Cornered

It has been a couple days since my last post and I have calmed down. I wouldn’t say it is because I know how to calm myself down or that I dealt with the emotions… but that just enough time has passed for me to be able to stuff it down inside again.

Yesterday at work after we closed, we do a walk through of the store to make sure everyone is out and that is looks nice for the next day. There is a section in the back room where there are rows and rows of stock that lead to a dead end. As I was walking down this section alone, I realized that I started to have an anxiety attack. The one thing I hate more then anything is not only having the sense of fear or panic, but in public where I have to try and hide it.dead-end-street

I kept walking down and noticed that the walls were concrete so if I needed to escape this dead end I couldn’t. I was trapped. Once this thought entered my mind I decided I will never walk all the way down to the end again. I will never go down that aisle and be trapped with no escape. As I kept walking my anxiety and panic were at its’ peak when I was at the end of aisle. When I was walking away from the dead end my anxiety lessened.

I have come to the conclusion, that should of be so obvious to me before, but I hate being cornered. My sexual molestation when I was six happened because I physically put into a corner. My rape happened when I was “cornered” into a car without escape. Just even thinking about that dead end corner makes my chest tighten.

I apologize but this is where this entry has to stop. I cannot write any further due to my anxiety right now. I wish and hope one day I will be strong enough to speak more.

concrete_corner

2 thoughts on “Cornered

  1. No apology needed. You are strong in that you started writing about it. Little steps each one will become less of a struggle over time until you are ready to put them behind you.

    • Aw well thank you. 🙂 That was sweet of you to say. I do like the fact that I am getting to recognize what is causing my anxiety and why I want to avoid certain places. I am so ready to put things behind me. I want to live life and be excited, without chains.

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