My Diagnosis

I went to the doctor today and filled out a whole bunch of paperwork about my symptoms. Since I have never gotten help before- I had no idea what to expect. I arrived early to fill out the paperwork. My husband was by my side and so supportive, I knew I was safe, but I still couldn’t help the tightness in my throat. My hands were fidgety, my chest was tight and my eyes were shifty.

Finally, my name was called. I followed the woman to get my blood pressure taken, my weight (yay) and then followed her down a hallway. I hate hallways. It had a lot of doors too which is so stressful. I half expected someone to jump out at me. No one did though.

I sat down in her office and she began the hour long process of asking me questions. Normally I do not mind questions about my life- but these questions were the questions I always try and avoid. I immediately began to feel my air get cold in my throat, my hands wouldn’t stop moving and I kept holding my breath.

We went through all the paperwork and questions at a nice pace. It wasn’t too overwhelming. Once she was done entering all my answers into the computer- she called for the doctor to come see me.

He came in and was very friendly. He got right to the point and even printed out my medications that I will have to take from now on. I had no idea what I had been diagnosed with. I didn’t know if I would be at all. I had my guesses but I wasn’t exactly sure. I thought I would get just an occasional dose of meds for when my panic attacks were really bad.

Nope. I have 2 different medications to take daily and then another one for when my anxiety really spikes. Thankfully when we filled them, all 3 only totaled up to under $10. I really hope they work. I won’t say what they are just because I don’t want to.

The doctor said I am suffering from PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Moderate Major Depression because of the PTSD and I have General Anxiety Disorder because of the PTSD too. I wasn’t expecting Depression. I mean I know when I feel down or sad I “feel depressed” but major depression. Wow. Now I kinda know how Robin Williams felt. You can hide depression and most people are shocked to find out that you have it because you “seem happy”.

My chest and throat are still so tight and I notice I hold my breath a lot. I don’t know why but I always do. My therapist said I have PTSD but it is nice to have it on paper and Doctor diagnosed that in fact I do suffer from these 3 things.

It is really hard to open up about this face to face with someone, a friend, or a family member because I don’t look hurt. If I had a broken arm or foot, people would better understand. I really hope this works and my PTSD won’t be so bad.

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My Condescending Mother

Do you have one of these? If so, I feel your pain! I was on the phone with my therapist today and I uncovered something valuable. I have been converting vhs tapes into dvds for my family. So I have been seeing how my life was when I was just a few months old,  a toddler and then as a 6 year old. And let me tell ya- subconsciously I had not idea how much this stuff was bothering me.

I went into work and had a huge panic attack just because my schedule changed. I felt like I had no control over my emotions, my home, my job- ugh it was horrible. But anyways- back to the original story…

I ALWAYS swore up and down my mother was the best thing out there before she remarried my step dad. I associated all her changes then. Soooo NOT TRUE. Her outwards changes, moving around and abuse started to take shape more and become more outwardly noticeable but not her condescending attitude.

I also realize I am the same age as she was in the videos. And not to toot my own horn- but I am way more mature than her. She was not ready to have children. Emotionally she couldn’t handle it. I am so surprised I have turned out the way I have. It is only by the grace of God that I am the complete opposite of her. I am nurturing, passionate and caring. Granted I got some of her in me too, stubborn, opinionated, judgmental & unforgiving (I am trying to break those last two).

So here I am editing these videos and I hear her comments- her attitude towards me being a little kid. She was so mean! Instead of nurturing me- she cuts me down for others to laugh, belittles hurtful situations, doesn’t console me but makes fun of me, never gives me complements or encouragement. In the videos I struggled to really speak because I believe of her attitude towards me. I always felt stupid.

When I was older it was more noticeable that I couldn’t ever please her. She wanted me to be smart, I wasn’t. I have dyslexia and I used to stutter. I would shut down with stressful situations because I didn’t want to be judged, yelled at or criticized. She wanted me to sew, cook, clean, have the Bible memorized, have a  4.0 GPA, skinnier, less busty- this list goes on.

