Hip Popping Syndrome Caused by Physical Abuse as a Child?

Have you heard of Hip Popping Syndrome? Maybe you have it and never knew it was a syndrome like I did. I literally have had it, (a popping, snapping, sometimes painful tendon grinding against my hip bone on both sides) ever since I can remember. AND ever since I can remember my mother made me run on the treadmill  every morning at 5 am because she wanted me to.

I have done a little research on this and I am so mad beyond type-able words. It is said that YOUNG athletes can develop this, along with repetitive vigorous exercise and girls/women are more prone to develop it.

But anyways back to the story. I recently met with my Pastor and I now have uncovered a true HATE for my mother. If you follow my blog and have read some of my stories, this is just another one to add to bucket of how she failed me as a mother.

She used to be fat in school. She had these huge thighs and she still does, very pear shape. So she would make ME run on the treadmill at least 1 mile under a certain time period. I would have to write my time on the calendar for her to approve. If I didn’t get up in time, didn’t go the distance, went past the time, or held onto the handle bars- I would get into trouble. Like not be able to go to school, or have to run more, kinda trouble.

A bitch with issues will be her name now. GEEZ! I am so sick and tired of finding out and realizing all the shit she did to me. And the best part is (not really), I can’t talk to anyone about it on that side or even to her because they all don’t believe it. I say the words I need to say to get over it. I can’t express my emotions, I can’t tell her I hate her, I can’t yell and scream at her because she wants nothing to do with me.

Maybe I was born with hip popping- I don’t know. But I can guarantee you- her abuse didn’t make it any better. I have so much anger with her. Like I said I met with my Pastor a couple weeks ago and he talked to me about forgiveness to let myself rest.

I want to forgive and move on and not be chained to the past anymore but it is kinda hard when “the bitch with issues” has caused me so much pain, mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually.

Can I sue her? lol

My Current Playlist

I wanted to share my playlist with you. I have been honest with myself this past week about the relationships I need and the relationships I don’t. There has been a lot of mixed emotions from empowerment to “what in the heck am I doing?” moments. I am so much stronger now than I have ever been.

What has been helping me stay strong is I put together a playlist that talks about the way I have been treated or felt all my life. There is a mix of genres because I like all music. It took me a couple days to put this together, it is 20 songs and I am in total love with it.

I have not been able to work out at all because of my abuse when I was younger but with this playlist- I just might be able to one day. Okay- so enough chatting- here is the list. Enjoy! & Let me know what you think below. Plus let me know what songs help you out when you are having a difficult time staying strong.

I titled the playlist- Stronger

  • 1 Fighter by Christina Aguilera
  • 2 Just Like You by Three Days Grace
  • 3 Mean by Taylor Swift
  • 4 It’s Been Awhile by Staind
  • 5 Breakdown by Seether
  • 6 Brave by Sara Bareilles
  • 7 Mean Girls by Rachel Crow
  • 8 Freckles by Natasha Bedingfield
  • 9 Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson
  • 10 Wide Awake by Katy Perry
  • 11 Roar by Katy Perry
  • 12 Country Strong by Gwyneth Paltrow
  • 13 I Don’t Want to Be by Gavin DeGraw
  • 14 What It’s Like by Everlast
  • 15 Call Me When You’re Sober by Evanescence
  • 16 Not Afraid by Eminem
  • 17 Liar Liar by Christina Grimmie
  • 18 King of Thieves by Christina Grimmie
  • 19 Not Fragile by Christina Grimmie
  • 20 Cries in Vain by Bullet For My Valentine

It’s just under 80 minutes and I love every single song on here. So if you are a sufferer of abuse, you get all the blame shifted to you, been bullied, being left alone, depression, self harm or suicidal- one of these songs just might help you. 🙂

No Longer Silenced

Therapy was a break through for me and so was yesterday. I think it just all clicked in my brain. I know I still have a journey ahead but I am making some huge steps. I have ALWAYS feared my m. whether I would like to admit it or not- I did. I would fear she would take my sisters away for good, I would fear of disappointing her, I would fear of the degrading letters and emails she would send. I would fear I wouldn’t measure up, gaining too much weight, not pursuing the career she approved of, not living the life she approved of. But mostly I was fearful of losing my sisters.

