My Diagnosis

I went to the doctor today and filled out a whole bunch of paperwork about my symptoms. Since I have never gotten help before- I had no idea what to expect. I arrived early to fill out the paperwork. My husband was by my side and so supportive, I knew I was safe, but I still couldn’t help the tightness in my throat. My hands were fidgety, my chest was tight and my eyes were shifty.

Finally, my name was called. I followed the woman to get my blood pressure taken, my weight (yay) and then followed her down a hallway. I hate hallways. It had a lot of doors too which is so stressful. I half expected someone to jump out at me. No one did though.

I sat down in her office and she began the hour long process of asking me questions. Normally I do not mind questions about my life- but these questions were the questions I always try and avoid. I immediately began to feel my air get cold in my throat, my hands wouldn’t stop moving and I kept holding my breath.

We went through all the paperwork and questions at a nice pace. It wasn’t too overwhelming. Once she was done entering all my answers into the computer- she called for the doctor to come see me.

He came in and was very friendly. He got right to the point and even printed out my medications that I will have to take from now on. I had no idea what I had been diagnosed with. I didn’t know if I would be at all. I had my guesses¬†but I wasn’t exactly sure. I thought I would get just an occasional dose of meds for when my panic attacks were really bad.

Nope. I have 2 different medications to take daily and then another one for when my anxiety really spikes. Thankfully when we filled them, all 3 only totaled up to under $10. I really hope they work. I won’t say what they are just because I don’t want to.

The doctor said I am suffering from PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Moderate Major Depression because of the PTSD and I have General Anxiety Disorder because of the PTSD too. I wasn’t expecting Depression. I mean I know when I feel down or sad I “feel depressed” but major depression. Wow. Now I kinda know how Robin Williams felt. You can hide depression and most people are shocked to find out that you have it because you “seem happy”.

My chest and throat are still so tight and I notice I hold my breath a lot. I don’t know why but I always do. My therapist said I have PTSD but it is nice to have it on paper and Doctor diagnosed that in fact I do suffer from these 3 things.

It is really hard to open up about this face to face with someone, a friend, or a family member because I don’t look hurt. If I had a broken arm or foot, people would better understand. I really hope this works and my PTSD won’t be so bad.

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The Second Visit

Getting to know someone new is always a bit of a slow process. Today was my 2nd appointment with my new therapist. It went so incredibly well. I feel so relaxed and things just kinda flow out of me. I think going to therapy has increased my happiness and decreased my depression. I have been depressed because I have felt alone. I don’t really have anyone to talk to day in and day out about my struggles because even the most faithful friend or family member doesn’t want to hear about my issues all the time. It’s like my dad has told me. He is so happy that he is finally getting to talk to “me” and not my problems or my anxiety triggers. I can understand that too about my friends. I felt like I was scraping out of a deeper and deeper hole when I had no one to talk to. I was scrambling to get a footing without a therapist to help me. Now that I have someone I can count on and depend on- my “fix” has been met. I still get very terrible migraines and headaches during and after an appointment. But I know that is to be expected. I also know that once an appointment is over- I need about a 2 hr nap if not more. I am not saying everything is perfect. I am still pretty tired actually. I am starting to feel a whole let better. ūüôā

Changes

I have decided to make some changes.

I deleted some previous posts- not because I was ashamed of them but just because I don’t think they really quite fit in. I am thinking about changing the layout too to be easier and understandable.

I hope to start up my daily blogging again to help me really deal with some of the issues I face. Not seeing a therapist or having the time for one has effected me more than I thought.

Plus I don’t open up about these things barely anymore so not having a friend to talk to- this is the best thing I have right now.

I am up at 3am again. I was sleeping alright for awhile there but not anymore. I am not excited about dealing with some of my issues. I would rather TOTALLY AVOID IT! I tend to write things off and deny that they exist. Who wants me for who I truly am? A broken, depressed, unhappy, bottled up, angry, broken, sensitive girl?

