The First Day Back

Seeing a new counselor is unnerving for anyone. I was so nervous I wouldn’t like this new person or what if their advice was a bit out there?! lol But that is (thank goodness) not the case here. Sure this one is different than the last. Everyone has different animations, thinking processes, reactions and quirks. It will take time adjusting but I really hope this works out. I am a a little reserved because I am testing out the waters.

I do notice that when I speak about things that happen to me. It is a record playing feeling. I don’t process what I say- I just speak it. I don’t feel, I don’t think- it just comes out of my mouth plain as day just like if you asked me about the weather.

My new counselor has a very easy schedule, which is nice because of my work. I know I am blessed because I can still work full time and get the counseling I need. I already feel better just knowing I have an outlet. Someone who will always listen and who will try and help me.

She asked me to rate how my condition is and I was surprised myself to just see how much my anxiety and avoidance has taken over again. Instead of just occasionally happening, it is everyday, avoidance type thing. Plus sleep disturbances, flashbacks, nightmares, and instead of flashing back all the time, my mind constantly makes up new trauma that could possibly happen before my very eyes. Like robberies, car accidents, shootings, my own death, rape again, violence and more.

I did have a bad headache when meeting with her, and whenever I talk or think about these things. I am starting to get one now and I also get extremely tired. Alright sorry to end so abruptly but there is only so much I can talk about in one sitting before it becomes too much.

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“I Will Pray for You”- Why that Triggers my Anxiety

I met with my Pastor yesterday and he gave me some insight and some hard challenges. I will talk more about it when I am up for it but right now I will just keep it brief. One of the things that has always caused anxiety for me is my Trigger words that take me back to my Spiritual force fed abuse from my mother (that I still get).

My pastor gave me the challenge to think of a new happy memory and attach it to those words, give the word either a new meaning or say something different completely. He explained to me that every word we know, that I know, is neutral. We attach, I attach, specific meanings and memories to it.

For example, some words I cannot stand to hear. It urks me, it makes my blood boil and hatred to rise up in me. One of those words is PRAY. I hate that word. When I think of PRAY I think of the hypocrisy people use (my mother included) to “pray for you”. Some of the meanest people say that, “Well bless your heart, I will pray for you.” When you have done nothing wrong. I feel that there is a double meaning attached to that word and it isn’t meant to be sincere.

Instead of saying pray, prayer, praying.. I will refer it to as “talking to God” or “talk to Him”. That is essentially what I am doing anyways. I am just taking out the trigger word. Even just typing the word or thinking of the memories attached to the word “pray” makes me want to punch someone.

That is all the brain power I have today. I am hoping to make a list of words that trigger me in the next couple posts… but the issue with that is I don’t like being triggered. lol

My Therapist is Leaving?!

Out in the waiting room at my last appointment I hear someone talking to my therapist about how great she is and how sad they are to see her go. When I go into my appointment I ask her first off if it is true and she confirms it. Thankfully, when I found out it is not our last visit. I will be able to see her through the end of the month but still I bawled like a baby.

We are just starting to talk about one of the hardest issues for me and she is leaving. She then began to tell me that in just a couple months she will be back at another private location that costs money. Right now I my counseling is free due to the organization I go through. Once she leaves and if I decided to resume with her it will cost me $$ every week to see her and insurance coverage is a joke.

I have spoke with the hubby and we are deciding if we would like to do that or not. We don’t have much or make much. And we don’t have any other options that offer free counseling. The other woman at this organization isn’t taking on new clients.

When I started thinking about it- I don’t want to switch to another person. She is so good, and we have already been through so much. She understands me in a way that it would take someone new months to get. If I do choose to continue to see her after a month’s break- I will feel so guilty costing us money.

I am hoping that these last couple visits I will learn some tools to calm down and keep the nightmares away. They are starting to occur in the day when I am awake now- leaving me so mentally exhausted.