My therapist sat back after she heard some more stories I shared with her. Just to hit on briefly about how I cannot go into a church sometimes and sit through a service without triggers. I can’t see families together because mine isn’t. I can’t hear the familiar Bible stories or verses because it’s pounded into my head. It brings back painful memories of childhood. Not only would memories verses be plastered all over the walls in her house but she would play a tape for us of the Bible at night that we would have to listen to to fall asleep. We’d move from church to church, lesson after lesson, daily readings of the Bible together. Memory verse contests, home schooled teachings of the Bible, video tapes of the Bible would sometimes be the only thing I would be allowed to watch. IT was horrendous. Everything was pounded into us & shoved down our throats. There was never a choice involved- it was forced fed.

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A couple of the most prominent verses are “Children obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” Colossians 3:20. I didn’t EVEN HAVE TO LOOK THAT UP! I knew it by heart. This one I did have to look up, Ephesians 6:2-3, 2“Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”

Those two verses are seriously the first two you learn growing up in that house. I lived there til I was 14 and had to visit there until I was 17-18, so I saw my little sisters and how they were raised. If they didn’t comply, they weren’t spanked- they were literally beaten until they stopped. Not just 1 smack with discipline- it was smack, smack, smack smack smack!

I brought a letter my m. sent to me on my birthday so my therapist could see it. She was astonished. This card didn’t look like a birthday card and it was a blank card originally. It wasn’t signed by the whole family, (I got nothing from my sisters but a group voicemail), it was just signed by m. But it was written in to the max of just Bible verses about love. Make me puke! My therapist had then told me that I have been severely Spiritually Abused by her.

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She picked up the card and said, “How many more times do you want to go through this?” That didn’t really sink in until the next day to be honest. But what she said next hurt so bad I couldn’t believe she said it. She said, “You already do not have a relationship with your sisters. You are not in their lives.” I got a lump in my throat and my eyes started to burn. I had never heard that or thought of that. I told her how much that statement hurt but I couldn’t repeat it. So she said it again. I flustered and started crying. “It hurts you because deep down, you know it’s true.”

It is true. All this time I had been fearing the most damaging thing my m. could do to me and she has already done it. My therapist let that soak for a minute and then began to comfort me by saying another truth. “You don’t have one now, but you will have an opportunity. They will come to you whether they are 18 or older, and your mother will no longer have control over them legally. And ya know what, I am so proud of you for actually being able to even attend church with how much you have been through. You may not be able to go when you have triggers but you need to learn to separate the difference between your abuse and what it’s like to have faith.”

The next morning I sat up a Googled Spiritual Abuse. I found this really good article/site that talks about how God doesn’t approve of spiritual abuse. Matthew 18:6, “If anyone causes one of these little ones–those who believe in me–to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.”

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That is the EXACT moment of when it all clicked in my head. The reason why I never ever could really go against my m. or step dad fully was because of the guilt of disobeying God. I had to honor them, and obey them in everything. That meant eat what I was told to eat, sit when they said sit and be who they said be. It all makes complete sense to me now. Thinking on this is actually comical to me now, how easy it was to fool me. I can see it plain as day. And now I know God is not thrilled about this at all! It is not my fault, I was a little one she caused to stumble. She is control and power hungry. She twists the words of God to benefit her. And it is better for her to drown in the sea.

Once I was able to see all that so clearly- I felt God stand behind me and empower me to do what I did next. My therapist recommended that I speak up. I kinda shook at the thought because I didn’t want to, I couldn’t imagine doing that. She asked why. I responded, “because I don’t want to stir up the hornet’s nest.” She asked why again. I couldn’t come up with an answer. Fear. Fear of what? My sisters are already taken from me. It was because back to that key thought, “well if I do that, I am not honoring my mother and father, I am rebellious, ungrateful, horrible daughter….” THOSE aren’t my words- that’s what I’ve “been trained” to think.

So next, I went onto Facebook. I made a status talking about how I do not want a relationship with my m., I have never had one with her. (I don’t ever call her mother, I call her by her real name) How it breaks my heart I have to have pre approval to be able to see my own sisters. And that I am not going to stroke her ego to just maybe be able to see my sisters. How my m. uninvited me to this past christmas, how I never hear from her for months at a time and I want nothing to do with her. I am done being silent.

Now my m. doesn’t have facebook but my aunts, uncles, cousins and friends do. I didn’t post it to be mean or to get back at her. I posted it to let everyone know what they have always assumed. I then later posted another status saying that no one has to choose sides mine or hers. And that if you have a relationship with her you will still be able to have one with me. Also that I will never talk about situations about her unless that person asks- then I will answer.

