A House Divided

Since my last post- I have had mixed emotions about how I am feeling. I will go from empowerment, mourning to feeling completely cut off. It seems like the family always sides with the Abuser then the Victim. I don’t understand why that is.

I mean my story has stayed the same and it has been years of this conflict- why wouldn’t someone in the family believe me? I have the support of my friends and other family members that are not apart of that side but I still feel alone. I guess deep down I was really hoping someone from that side would finally believe me and support me.

Granted I did disown her publicly and that might not of been the best choice but at that moment I didn’t really care. I have a voice and there is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to speak. It is not fair that in this world if you have something to say you can only say it if people want to hear it. If they don’t or if people don’t agree with you it automatically means you are either wrong, stupid or shouldn’t speak up at all.

I couldn’t imagine being a spokesperson about child abuse, bullying, abuse or anything else without having the support from the family that is involved. I am strong enough to handle the no support from the immediately family it is just a huge disappointment. It’s like you are hoping someone makes the right choice and they don’t. There is nothing I can do about it- I was just hoping for more.

Plus it doesn’t help my m. is a sociopath, narcissist and a very good actress. From what I know about my life and about her is that the monster comes out only around me. Anyone else that starts to question her, she just cuts them out of her life.

I am very proud of myself for being strong enough to NOT regret or feel guilty about my declaration against her. I am very proud of myself for understanding a very important detail- Most families will side with the Abuser because they either can’t see it, don’t believe it or don’t want to acknowledge it. It is so much easier to walk away, deny and bury their head in the sand. Honestly- it feels like a personal attack and sometimes they do personally attack me but for the most part it is nothing personal. They cannot deal with it.

If you have someone like I have in my life like my m. she is very good at what she does. She goes to sick, the helpless, the older people with fixed meals, she fixes up churches, helps out- the “true christian”. She knows and teaches the Bible like the back of her hand, she is charming, she seems so sweet but it’s all an act.

If it wasn’t for my dad, his family, my husband and his, I would think I was crazy. It really is like everything that happens or things she does to me is denied and never happened. It makes you go a little loopy, specially when she is a master manipulator.

Switching to good news… I am going to get my first tattoo soon. I have been debating on what I want. Elaborate or small and chic? I think I might go small and chic. I want it to say something about freedom or being free. I like the idea of something like “I’m finally free” and then maybe something on the other foot “because of my courage”.

The Changed Dream

I nudged my husband as I woke up in an internal panic. I just had another rape dream. The fear feels so real- that scares me more than anything else. Here I am up at 4am- (the time is always wrong when my posts are published) blogging about it to hopefully “deal” with it effectively. I want to let myself experience it instead of blocking it out.

This dream was different from all the others. I have never had deception. When I do have dreams about rape they are very violent and already in the process of happening when my dreaming begins. I am forced to do things and endure things and the situation, people, setting and abuse always changes.

In this dream I was outside & behind of the building where I go for counseling. There was a TV on at the edge of the sidewalk, it was displaying some movie (kinda like Wal-Mart TVs in the Entertainment Department). When I started to watch it no one was around or parked near me. I remember smiling at the TV and enjoying myself. I can’t remember what was on that I liked so much. After a couple minutes of watching the TV, something had caught my eye.

The way the back of the building is setup in my dream is that a sidewalk wraps all the way around the building. There is also a wrap around parking lot that is fenced in by concrete on both sides. Behind the building and past the parking lot there is an exit road that will lead into a neighborhood. The building is in the middle of downtown. The only way cars can park is along each side of the building facing away from the sidewalk near the concrete walls. There wasn’t any car parked directly behind the building because it was an open lot leading to dumpsters, other houses and the exit road.

I noticed to my left that there was a maroon Chevy Silverado (1994 model) parked beside the side walk on the other side. It was the only car parked on that side of the building and in that manner. It was very odd. I walk along the sidewalk and notice a young man talking with a woman. She was now walking away from him and up towards the front of the building out of sight. I didn’t get to see her face or hear what they were talking about. I stopped at the corner of the sidewalk about 12-15 feet away from him when he noticed me.

He turned to look at me. His hair was thick, black and combed back. He was dressed well, blue jeans and a tan/brown jacket. His glasses were a bit bigger then his face. The young man’s demeanor was unconfident. He nervously fidgeted as soon as he looked at me. It was almost as if females noticing him made him uncomfortable. He behaved and spoke in a way that would be classified as “nerdy”.

I offered him some friendly advice and told him he couldn’t park his truck like that- along the sidewalk. His truck was dusty but I couldn’t see inside it. After I politely informed him of his parking, he started walking towards me. His voice was shaky, nervous and a bit “high” all in which did not seem threatening. He wasn’t that close to me when he told me why he was parked like that.

“You see,” he began to explain. “I like to come back here from time to time to make sure everything is okay. I was just helping my aunt out.” I nodded my head, believing his “Good Samaritan” behavior. His shoulders were slumped and his smile was awkward and gaudy. He stopped walking because I was now walking away from him towards the exit road. I smiled at him but regretted getting attention from this awkward guy. I don’t know exactly why at this point- I honestly thought in my dream he was that guy that wouldn’t get the picture that you weren’t “into him”. Kinda like Steve with Laura Winslow on the show Family Matters.

I continued walking slowly away from him when I heard him say one last thing. “You know there was been a lot of crime on women here.” I stopped and looked at him. My eyes met his and my chest got tight again. The pause seemed like minutes. He un-slumped his shoulders showing off his muscular build and his eyes went from harmless to predator. I looked him in the eyes and then my eyes went to his pants. I knew in that moment he wasn’t a “Good Samaritan”- he wanted to rape me and he was going to get me.

He knew that I knew that’s what he wanted. I nervously smiled at him and began to walk faster. He did as well. I tucked my hair behind my ears and started to jog. He jogged too. Then I knew I for sure he wanted me. His pace quickened again. It became an all out sprint as he came for me faster and faster. My heart raced, my legs moved, my mind panicked. He was going to force himself on me once he caught me. I could feel his hands already on me as I ran.

 

I woke up. When I woke up I had fear in my mind but intense pleasure vibrations in my body. That doesn’t make any sense to me to be mentally terrified but yet physically yearning? As a laid there half asleep- all different kinds of scenarios went rushing through my head. They were of him catching me, ripping my clothes off, stabbing me, beating me and forcing me. I remember his small tattoo on the inside of his groin. I imagined being left for dead.

The most interesting part was what happened next. All the abuse was in flashes, my awake mind was making up the possibilities. But in the midst of all the trauma it was all completely wiped from my mind. I was back into my dream. I was running away from him- where I had been left before the flashes started. I was running fast but he was closing the distance on me. I just needed to run to the exit road and down to the neighborhood.

I finally got there and instead of him grabbing me at the road- he was grabbed. He was rushed in by multiple police and hand cuffed. I have never ever been able to alter a dream but in this one  I did. I took the power back. I was in control. After he was cuffed the police thanked me for my work and that they had been working to catch this guy after multiple women came forward explaining who their rapist was and how he deceived them. I was happy to help and I smiled as I saw the guy get taken away in the cop car.

*                       *                        *

When I nudged my husband- I wanted to feel safe. He put his arms around me and that helped. The actual thought of physical abuse and violence didn’t bother me. What traumatized me was the deception. Even though it was all a dream/nightmare- I will never forget the eyes that went from harmless to predator in an instant. The deception is what paralyzes me.

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