“Declined” a Trigger Word of Mine

Sorry I haven’t written in awhile. Lots of changes have been happening. I got promoted and have been so super busy. I wanted to talk about another trigger word that I have come across.

My husband and I were applying for a card to build some credit. I have never had credit before so getting a credit card could be a task. I maybe declined or not approved.

Anyways, sitting in the chair hearing the man say, “You maybe declined” or “You maybe not approved”, made me feel so trashy. He didn’t say it in any mean tone or with an additional meaning. He was just explaining what might happen and why. He doesn’t know me personally.

But just to think that I am not “approved” was devastating. Why wouldn’t the credit card company want me? Am I not good enough? Smart enough? Why wouldn’t I be approved?

I was sitting there just thinking of all these things. I realized just how much those two phrases really hurts my self esteem. I get depressed and sad just thinking about it now. Why am I not good enough? Why do I feel not good enough?

The same thing happens when I see a bigger woman than myself wearing tighter clothes. She looks nice, the clothes flatter her body shape and I think she looks perfectly fine and pretty. But if I wear something remotely the same or tight- I feel like a tub of fat ugly lard that no one should look at.

Just the other day I got my picture taken. I stood up straight, smiled and felt confident. I looked at the picture and all I saw was how small my head was compared to my large chest, my fat arms, and not so flat midsection. I felt like Beetlejuice when his head was shrunk.

I want to work out to become skinnier and I feel like that will truly help all my problems. My chest will go from a DD to a B/C, my muffin top will go away and I will finally have abs. I will finally feel good enough, worthy enough to enjoy life. But at the same time I am so torn- I want to love myself for who I am and where I am.

The Locked Door

How exactly am I supposed to build a relationship with someone when the door is locked? I am not allowed in for whatever reason. I have tried being perfect, being honest, being humble, being apologetic, being “more christian”, being “agreeable”- everything! Nothing works. I want to be apart of their lives.

I do have one blessing though, when I call my sisters’ on their birthdays- I have been able to talk to them. Granted that is the most I converse with them. Probably the only time throughout the years- is on their birthdays. A 5-20 minute conversation is all I get.

But within those minutes- I eat it up. When I get them to laugh even once during that time makes me feel like I am not failing miserably. I get to know them a little but not much. It’s mostly generic small talk but their voices are like angels to me.

You would probably think these are my own babies but I do not have any yet. But I can see how when you do have your own and just listening to their voice melts all your worries away. They are still so sweet, young, innocent and impressionable. My worst fear is when they are older, making choices on their own, will they want me? Will they know me? Will they love me? Will they want a relationship with me? Or will they be so prepared to be against me? Will they hate me? Will they think I forsake them? Will they grow up too fast and not do what they really want to do in life? Will they be her little robots and still continue to do what mommy wants? I am afraid.

I am not here to break their mommy and daddy relationship because their lives have been different than my childhood. I don’t know all the details because I don’t live there anymore, I can’t speak to my sisters alone or for any length of time and plus I am not welcomed. I just want a relationship with each of them.

They have been molded already to be different. They all act the same. Stand there quietly, reserved, polished, polite, shallow like a pond. Probably in fear of stepping outside the boundary box and not sticking to her side, literally. At get togethers- they stand there all in a row and look to her for everything. Whether they can eat, sit, talk with someone, go somewhere. Forget about them coming and sitting with me- they don’t. They are like little statues.

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But in the inside are they screaming to get out? Are they as I was just wishing a family member cared? Do they feel like something is missing? Do they feel like it’s all fake, or a show or a put on? I know I caught on early but I had a normal house with dad. So when I would visit him- I knew the other house was weird and not normal. They do not have that, which I am thankful for. I don’t want anyone of my sisters to know how weird it is. I would rather them be clueless, instead of ashamed.

Since when is it the primary goal in life to want to get married and have 1231 kids?! I mean props to you if you wish that but to force feed it to children to be the same goal. Get married to a christian man, have lots of babies, homeschool them and be a wonderful wife for your husband- the end.

I am sorry but what about college? What about finding out what they want to do in life? What are their passions and talents that come naturally? What about music that isn’t calculated? Dancing that isn’t planned? Animals that isn’t a reward? There is so much more to life- I want them to have a chance to be their own person. Not what my m. thinks they will be best at.