I got a lot of support from my friends and family surprisingly enough. But the family that is related to both of us pretty much stayed out of it. Except a couple people who said “it takes two”- meaning I am at fault too. Well, I am not and some of my friends stood up to them for me, which was nice.  I didn’t expect to “start a war”, I am just letting people know I’m not faking a relationship with my abusive m. anymore. Then that is when my therapist’s question that lingered in my head was answered, How much more are you going to take of this?.     None.

 

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To the One Who Wears the Mask

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I know you.

I am apart of you.

When the fogginess of wanting to be accepted by you has cleared- I am left with heartache. My heart does not ache for myself or my own pain but for the mask wearer. I know if you probably read this it wouldn’t even sink in. You are too far gone in your mask.

I feel your pain and the heaviness of the mask. I didn’t know you as a little child but you went through some traumas of your own. Being the first child- did you have anyone to lean on? Did you create the mask as a little child to fool people that hurt you?

I can see how a mask can be empowering and an escape to a little child when the home is turmoil and unstable. It was like a breath of fresh air. Something you could control and focus your energy into. You can be anyone you want to be in your mask. No one has to know who you really are or what your life is really like. I can understand your mind was just trying to protect its self. I told you- I know you. I am apart of you.

At first the mask was a protection tool and an escape. Over time it became your face, your safe haven, your “go to” and as time went on- you took the mask off less and less. Why would you need to take it off? It would only show the hurt, the pain, the abandonment, the broken home and the abuse. You like the mask better- anyone would.

You have a huge hole in your heart and this mask fills it for you. You rid yourself of the liability of feeling guilt because guilt and shame were thrown at you as a child constantly. You witness first hand how manipulation can get you things that you want so you developed the tool.

As a little girl when you tried to emotionally latch on you were rejected, hurt and abused. You stripped yourself from viewing people as people and only as objects. Looking at a person as an object means they cannot hurt you and you don’t have to be emotionally bound to them.

The mask provides you with just seeing their uses and how they can benefit your mask further. I compare it to sex “without the strings” of the relationship. You view, collect and pick people for their uses and benefits “without the strings” of emotional attachment.

And of course how can a mask be fun if it doesn’t make you feel better? Want to be sexier? Smart? Desirable? Smooth? Charming? You as time went on made the mask so incredibly pretty. You softened the edges so “the objects” can’t find the seam-line. Your mask is slowly latching onto your face but what you have created makes you feel so good.

Let me illuminate something for you before think your mask can save you. Have you ever thought about the side effects of wearing a mask for so long? It gets hot, stuffy, suffocating and sometimes it actually sticks to your face. Your mask helped you as a child deal with your emotions and help defuse the situation but now it is apart of you.  You can’t get it off or change it nor do you want to because you are still that scared little girl behind the mask.

The mask has its own mind now. Its own wants and needs and you must fill it at any cost or it’ll start to crack. And the “objects” will see. The mask that used to be a breath of fresh air is now a parasitic leech. You and your mind have no idea about this. You cannot see the damage it is causing you because you have wiped away the feeling of remorse or guilt. You do not care in your mask. You just want it your way and to feel good about yourself.

The horrible side effect of your mask has made you callous and shallow. Can anyone ever truly smile in a mask? No. No one can see your real smile and the mask won’t let you- even if you knew how to smile. You mimic what you have seen over the years because you, yourself did not let yourself experience or deal with emotions. Your brain never made the connection as a small child.

Your escape has now become your prison. I told you- I know you. I am apart of you.

One night, after I cut my legs so deeply my dad and step mom found me outside. They helped me into the bathroom and washed away all the blood. It was such a humbling, loving experience- I couldn’t help but cry. They were cleaning the cuts I made because I hated myself so much.

I wish I could provide you with that kind of support, love and understanding. They didn’t hate me or get mad at me for what I did. They were just there to surround me with love. I wish I could peel back the mask piece by piece and save you. I would do it in a heartbeat for you. I wouldn’t hate you, judge you, leave you or whatever else you might think- I want to just surround you with love and help you.

This is how much I love you.

My heartaches for you because I know the little girl is stuck behind the mask still reliving all the trauma and pain. I just want her to come out and heal. I want her to experience life in the way it is meant to be, to truly love and to be loved. I don’t want you to drown in your own sorrow and pain. I don’t want you to be cut off from family and friends. I don’t want you to be imprisoned by your own mask- I want you to just be free.

This is how much I love you.

No Noise

I have been trying to catch you all up on the emotions and what I went through as a child so you understand where I am coming from and get the back story. There are obviously some topics I want to talk about but I just cannot bring myself to fully explain my sexual abuse as a child, my rape as a teenager, my physical abuse that was done to me through running, the bullying I faced at two different schools and some other things.

