Not Always So Nice

I have a horrible habit of not always being so nice. Cranky is UGLY on me. Sometimes it is what happens at work and I take it home or vice versa. I wish I could always have a positive attitude. I wish I didn’t always feel like I have to defend myself.

I really want to work on it and be more easy going. I really do. If I could just let things roll off my shoulder- it would be so much better. I can’t stand it when people don’t do their job and I have to pick up the slack. I hate sometimes living with my in-laws because of no privacy and daily interruptions. I hate waiting to see if my husband will be accepted to a master’s program. We have been waiting 4 years now.

We have talked about it and I know if he does get accepted our life will be blessed. I get that. But I am getting so tired of living with someone else, always waiting and not moving forward. I really really hope he gets accepted for next year because at the soonest that’s still 3 more years of waiting. I will be in my 30s by the time that finish date comes around IF it even is that he is accepted this year.

That will be 7-8 years we will be married and 6-7 of those we will have been living with someone, waiting. Which we have saved a lot of money. I had to undergo surgery last year- that is now paid off. And this year I got a much needed newer car which is also paid off. So we have already been blessed. He has a wonderful good paying job and I am trying to work my up the ladder at my workplace.

I know God has a plan for us. But I am so aggravated and that comes out other places I suppose. I am so tired of being woken up by squeaks and walking our bedroom ceiling (we live in the basement underneath the kitchen). I am so tired sometimes of just having to make conversation in the morning when sometimes I want to be left alone. We have been here 2 years already.

I try to remember all the blessings. But my husband and I got married quick because it was seemed like he was going to move to a different state and go to school that following spring or fall. And it was made out to me that he couldn’t have any “distractions” while in school. I loved him and I didn’t want to do long distance so we got married right before he graduated on Christmas break.

We agree now that we were a little too young but not that we shouldn’t of gotten married. I sound so very selfish but what kind of life is it to put your spouse through years of waiting? I will have wasted my whole entire 20s waiting on him to be able to go to school and then get through the 2 or 3 year program, find a job and then start our life. What about kids? I don’t want to pop them out like bang bang bang. We haven’t even had a honeymoon because we couldn’t afford it.

Like I said I know God has a plan for us and I am trying to trust him but I am failing miserably. I would of loved for him to have already been going to school and OUT this year. I really don’t want to think like I have been thinking because it’s not all about me. And my hubby has been waiting just as long, just as disappointed if not more that he is still not getting interviews to the schools he is applying to.

He did hear from a school this year, he made it past round 1 but there are 2 more rounds before they even consider to accept him. His school credits are going to expire within the next couple years, we don’t have too much time left. We have a plan B and it is a good one but he wants to wait until he can no longer apply to master’s school before he starts plan B. And plan B is still another 2 years of schooling just a different route.

I am about to rip all my hair out just talking about it! I would go to school but I didn’t finish college so I would have about 4 years to do and I don’t want to spend that much time to get a degree and then have babies, be on maternity leave so frequently, and then quit to stay at home to raise them. It doesn’t make sense. I looked at even 2 year degrees and I can’t. Not until we know if he is accepted or not because we might have to move to a different state.

I am so defeated. I am not a patient person anyways. Our life has been hanging into balance for years and I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I just see more years go by, wasted.

The Switch

Switch-from-Lancet

 

In the beginning of my life I can recall happy memories and a normal life, somewhat. I remember being taken to the tanning salon (to go with her, not to tan myself), going to movies, eating candy and getting ice cream. I remember how fun it was, how she wore makeup and jeans. I remember how proud I was to have her be my m.

It was just me and her until I was around 7 or 8. Granted she worked crazy hours and would sleep all the time. I would feel neglected and had to spend most of my time over at someone else’s house, alone and outside. I remember having to get food for myself when I was with her and learning to not bother or disturb my m. very early on. But we did normal things and were as “normal” as we could be.

Plus I would have my dad and step mom visits and stays every other weekend. That was really fun. To be honest I can’t remember most of my childhood except  the bad memories. Even with those I can only remember a select few. I am only in my 20s, is that normal for someone my age to not remember their life before they were 14?

Anyways- my m. always had the attitude, the temper, the inside pain but at least on the outside she was passing off as normal. And I did feel somewhat wanted by her at times. My s.d. came into the picture and they were married when I was 8. I was excited for them.

The first year was fine. I would get presents that I wanted, spend time with them and we even went to a drive-in movie theatre (I miss those). But things started to change slowly and quickly. More outbursts and ugliness was shown. My s.d actually tried to stand up for me one time when she was just yelling at me for something, I can’t remember what.

