It has been a couple days since my last post and I have calmed down. I wouldn’t say it is because I know how to calm myself down or that I dealt with the emotions… but that just enough time has passed for me to be able to stuff it down inside again.
Yesterday at work after we closed, we do a walk through of the store to make sure everyone is out and that is looks nice for the next day. There is a section in the back room where there are rows and rows of stock that lead to a dead end. As I was walking down this section alone, I realized that I started to have an anxiety attack. The one thing I hate more then anything is not only having the sense of fear or panic, but in public where I have to try and hide it.
I kept walking down and noticed that the walls were concrete so if I needed to escape this dead end I couldn’t. I was trapped. Once this thought entered my mind I decided I will never walk all the way down to the end again. I will never go down that aisle and be trapped with no escape. As I kept walking my anxiety and panic were at its’ peak when I was at the end of aisle. When I was walking away from the dead end my anxiety lessened.
I have come to the conclusion, that should of be so obvious to me before, but I hate being cornered. My sexual molestation when I was six happened because I physically put into a corner. My rape happened when I was “cornered” into a car without escape. Just even thinking about that dead end corner makes my chest tighten.
I apologize but this is where this entry has to stop. I cannot write any further due to my anxiety right now. I wish and hope one day I will be strong enough to speak more.