I don’t know why, even with a concealed identity I feel like I am really just opening myself up and overexposing myself. I have talked about it before, even publicly for a school class project but it was more so like word vomit. I wasn’t experiencing or had dealt with what I was saying. It felt like I was just saying facts about me. “Hi, I am 25 years old, I like the color pink, I was raped and I like movies.”

I have no idea why I would casually mention it. I can now understand why people were shocked, boys fled but to me I thought I was just being upfront and honest. Currently I do not mention it so openly because I am scared of scaring people away. I have had somethings happen to me that aren’t to be taken with just a “spoonful of sugar”.

I found Jesus in the mix of all of this which I will also write about, hopefully soon. It feels like I have so many stories to tell- it’s a bit overwhelming. This morning’s blog will be a little more exposed and personal. I had a rough night last night. I suffer from insomnia and have been for awhile. I forced myself to sleep last night and woke up in the hottest sweat yet. I can’t remember my dream- I am normally very good at remembering my dreams. But I can only remember fragments and it was yet another variation of my childhood sexual abuse.

I have nightmares sometimes so vivid and real- it puts me in a serious funk for a couple days and creates a fear of sleeping. When I think back on my sexual abuse and rape there is no noise- it’s quiet, numb and frozen, But in my dreams it’s loud, vicious, humiliating, painful and repeating- which that didn’t happen in my real life incidents.

So why dream that way? My dreams are more traumatic then the actual events I feel like. Maybe that is my subconscious letting myself feel the emotions I was too frozen to feel? I have no idea if that is true or not but it is downright frightening either way.

Thank goodness I didn’t have one of those dreams last night but I still had something. I just can’t remember all of it. And in that dream- it was quiet, not like the loudness of the others. What really shook me and took me back was what happened before I went to sleep.

I have had flashbacks of the rape before. It was right after it happened and they were horrible. Since then not too many flashbacks has happened. But last night it did. And not to give too much detail but it was when I was with my husband. It was beyond what words can explain. There was nothing similar in the situation so it wasn’t a trigger. My best guess is this- I was raped only about 2 weeks after I had my first time with a guy I was dating.  So the rape was my 2nd experience. From then on my sexual experiences have always been about power, lust, and anger. I have never “made love”.

I have been desperately trying with the man that I married, but there is a wall that just can’t be broken down. I just can’t be vulnerable. I am trying my hardest and last night I was trying to remain “there” with him but I could feel myself slipping away.

The romantic candlelight flashed into the cold dark moonlight. The bed flashed to the restraint he forced on me and I could see his hands unzip his jeans. The loving tender eyes of my husband flashed to the hungry eyes of my rapist. And the closer my husband got to me the more it kept flashing back and forth- husband, rapist, husband, rapist, husband, rapist. Until finally- I couldn’t take anymore. I broke down in a hard sob and a panic. That is the first time that has ever happened.

I can’t explain it. Sitting here in my bed, safe and sound, I feel so numb and indifferent. I want to try and sleep again. I want to sleep a peaceful sleep. My words have run out.What if that happens again? How can I overcome this? It’s starting to not just happen in my dreams but now my waking reality. I wish I could catch my breath.

The Calendar

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Imagine waking up every morning as a child and having to do things not just promptly with “joy” in your heart but someone else’s “perfect”. And then when it is not completed to the measure of their “prompt” or “perfect” you wouldn’t be able to go to school, eat a meal or worse you- you wouldn’t have the love and affection or approval from that person. You would be completely ignored, despised, looked down on and felt like a waste of space.

The icing on the cake would be is that you wouldn’t know if you “failed or achieved” that day until she decided when to put it up on the calendar. So don’t you dare make her mad on Wednesday or she will decide Monday is getting an X. Don’t you dare challenge her because she is always right. And finally, don’t you dare get three Xs in a row.

Everyday I would look at the calendar and just pray I wouldn’t get an X. I felt so horrible. I was a child! A child in need of love, affection, support and care.

So now imagine that child growing up and even though the child no longer lives with the abuser- the connection has already been made. Be perfect to get love. It wasn’t until just this past couple years I realized why my anxiety for disorder was in place. I felt everything had it’s home and if it wasn’t put in the home or if I didn’t get a lot done in that day I would have an X on my calendar, mentally.

When I am in her presence now as a young woman I still feel like a wounded 10 year old just waiting for mommy to love me and most importantly to want me.