGH I KNEW IT WAS COMING- it broke my heart. Not even signed with love from my sisters or step dad. Not even signed with a thinking of you, or love you.

At first it didn’t bother me but sitting there thinking about how I am not wanted in part of my family’s life- just tore me apart. I wanted to scream and to email a quick response back with something snippy and clever like “Why don’t you try sending a real email next time or just don’t bother at all- I only hear from you on holidays anyway. At least I had the nerve to call you and wish you Happy Easter.”

I didn’t even respond but that is what I would of loved to say. I did call after that email was sent and of course had to speak to the voicemail. She screens her calls and decides when to answer. And it is always so awkward for me because normally you say “See you soon or talk to you later” well, in my case that is not true at all. I won’t see her or my sisters soon and I mostly like will never talk to them again until she decides to let me.

It burns me. It really burns me. I am going to bring it up to the therapist when I go this next week and see what she says. This happens every year and I get the same crash afterwards and you know it probably doesn’t even bother her. She is just thinking “Okay, I did the bare minimum to still remain the title of Mom.” At least that is what it feels like to me.

This happens every single year and I can predict down to the WORDS of what she will say to me or how she will say it. You think by now I would be okay with it or not care. I wish I didn’t care. For my birthday card one year I got in my 20s she signed it: “Thank God you are here one more year to serve him.” That is ALL SHE WROTE ladies and gents- ALL SHE WROTE. Not an I love you, not Happy Birthday or anything else personal.

I was in disbelief when I read it. I just couldn’t believe it. Aren’t you some what thankful for me? Don’t you love me? Don’t you want me? You can see now how easily it is to have animosity towards God because that is how her abuse and control is delivered. It is so hard for me not to cut myself right now. I have so much bottled up- even the tasty cheesecake can’t comfort me.  Don’t worry- I won’t. I haven’t cut for years because I made a promise to my father to not cut anymore but the urge is getting stronger.

 

The Lone Balloon

Every traumatic event that has happened in my life except a few I can either tie my m. into or directly from her. So you can just imagine the sort of triggers I have. They always bring me into this loop of love, hate, sadness, brokenness, confrontation, anger, hopeless, longing- the list goes on. I have never had the luxury of telling her off and bringing her to her knees. I would like to do so, especially when I was a teenager. I wanted her to be reminded of everything she had done to me and be so incredibly sorry she had no choice but to be heartbroken.

On the other hand I want to yell and scream at her everything she has made me feel and confront her on everything. I actually tried that once but more peacefully and honest. She ignored everything I said and just said I need mental help and how “attacking” I was and that I didn’t see her doing this to me. Then of course my s.d. piped up and told me how wonderful my m. had been to me and provided for me all these years.

Most of the time though- I just wish I could forget her. I wish she wasn’t my m. I wish the person treating me like this was just a friend I could easily cut out of my life and forget. Honestly there are times I wonder what it will be like when she dies. Will I be sad or will I feel like I can finally be myself without having to worry about her? Kind of like the saying “when the boss is away…”  When she is gone I can have free contact with my sisters?  I love them dearly but they are still under her control and household. They were born several years after me.

They have been home schooled all their life and have no idea about what goes on between m. and I. And I think if they did they would see if more from my m.’s perspective than mine because “she is an amazing mother”. And to them she might be, but for some reason I am a trigger to my own m. which she wishes to cut out. So far she has done a fantastic job at. Emails now only on birthday and holidays that are generic greeting cards. No calls, no invites to recitals, birthdays, dinners, lunches, events, holidays- nothing.

I am so sick and tired of being treated this way. I stay around trying to please her and be the daughter she wanted just so I can see my sisters and try and build a relationship with them. Now it doesn’t matter. This is the first year it doesn’t matter I am uninvited no matter what.

Speaking of being sick and tired and I am also fuming mad. I want to break down the door and fight for what I want. But when someone is mentally ill like my m. you can’t fight fire with fire. You have to be the bigger person. When I “be the bigger person” it feels like I am letting her win and I am just rolling over and taking it. My stubbornness doesn’t like that thought at all.

I have no idea as to why I am trigger to my own m. Maybe because I look like my dad, I am very close to my dad and she messed it up with him. Maybe it’s because she links me to herself and instead of seeing as an individual- she sees herself. That would explain some of the treatment. Also she has screwed up with me several times, including letting my sexual abuse happen right under her nose. Having our dog attack me, which I talked about in the blog The Trees’ Secret, and seeing the scars on my face. I don’t know what else it could be but it makes me feel ugly and like dirt.

Have you ever had such an intensity of wanting to love and forgive to then despising and hating? It really pulls at you and confuses your heart. Do you love or hate the person? Do you want to be in their life or not?

The hardest triggers I have to say is my sisters’ birthdays. They are so innocent, sweet and loving. I just want to be there to celebrate their life with them. But I am not allowed. Instead I get emails (if I am lucky) that tell about how much fun they had celebrating it and how perfect their life is. Talk about rubbing my nose in it. It hurts so bad I can’t feel it. If that makes sense. That has happened so many times over the years- it is just something else that I stuff down deep inside of me.

