Is An Abusive Home Always Abusive?

I have been secretly asking myself this question. It dawned on me that just because my relationship with my “mother” is abusive, manipulative, emotionally distant, liar, actress, condescending, negative, self seeking can those tendencies still remain there in that house? As you know, if you read my blog, I have little sisters that live in that same house.

I can’t do anything about it. I am cut off from that family and have been for years. I just now have made it my choice to be cut off and no contact. My home life with my mother was horrible. It was so forceful, yelling, screaming, silent treatments, punishment through many different ways, I was a hit a few times out of her anger when I was littler. I saw my sisters get so hits during one “spanking” I had to look away.

But my sisters- I can’t tell you what they truly think. They aren’t allowed to contact anyone and if they do she is right there. They are also home-schooled. I know homeschooling in itself isn’t bad but I do feel it needs to be regulated or at least checked in on from time to time. That is my personal opinion.

After CPS was called on for me, or at least my school checked in, (on my home life after I told a counselor some of the things that went on in that house) she wanted to home school me. Staying home was complete torture to me. I walked on eggshells all day. I couldn’t be kid, I didn’t have friends and I couldn’t bother her at all. Thankfully my father (they are divorced) stepped in and said  “Hell no”.

When I was growing up as a child and a teen I knew my home life wasn’t normal because I had my dad’s house to go to. I saw other family and had an escape to go to. So what does that mean for my sisters who have both of their parents still together and conducting this home school, control type thing?

Personally I feel that home-schooling for some is not about the child, I feel like it is a way to maintain control and dependency. But for the poor child who doesn’t know any different- how do you begin to explain that their home is not normal? I do not know if they go through the abuse that I did. I don’t believe it is as physical as mine was but I do believe she is emotionally neglective. She trains the children in the way she wants them to go.

Of course they have their home school friends and co-op classes but those are all pre-determined by my mother. And if my mother has made up her mind that you are a threat- goodbye to you! I wish I could call her out on all of this. But no one in the family sees it and if they do they are shutting up about it.

I can’t keep living my life worried about my sisters or what will happen or if I will have a relationship with them. As sad as it is- a time with come but right now ignorance is bliss for them. I just won’t be surprised if one or any of them won’t be able to go to church or do anything else that is a trigger. What happens when they are 18 or go to college? What will they think?

I hope with all my life that they aren’t going through the same emotions I went through secretly on my own. That would break my heart.

9 thoughts on “Is An Abusive Home Always Abusive?

  1. I think homeschooling is about control sometimes too. Not always of course. I went to school… but I was controlled in other ways. My two older brothers were taken out of school in 6th and 9th grade respectively, for 3 years, they were not even really taught. Learned nothing. Begged to go back to school. When we moved they finally were put back in but we’re a grade behind. I talked with my brother recently about how trapped I felt due to a circumstance I was in as a child and he told me about how trapped he was with the homeschooling

    • Thank you so much for your comment! 🙂 I loved reading it and thank you for sharing. I am sorry that happened to you. My schooling was an escape from the condescending, manipulative abuse I went through. So when she tried to home school me in 7th grade I was terrified. Thankfully she “gave me an option” either home school or christian school. I chose the christian school. How much older are your brothers? Did you live in the same house at the same time when you were older, like teens?

      • My brothers were 1.5 and 5 years old than me. I was going to be homeschooled too but I backed out of it like 2 weeks prior to school starting and my mom was ok with it. I think at first my brothers like it because they didn’t do any work, but then they realized they couldn’t do anything, had no friends or anything, couldn’t go out etc. For me, I was finally free. We had just moved to a new area that year, before that my whole life I had been literally stuck in a room with my parents (age 3-9), I went to school and then was at home but could play outside other than my backyard with my brothers or sister and then slept in my parents bedroom (which my dad denies ever happening, haven’t asked my mom, but my siblings and I have talked about it, so I know I am not just making it up). And we moved when I was 9 and suddenly I was free, had my own room, was in school, allowed to be outside with friends. It was really bizarre. But my brothers were basically stuck now. It was like she went from me to them.

      • Wow I am so sorry. See I am the oldest and I am worried that they are going to through a similar thing but don’t know if they are thinking they are crazy. Because I always did. I knew something wasn’t right but I didn’t know if I was on to something or not. I am 10,12, and 14 years older than my sisters. I want to make sure they are okay but they might not even understand or comprehend what they are actually going through.

      • I don’t think any of us knew what each other was going through back then. To be honest, my brother and I literally just talked about this less than a month ago for the first time ever. This happened when we were kids, and I am 26 and he is 31… I had no idea that is how he felt and he had no idea that was how I felt. We had somewhat abusive situations which is how it was brought up cause I am in therapy and he was asking me how I was doing, so I told him I am going through issues from childhood. How old are they? Can you ask them about how they feel? Nothing may be going on at all… but they might be having problems. It doesn’t hurt to ask just to see what their thoughts on it are. They might be find with it all or they might be having issues, but if they are old enough to talk about it you might be more at peace with what is going on.

      • I wish I could. I am not allowed any contact. I am seeing them tomorrow possibly because we have a family event but they are trained to stay right by my mother’s side. They seem happy but so did I on the outside. When I lived there, the girls would have nightmares so I would ask them to talk about it and I got in huge trouble and was told to not discuss even dreams with them anymore.

      • It definitely sounds as thought they are in a controlled environment. On the outside, our family appeared happy as well, I don’t think anyone knew what was going on when we were kids. When we moved and my brother finally went back to school, everyone seemed to notice our family life was not that great though. Perhaps you could notify other people around the area – family friends or even child protective services.

      • Well with me speaking out on Facebook about not having a relationship with my mother and how fake she is. Plus talking about the abuse openly- I think that is starting to get people to ask questions but her family still doesn’t totally believe. I don’t want to call CPS just yet. I have no idea what really goes on in that home and if could legally be considered “abuse”. Does that make sense?

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