The Words that Heal

Last time I visited my therapist she said to think up of an action plan of what to do when I feel overwhelmed. I have been drawing a blank these past couple weeks and I couldn’t figure out anything. I saw this post on Yahoo the other day that talked about an Anger Box for newlyweds.

You get a box, you and your husband write love letters to each other  whenever you want and however many times you want. Fill up the box and then shut it. Then whenever you feel like giving up/calling it quits or get so mad at each other -you will open up that box and read your love letter written to you by your spouse. It helps remind you what it is truly all about.

I do have a blessings box. That is when I write about blessings God has provided for me so I do not forget about him. I have kinda slacked off/not being noticing the blessings during my “haze”. And like my last entry (speaking in quotes) sometimes I just don’t want anything to do with God because of my abusive triggers.

My task today besides cleaning the house and going to therapy will be to get these boxes together and start writing some letters. I might write on the outside what it will help for. So for example I will write a letter that will explain how life is so beautiful and all my plans if I become suicidal. Also my husband’s letters will help remind me how much I mean to him and that will help.

Another one is if I feel so overwhelmed by sharing living space with others- I will write a letter about how much of a blessing they are. Or if I can’t stand to read a scripture because of a trigger- I will read a letter I wrote to God. I struggle with seeking attention to wanting to be covered like a nun. I also struggle with extreme anxiety, nightmares, fantasies, anger, depression, self-esteem, using food as my comfort, exercise abuse triggers, anti social behavior and more.

I haven’t developed anything else for that action plan but I know this will help. I am excited to start this journey of helping myself heal. I might even put a couple letters I write to myself on here to share. I have a lot of work to do. ūüôā

 

Scars

As I put in my earbuds and turn on some relaxing music I begin to realize how much I have wanted to just write. There is something “freeing” about just letting my fingers take control of the keys and no thought of “what will they think” or “what will they say” go through my head. My anxiety isn’t that bad right now but thankfully I am finally alone. Sometimes I¬†just need alone time to feel whatever I¬†want to, whether it be grumpy, sleepy, giddy, girly, sad, angry, grieving or whatever I¬†wish to feel at the moment. As of right now in my current situation I have felt for the past few years I am a barbie with a painted on smile. I am not allowed to fully go through any other emotion.

I have come to understand that if you do not let yourself fully experience the emotions and “be yourself”, it can be damaging and create anxiety. I have so many scars- physically and mentally. I have no idea where to begin to try and explain them. My deepest scars aren’t even the ones I made with scissors but the ones done to me by someone who is supposed to love me¬†unconditionally. Right now even trying to let my fingers type is causing tears to fog my vision. I have come so far from where I was. I truly despised myself and sometimes I still do. Before the scissors I used to pull my own hair, slap myself across the face, bite myself and cry out in a rage. That was the only way I could express myself and I figured I was such a screw up, bullied, unattractive, not wanted and sexually & mentally abused that no one listened or cared.

It felt as if I was in a room full of people that “loved me” but never would hear me cry. My voice¬†and¬†my screams were muted. Everyone was ignoring me and if I tried to speak I was silenced. Now I just suffer in silence to keep the “peace” that others want. This blog is the first step for me to understand and let myself experience emotions I have blocked out for so long.

The Day After

I wish I could just swallow all my anxiety. Why does it have to roar up at every waking moment? I don’t understand how every little distraction bothers me. I wish I could be carefree, spontaneous and full of life. Instead I dread the presence of people and “putting on” my smile. Thank goodness my pup is here with me, sleeping so peacefully. When I watch him¬†sleep so soundly, it eases my storm inside. His presence and unconditional love gives me peace I want so desperately.

I have never had the courage to bear my soul completely. I just stuff everything down inside without even thinking. For the first time in my life I am starting to bear my soul to someone on a couch, in a quiet warm room once a week. But after that first meeting this week- what about the days after? Bearing my soul for 60 minutes to then just cutting it off? How do I contain the waves of emotion that follow throughout the rest of the week? I must go for now. The smile needs “put on”. Until next entry.