Not Always So Nice Part 2

Yesterday was just a horrible mental day for me. These past couple weeks have been. I drove into work, pulled into the parking lot and I had had enough. I was so drained, cranky, worried and selfish I couldn’t take it anymore.

I bowed my head and prayed. I prayed for God to forgive me for my horrible attitude and to just take all my worries away. It worked. I still have them but they aren’t so dominate in my life. I know He has a plan and we have been taken care of so far- my hub and I will work on whatever together.

I never want to leave him. I love him. But I guess when you feel frustrated in life and stuck, the “what ifs” and “life isn’t fair” thoughts start creeping into your mind.

That is really the first time I have sincerely prayed every since my struggles with Sunday. I have begun listening to a Christian Radio Station again and that is just reminding me so much of God’s love. It is also reminding me of just how important I am to Him. I surrender to him because I don’t want to worry about it. I surrender it to Him because he will take better care of me than anyone else, including myself.

I am meeting with my Pastor this week to talk about my struggles and to get some advice about my Sunday Triggers.

Not Always So Nice

I have a horrible habit of not always being so nice. Cranky is UGLY on me. Sometimes it is what happens at work and I take it home or vice versa. I wish I could always have a positive attitude. I wish I didn’t always feel like I have to defend myself.

I really want to work on it and be more easy going. I really do. If I could just let things roll off my shoulder- it would be so much better. I can’t stand it when people don’t do their job and I have to pick up the slack. I hate sometimes living with my in-laws because of no privacy and daily interruptions. I hate waiting to see if my husband will be accepted to a master’s program. We have been waiting 4 years now.

We have talked about it and I know if he does get accepted our life will be blessed. I get that. But I am getting so tired of living with someone else, always waiting and not moving forward. I really really hope he gets accepted for next year because at the soonest that’s still 3 more years of waiting. I will be in my 30s by the time that finish date comes around IF it even is that he is accepted this year.

That will be 7-8 years we will be married and 6-7 of those we will have been living with someone, waiting. Which we have saved a lot of money. I had to undergo surgery last year- that is now paid off. And this year I got a much needed newer car which is also paid off. So we have already been blessed. He has a wonderful good paying job and I am trying to work my up the ladder at my workplace.

I know God has a plan for us. But I am so aggravated and that comes out other places I suppose. I am so tired of being woken up by squeaks and walking our bedroom ceiling (we live in the basement underneath the kitchen). I am so tired sometimes of just having to make conversation in the morning when sometimes I want to be left alone. We have been here 2 years already.

I try to remember all the blessings. But my husband and I got married quick because it was seemed like he was going to move to a different state and go to school that following spring or fall. And it was made out to me that he couldn’t have any “distractions” while in school. I loved him and I didn’t want to do long distance so we got married right before he graduated on Christmas break.

We agree now that we were a little too young but not that we shouldn’t of gotten married. I sound so very selfish but what kind of life is it to put your spouse through years of waiting? I will have wasted my whole entire 20s waiting on him to be able to go to school and then get through the 2 or 3 year program, find a job and then start our life. What about kids? I don’t want to pop them out like bang bang bang. We haven’t even had a honeymoon because we couldn’t afford it.

Like I said I know God has a plan for us and I am trying to trust him but I am failing miserably. I would of loved for him to have already been going to school and OUT this year. I really don’t want to think like I have been thinking because it’s not all about me. And my hubby has been waiting just as long, just as disappointed if not more that he is still not getting interviews to the schools he is applying to.

He did hear from a school this year, he made it past round 1 but there are 2 more rounds before they even consider to accept him. His school credits are going to expire within the next couple years, we don’t have too much time left. We have a plan B and it is a good one but he wants to wait until he can no longer apply to master’s school before he starts plan B. And plan B is still another 2 years of schooling just a different route.

I am about to rip all my hair out just talking about it! I would go to school but I didn’t finish college so I would have about 4 years to do and I don’t want to spend that much time to get a degree and then have babies, be on maternity leave so frequently, and then quit to stay at home to raise them. It doesn’t make sense. I looked at even 2 year degrees and I can’t. Not until we know if he is accepted or not because we might have to move to a different state.

I am so defeated. I am not a patient person anyways. Our life has been hanging into balance for years and I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I just see more years go by, wasted.