I understand wanting the best for your child and giving them life skills. I will do the same. But HOW she went about it was all completely wrong. I never got any love, any support, any meaningful conversation that I recall. I feel more like a trophy than a daughter. And believe me I struggled so when I didn’t deliver being a “trophy” I was cut out and cut off. Hello exile!

I always strived for attention and love because I never got it. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to do in life. I never had the opportunity because she was so concerned with how I made her look. I get so incredibly angry at her, even still with no contact. I just want to make her pay and owe up to how she treated me.

Lord help me when I have my babies and she wants to come around. If she isn’t careful I will be out for blood. (Not literally)

On another note though, I am trying to see how my other family members love me, even though they are all kinda condescending to me. I guess that gene runs in the family. Ugh how I hate it. Why can’t you just be nice?

PS This thursday I have an appointment at the local Psych Center. I might have another post coming this week depending on how I feel. Thank you to all who follow this blog, like my posts, comment and support me. ❤

It’s been awhile since I posted on here. I just get this overwhelming feeling whenever I come back to this website. It means I think about my struggles that I have and how I don’t have anyone to confide in. I recommitted myself to my YT Channel. So far it is going well. But I still can’t help but feel like I don’t matter. In comparison to people who have millions upon millions of subscribers- I just have a couple thousand. I know I should be grateful, more so than I am right now. I just can’t help but feel High School emotions- I am not popular which draws back to no body wants me.

Nobody wants me because my own birth m. doesn’t want me. That insecurity runs so deep- I don’t even know how to combat it. I want to open up more on my channel about my pain- like I did here. The only downside is, YT is a very public place and my family would disown me more than they already do.

So why would I care? Well, it’s like trying to reach for the goal you can never get or like a beaten dog still loving and loyal to the abuser. I feel flawed and those flaws of mine have to be wiped away in order to be good enough to be wanted by that side of the family. I can’t think of anything else but how I can please them and what would happen if I don’t. I can’t stand to think of someone not liking me, someone talking badly about me to others, being ashamed of me. And there is also the HUGE fact of not being believed and being made to believe that I am the crazy one.

I don’t know if I say this alot on here or not but I wish so many times the world would just stop. I wish time would pause long enough for me to just go get help, heal and over this. When I start to let myself “feel”- the emotions drown me.

Can It Be Over Now?

I just turned in my two weeks at my current job. I find it so difficult to finish out my promise with all the stress. I haven’t had time to even enjoy my days off because of the store’s needs. I am not paid very and the schedule just changed. I have to work 6 days a week now. Thankfully it is only for two weeks I have to meet this requirement.

I haven’t had motivation to clean my house, get into a routine and I can’t sleep very well. My mind wakes up with things to do. I just learned yesterday that I had to cut over 40 hours of help during this week, which is also Black Friday week, that is ludicrous!

I feel like most corporate places now expect more work but will pay or hire less. They expect tasks to take an hour or so when in reality it could take a few hours with the right person. Since when has money and stupidity taken over the world? Unrealistic expectations, short deadlines, unworkable payroll, lazy staff (because they don’t get paid much) and not to mention dealing with customers and helping them, all at the same time.

I took this job because I needed the experience, plus a Store Manager title looks good on my resume. But golly! I really do like retail and also managing, I promise. I understand some of this will come with the turf (don’t get me started on working on holidays), but sometimes I just shake my head and want to scream.

Maybe if we all didn’t bust our butts to get it done the “corporate world” would see how unrealistic they were and backed off a little. Oh you’re right, probably not. They would just say NEXT! I feel like America needs a HUGE wakeup call.

We need to stop outsourcing our jobs, pay people better, give better benefits, respect holidays, religious and family commitments. I think the “corporate world” has got to go. There is no need for CEOs to make hundreds of thousands of dollars by just attending meetings or whatever they do while their employees can’t have healthcare or pay their bills. I respect managers who work in the mud with me. Who help get the job done.

I wish I could change the world and make it a better place. I absolutely hate working. I know it has to be done, so I do it, but I hate it. Why would I want to work almost all my life and miss out on so much time with my family? It doesn’t make sense does it? You work to have a life but you can’t have a life because you work. lol. Bleh.