If I try and let myself experience those emotions I either get so worked up I am on edge for a few days/weeks after or I am feel so unwanted I want to cut myself over and over OR I will sink into a very deep dark depression. I have no idea how to deal with these emotions or how to express them in a positive way. So I stuff.

I do have a wonderful step mom that has been in my life since I can remember. I call her momma in the privacy of our own home. I can’t do it publicly or I will hashed out from my real m. And I would rather avoid that situation. Because my real m. loves to turn into the victim and make me out to be the bad guy every time. “See how ungrateful she is? And after all I have done for you…” “See, she is rebellious” etc.

When in reality I feel like my step mom is my m. Not to be disrespectful but she and my dad raised me up from the abuse, loved me, provided for me and what me to do what I want in my life. My real m. is kinda like that distant great uncle you see only at family reunions. And when you see him you think, “I am related to him? Hm didn’t know that, okay.”

Even at get togethers if I go- she doesn’t sit next to me or even talk to me really. It is awkward. It gets worse- she will act like we are the best of friends for everyone to see and how much she loves me. When in reality that is the first time I have seen her  all year. My m. never ever calls me on the phone.

I mean NEVER.

When she has it is so awkward and seems so fake. From the way she says hello, to the time limit she puts on it, to the way she says “I love you”- it makes my skin crawl. So for her to call me, means someone has died, literally. One time she called me after a very hard passing of someone on my dad’s side. As you guessed it- it took me for a loop when I saw who it was. She basically wanted information of how it went and how I was. When I say information- I mean just that. She looks at like “she would be in the know”. Well I am sorry, but if you aren’t there for me at all in life why do you think I would open up to you just so you can find out how it all happened.

I told her I was fine. There was a long pause as if she expected more. Politely I thanked her for calling and ended the call. She was MAD at me. And I can tell you because she will do things in spite of me when she is. It gets very old that I can predict down to the words of what she will say or do.

It is embarrassing for her not to know what is going on in my life when others ask about me. Which is probably what prompted the call in the first place. She takes great pride in having the “best mom award” and if I don’t see how awesome she is then that is my fault.

I think another reason why she cuts me out and my therapist agrees with this- I can call out her BS. Excuse the language but it’s true. I can see through her and that makes me take pity on her but at the same time I don’t roll over either. I maybe silent but that is because she knows not to provoke me. I pity her because she has some bad things happen to her when she was younger too. I have no idea about any of it but I do have hints about it. And I can see how when a traumatized girl turn into a mother herself, she can’t emotionally be available to her daughter because she doesn’t know how to be. It is too painful.

That is why I want help. I do not want to be like that. I want to break the cycle and be the best mommy in the whole wide world. I will love my child unconditionally, I will nurture that child into whatever he/she would like to be in life. And the best part is- I don’t want recognition for it. I don’t need to stand on a pedestal and get the attention for my ego. I just want that person to know how much I love him or her and how much I believe in them.

I titled this blog The Lone Balloon because that is what I feel like. I want to be involved in my sisters’ lives and esp. around birthday/holiday time. I feel like the lone balloon a little kid forgets to hold onto. I am continually floating farther and farther away and no one notices or cares.

 

 

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The Trees’ Secret

The trees sway softly and silently. All night and all day they sway softly. It is almost as if they are trying to whisper. The light comes in hazily. Slow your eyes down and just gaze into the delicate beauty. Watch as the sunlight peeks through each tree. They are trying to shed light into the twisted darkness. The trees in these woods know a secret of mine. They would like to tell you, if you will just listen.

 

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All I can remember is hot breath along my face and sharp teeth flashing before my eyes. A blur of images and not  a lot of time to react or to even think. This animal we called our own, from which we raised from birth had flipped a switch. In an instant that hot breath and opened mouth covered half of my face. Half of my face was covered in darkness and heat.

The little girl fell to the ground, covered her head in fear and her mind went elsewhere. Her mind had gone into the trees and watched as his great big nails slashed into her head. Her mind cried silently, all she could do
was watch. Her gift was to numb the precious body from all the pain.

The dog stopped for a moment and that was all the little girl needed to slip away to be able to climb to safety. The animal followed her and tried multiple times to jump to reach her. The little girl screamed from her ladder for help since there was nowhere for her to go. Blood was dripping from her face and onto the treehouse wood.

Finally she was rescued and placed in the bathroom while things were gathered. She had the courage to look into the mirror. Stepping slowly in front of the glass, bracing herself- she looked. Her face had been chewed. Pieces of flesh were
hanging from her face. Quietly she got into the car, quietly she went into surgery, quietly she hated her harsh incisions. They were so ugly and all over her face.

Abruptly she was silenced anytime she wanted to speak up about her pain. She felt so ugly. People stared, people wondered and people poked fun. The incident was denied, modified and never spoke of again. The little girl took refuge in the trees as the days passed.

On the ladder, where she took refuge that day, the blood stain was still there. The redness began to fade over time but the stain and memory did not. To this day the little girl, now a young woman, can feel the breath of the beast on her face.

She remembers the hunger in his eyes and the brute strength of his nails digging into her skull. She remembers the loving hands, that she should call mother, silenced her. The trees know another secret- this wasn’t the first attack on the family that was silenced by those same hands.

Quietly the little girl remembers, quietly the woman hates.