The Job Promotion

Getting a promotion is always exciting. It reenforces that fact that someone notices your hard work. I was offered a job promotion and took it. I have been there almost a week now at this new location. The new location however is more in the city and not in the country. There is crime nearby and there have been a lot of theft and armed robberies at this location.

I really prayed about it and realized this is a great opportunity for me and I shouldn’t let crime stop me from advancing my career. Theft, I have dealt with, it is annoying but nothing dangerous. The gunpoint robberies have only happened a few times in the past year or two.

The place I worked at before got robbed but not when I was employed there and so did the bank across the street. Crime can happen anywhere. But anyways- that isn’t the point of this blog.

The point is I can’t stop thinking about what will happen if I do get held up at gunpoint. Then just this morning it dawned on me, I am not trusting God. I am worried about “what if”s and that means I am not focusing my trust on God. He will keep me safe. He will look after me.

Fear gets to me so easily. We have these huge windows in the front of the store which are so nice but at night it is hard to see out of. They’re tinted so you cannot see out of them at night at all. Well I can’t, maybe once I have been there awhile I will be able to. Anyways- that part has my anxiety kicked up a couple notches. I hate parking lots, dark and not being able to see. I feel so vulnerable in a parking lot. Probably because my rape happened in a parking lot, at dark, alone and I couldn’t see what was coming.

I am so thankful for this job. Because it is allowing me to face my fears and overcome them. I don’t want to cower away from triggers anymore. I want to overcome them. Just like Mandisa says, “I am an overcomer”. (That’s a great song, btw, Overcomer by Mandisa)

I don’t want to be a victim anymore and I don’t want to imagine things going wrong.

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Triggers Everywhere

I woke up this morning thinking this will be an excellent day.

I woke up and check Facebook, there is this feminist video that is going round and I decided to watch it. The video has little girls dressed up as princesses using the Fbomb to get their point across.

The little girls started talking about how 1 out of 5 women will end up being sexually assaulted. They kept saying the word rape. This is my trigger month. I am hyper sensitive to this month because this is when my rape happened.

Personally, I don’t want to talk to about it. I get too depressed and anxious. Sometimes it gets so bad I do not want to be at work. I work in retail so when I see strange men I don’t know, I get overwhelmed, which working in retail happens a lot.

There used to be a man that would come into my old job all the time that looked very similar to my rapist and I would go into an internal frenzy. So my question is- is it healthy to continue to let my body feel this way? Because I tend to block it out and push it away.

Granted my rape happened in 2006, but this is the first year I went to counseling and resurfaced all this stuff. People, even my family, don’t really understand why it affects me so much after it has been so long.

They don’t even understand why my abusive home memories still affect me the way they do either. My family, the ones I trust enough with this, just say “You should be over it by now”, “Why can’t you just get over it?” “Stop being a victim”, “I thought you’d fight more”…

Really? Come on! That just makes me want to cut myself all over again. Or just fall off the face of the earth and leave everything behind. I tell myself those things all the time. I just want to be heard. Talking about a sexual assault is still too taboo sometimes for normal conversation… so how do you know who you can confide in that can help you or just be there to listen?