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Stuck

I don’t know what I want to talk about today. I wanted to avoid blogging but I decided it is best. This past Sunday was an ugly one for me. I can’t even say the word Sunday sometimes. I know I need to work on my trigger words- I haven’t yet.

But anyways… My husband really wants to be involved in our church. I do too at some point, but I can’t now. As soon as I go into church, around smiling, happy faces I feel like I have to be smiling and happy too. It is annoying and stressful- to pretend that everything is fine when it isn’t.

But let’s say I make it through that part. The part that really chokes me up is seeing everyone with their families, all sitting together. Babies, sisters, brothers, moms, dads, grandparents and so forth. It reminds me how for most of my life I truly felt rejected by one side of my family and of how my own mother doesn’t want me in her life.

I am too much of a trigger for her. I can’t see or spend time alone with my sisters. They are growing up without me. And not by my choice. It wouldn’t matter if I was the most perfect daughter in the world- she still wouldn’t want me there. I look like my dad. I am close to my dad. I went to live with him when I was 14. So in her mind I chose him over her. Which in reality I didn’t. I didn’t feel wanted or loved with her. I wanted to go somewhere where I was loved.

That part- I can never make it through because if I try- I can’t pretend I am happy at that point. I start to cry or frown, get jealous, mad, lonely, anxious. I then feel that pain of rejection for the rest of the week.

I decided I am going to try and go back to therapy. It won’t happen till probably next year because of my job but I will try. I have no idea how to face this. This past Sunday was ugly because I didn’t want to go and when someone pushes me to go- I get extremely hateful, snappy, depressed and angry.

I feel like a frightened dog that is cornered and afraid of confronting it head on. It also feels like no one understands. Sure they understand it for a little while, how I can struggle with this for a little while. But to struggle with this for 13+ years, people start to get less understanding and more pushy.

Even my own father says it’s like I am still 13 and stuck.

Triggers Everywhere

I woke up this morning thinking this will be an excellent day.

I woke up and check Facebook, there is this feminist video that is going round and I decided to watch it. The video has little girls dressed up as princesses using the Fbomb to get their point across.

The little girls started talking about how 1 out of 5 women will end up being sexually assaulted. They kept saying the word rape. This is my trigger month. I am hyper sensitive to this month because this is when my rape happened.

Personally, I don’t want to talk to about it. I get too depressed and anxious. Sometimes it gets so bad I do not want to be at work. I work in retail so when I see strange men I don’t know, I get overwhelmed, which working in retail happens a lot.

There used to be a man that would come into my old job all the time that looked very similar to my rapist and I would go into an internal frenzy. So my question is- is it healthy to continue to let my body feel this way? Because I tend to block it out and push it away.

Granted my rape happened in 2006, but this is the first year I went to counseling and resurfaced all this stuff. People, even my family, don’t really understand why it affects me so much after it has been so long.

They don’t even understand why my abusive home memories still affect me the way they do either. My family, the ones I trust enough with this, just say “You should be over it by now”, “Why can’t you just get over it?” “Stop being a victim”, “I thought you’d fight more”…

Really? Come on! That just makes me want to cut myself all over again. Or just fall off the face of the earth and leave everything behind. I tell myself those things all the time. I just want to be heard. Talking about a sexual assault is still too taboo sometimes for normal conversation… so how do you know who you can confide in that can help you or just be there to listen?

Avoidance

I apologize to myself for not taking the time to deal with the anxiety, the depression and the memories of the past. For awhile now I have just been consuming myself with business to not think about how I feel. I get so tired of the past holding me down, making me cry or depressing me that I suppress it.

I also have been avoiding Jesus because going to him is just a reminder of the abuse. It is so easy for me to slip back into my depression. I have so many triggers it is unbelievable. So I  would rather be busy and not think about anything.

I don’t know what the correct answer is but I know in my heart if I wasn’t chained and heart broken- I would be happier and a better person.

As much as I want to deny it and not think about it not having my own mother love and want me truly defines me. It makes me feel so insecure and inadequate. It makes me question the motives of females that I know because my m. was so manipulative.

I am tired of this same old record playing. Dealing, crying, anger, avoiding, denying and repeat.