Shoot YOU DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING M.! YOU HAVE NO IDEA IN THE WORLD WHAT SOMEONE WANTS IN LIFE. I AM SO EXHAUSTED FROM THE FAKE-NESS YOU FORCE FEED. LET SOMEONE CHOOSE TO BE CHRISTIAN BECAUSE THEY SEE THE LOVE DEMONSTRATED FROM YOU NOT BECAUSE THEY WANT YOUR APPROVAL. LET SOMEONE CHOOSE TO BE A WIFE AND MOTHER WHEN SHE FINDS THE MAN THAT COMPLETES HER. LET SOMEONE WEAR NORMAL CLOTHES IF THEY WISH- NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO LOOK LIKE PIONEER DAYS. LET THEM CHOOSE IF THEY WANT TO MEMORIZE THE WHOLE BIBLE- NOT JUST BECAUSE YOU GET AN AWARD. LET THEM GO TO PUBLIC SCHOOL, JOIN SPORTS, WEAR JEANS, GET DIRTY, SPEND THE NIGHT WITH ME, BURP, GET MESSY. LET THEM FIND OUT WHAT THEY WANT TO DO AND BE IN LIFE. LET MY SISTERS GO! (like when Moses said to Pharaoh- “Let my people go”.. ha)

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Whew. I feel better. Well somewhat. I still didn’t exactly say it to her but I was at least able to put it into words. It breaks my heart when I see them standing there as I once did. I was zapped for life. I didn’t know what living was and I was only a child. I was told what to do, when to do it, for how long and to do it with “joy in my heart”. Puh-lease! Make me vomit.

Anyways- moving on from that rant. lol. This in no way is geared towards my sisters. I would not if I hung out with them would do this. I just want to love them. I want to encourage them to be who they want to be. My m. said I am not allowed to be alone with them because I might hurt them. What?! The example she gave is me when I got snippy with a sister of mine. Well quite honestly she deserved it. Not everyone gets along all the time. Especially when they are like little versions of the bigger monster that are as judgmental and condescending as her. Plus she didn’t even tell me. That is a bigger problem right there- communication. You need to be able to communicate your feelings and work through them especially if someone hurts you. I had no idea in the world it hurt her so much. So what did she do? She ran and told m.

That has happened with other family members too. If there is ever a time where one of the sisters “feels hurt”. That family member is not allowed to see them again unsupervised. Including the grandparents! Are you kidding me? Maybe if you gave my sweet sisters the confidence to speak up and to not be scared of everything they wouldn’t be so easily hurt.

Seriously! The event we are talking about is pathetic. My youngest was asked a question and she didn’t answer. A bike was got out for her and asked if she wanted to ride. Well, with m. not there she doesn’t know how to make decisions on her own. The time was limit so the family member asked her again. And the little sister was hurt by this. She felt pressured and yelled at- which wasn’t true. She just literally can’t make a decision if m. is not there. She will go into panic mode. THE SAME THING I DID WHEN I WAS HER AGE! “Would m. approve? Will I get in trouble? What will she say?” those would be swimming in my head to the point where I would freeze up.

I will never physically harm or purposely mental abuse my sisters. But if they are being a brat- I will tell them. I do not know what single sister or brother dynamic where they get along perfect the whole entire time they are alive. Maybe in m.’s perfect life. If you are not allowed to hash out feelings or experience a range of emotions- how in the world are you going to be able to handle it? OH you AREN’T! Geez- I swear some of the time, well most of the time, I feel like I am raising my m. It’s not a good feeling.

So the end question- how can I love and be there for my sisters when the door is locked? I love them so dearly but they never ever see my love for them. My true, unconditional love for them. I am just a “holiday visiter” to them if I can even make it there. I used to try and go over there more often but the door is seriously locked, the gate too.

If she doesn’t want you in- she will not come to the door, she will not answer the phone and she will not call you back. She will however hold it against you and “prove” that this is why she doesn’t approve. She needs an advance notice of when you are coming, for how long and she will “have to check her schedule”. She is a stay at home mom and my sisters are home schooled for crying out loud! What do you possibly have to check? School isn’t in session all day.

But now, my current situation, no returned calls, no emails, no invites, no nothing. Sure I can surprise her and stop by but she literally will not answer the door or her phone. Why you may ask? I have no idea. She holds grudges like no other and she also makes up most of them.

 

 

How am I able to love the little children that live behind the locked door?

 

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