She ran upstairs, bawled her eyes out and he never ever stepped in for me again. I gained a lot of respect with him that day because he saw what it was like for me. Now a days he is deluded from her control. Things really changed when I had my dog attack that I talk about in The Tree’s Secret, that happened when I was 10.

I would not be able to pick out my own clothes for school. I would have to wear old clothes, out of style clothes. I was bullied at school in 6th grade but I would of rather taken the bullying then to stay home with her. I believe it was either 5 or 6th grade that is when the running began and also the Xs on the calendar, which is talked about in my blog, The Calendar. I will touch more on the running in a later blog.

I remember after that first Christmas they had as a couple was the best. After that my presents got less and less. I am not materialistic but it was very hurtful. It went from things I wanted to things I needed. For example, I would get soap, shampoo, conditioner in presents that I needed and that would be it. I would get them in Easter Baskets, Christmas’, Birthdays- it was strange.

I would never really spend anytime with her at all. I would be locked outside the house from school all the time and for so long I would wet myself because I couldn’t hold it. Then I would get in a lot of trouble for it. I can’t really remember when it all switched for the worse because it happened so slowly. When my 1st sister was born I was 10 and it slowly started happening then. During this time the Bible wasn’t shoved down my throat and I don’t think she wore dresses all the time. The abuse was still there.

In 6th grade, something happened, I do not know what but something prompted me to speak to a counselor at the school. I can’t recall what I said but I do remember her going back on her promise. She said it would be just between me and her. Well, now being older I know she was probably legally bound to call Child Protective Services.

I felt so ashamed for drawing this attention, I was punished for it and no sign was ever found. I felt like the girl in The Glass House (movie). Things were faked to look like a good home. After that school year, I was given a choice. I either go to a Christian Private School or stay home with her to be home schooled. Up until that time- I had gone to 3 different schools in her custody and this would be the 4th switch.

I of course went to the Christian School instead of being home schooled. I couldn’t honestly imagine being home schooled by her. There would be no escape for me. School was an escape from her. She did have to drive me to school everyday though because it wasn’t nearby. The car rides were horrible, I talk about that in my blog Alphabet Soup- where I had to recite tons of memory verses for no reason than just to please her.

I remember her coming to me one day and saying she is no longer going to have angry outbursts at me. And that is when the fake-ness and no communication took place. It felt like she was the victim each and every time we would have a “discussion”. She also started to take more naps. She didn’t have a job but she was always so exhausted.

The big switch was when my journal was found. The whole entire time I lived with my m. She despised and hated my dad. I wasn’t allowed to talk about him and she would boast about how he was such a horrible father and that he will never get custody of me.

I took matters into my own hands and started keeping a private record of things that were done to me and how I felt about them. To one day take them to court to prove to the them how life was with her. A couple months into summer, right after my 14th birthday (when the custody battle was going to take place) my little toddler sister found the journal and gave it to her daddy. She thought my daddy and her daddy were the same. Actually for a long time everyone didn’t know I had a different last name or a different dad. I was always called by a different last name.

Anyways, they got their hands on it. After the years and years of saying how he will never get me- they gave me to him. Their reasoning was because I had already emotionally left them. What? That makes me laugh because she just didn’t want to be found out for what happens behind closed doors. And she had caught me several times through out my younger years of packing a bag to run away.

That is when the big switch took place. I moved homes. But that last year there was the worse- gradually the spiritual, physical and emotional neglect was at an all time high. Then once I left, the fake, perfect, happy homeschool, Christian life began. I was angry throughout my whole time living with them. I didn’t understand all the changes, moving and the fakery that was happening. I just wanted my old m. back. I felt like I was mourning the loss of a mother and it still feels like I am. Just because my dad got custody of me, my mom had visitation rights and I hated it. It was like something out of a movie. It didn’t and still doesn’t make any sense. How can someone be happy living like that? Everything is planned and calculated. There are more stories to come that will elaborate on this subject.

I just do not understand the crazy lady switch. From anger to silence and everything is perfect. She says, ” Look at me and my wonderful 3 daughters.”  Now a days she forgets to tell people she has a 4th, which is me.

D Y S L E X I A * D S Y L E X I A

I have never been diagnosed with dyslexia but I do know I have it. I don’t know if it’s from the lack of nurturing from my m. or also because it’s in my family. I would say a little bit of both. I also have a stammer or stutter whatever you want to call it. Not as bad as it was but it comes out in stressful/confrontational situations. I am very quick minded but not quick with my speech. Also sorry for any missing words in my blogs. My mind works so fast in what I want to say that my fingers cannot keep up and a lot of the times I miss out on words like  a, the, and, it’s, to, etc.

Let me tell you a little bit about my “lack of nurturing” from my m. This story whenever I tell it or think about it makes me want to cry. You know how your body reacts when someone offends you or treats you like you’re stupid. That is exactly how I felt everyday when I lived with her. Not only did I have to watch what I said but how much I would “bother” her.

She would close up the doors and have to take several naps throughout the day just to function. I doubt she was on any pills but she’d be out like a light. And never ever in a good mood. I was walking on egg shells everyday around her. She wasn’t someone you could be a noisy, regular, messy child around. You had to sit, play quietly and not be messy. When it was nice outside I would be locked out of the house sometimes until she decided to let me in. I was an only child at this point of my life and no friends allowed to come over either.

That part of my life doesn’t bother me. What bothered me most is when I would need help with something. If I had a question on spelling or needed know something she would say, “Well go look it up.” “Go figure it out.” In the meanest tone ever. It made me come to tears every single time. I could of asked her in the nicest way possible- it wouldn’t of made a difference. She would always SIGH the most dramatic sigh ever as if to imply I was imposing on her and her time. She would also roll her eyes at me. My heart would break because I felt so unwanted and stupid for not knowing. My eyes would well up with tears. My ears would ring and my cheeks would flush with embarrassment.

My dyslexia was worse when I was stressed and also my stammer. My brain just couldn’t find the words or if it did they would come out in jumbled mess or backwards. I felt like such an idiot- so I rarely spoke when stressed. I felt like the dumbest kid on earth. I still have trouble telling time on analog watch. I know what the numbers mean but numbers are so hard for me. Words move across the pages. I see them backwards at times. Especially when reading I could read the same line over and over and not know it. Or read a chapter in the book and not recall what I read or what the story was about.

Numbers are worse for me than words. Phone numbers, dates, addresses, math problems, money, time- I get it all switched around in my head. I can’t tell right from left barely. I always have to stop and think about it. Now  if that isn’t explained to a child, that child feels like the stupidest person alive. Words are so powerful. Everyone has their word  they believe about themselves at times when they are really down. Like loser, lazy, ugly, stupid, fat- everyone does. And that word at your lowest day creeps into your mind and you think about it over and over. Maybe not, maybe it’s just me but I do know when people are upset, down on themselves or feel like they’ve failed at something they say that one word that hits a nerve.

I am not saying my m. worsened my dyslexia but she did cause my stutter, stammer. I had developed that stammer all because of her lack of nurturing. I was never applauded or loved for accomplishments. I barely accomplished anything because it was never what I wanted to do. She cut me off, made me feel stupid and over time those nerves had an affect on me.

The one phrase she always says that still makes my heart jump when anyone says it is “Excuse me?” I think that is the rudest thing to say. Maybe not to you but I hate that phrase. She would always say that in some condescending tone when I said something she didn’t like, agree with or if she just didn’t want to answer me. She didn’t say it nicely but rather EXXX CUUUUSE ME? If that helps. lol. Another thing she did was sometimes she wouldn’t answer me at all. It was like I wasn’t even there.

As I grew up if I asked for help or a question and people ignored me- I would go into shut down mode immediately. I would think that they hated me, I was a waste of space and that I should just leave. When in reality, I have such a soft voice no one could hear me. I think I have a natural soft voice when asking a question is because I had to with my m. to avoid confrontation. Now I am getting better but if someone intimidates me for whatever reason I will use that same approach. Like a dog belly up to show submission.

Another thing I just realized as well is that each woman in my life (that sounds weird). Each woman that I know that is older than me- I treat like my mother. I see my mother. Not because they have the same qualities because they don’t. But because that is how warped my mind is. I want approval. I want attention, I want to be perfect, smart, impressive and I guess deep down prove to them I am worth the space.

I have to say to myself sometimes, “she is not my mother” to get my mind right. I guess that is also why I am so sensitive to women feedback and their judgements about me. Maybe if I get other women’s approval my m. will realize I am not that bad of a person. Maybe.

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As a side note- these blogs are helping me realize just how much my m. has affected me in my life. I hope to break the chains that hold me. I want to be free and finally be the person I want to be without having to fear “what will she think”.

Thank you all for the likes, the follows and the comments- it means a lot to me. In these blogs I am baring my soul for the first time ever and am very nervous to do so. The support from you helps encourage me that not all people think I am waste or crazy. 🙂