The Calendar

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Imagine waking up every morning as a child and having to do things not just promptly with “joy” in your heart but someone else’s “perfect”. And then when it is not completed to the measure of their “prompt” or “perfect” you wouldn’t be able to go to school, eat a meal or worse you- you wouldn’t have the love and affection or approval from that person. You would be completely ignored, despised, looked down on and felt like a waste of space.

The icing on the cake would be is that you wouldn’t know if you “failed or achieved” that day until she decided when to put it up on the calendar. So don’t you dare make her mad on Wednesday or she will decide Monday is getting an X. Don’t you dare challenge her because she is always right. And finally, don’t you dare get three Xs in a row.

Everyday I would look at the calendar and just pray I wouldn’t get an X. I felt so horrible. I was a child! A child in need of love, affection, support and care.

So now imagine that child growing up and even though the child no longer lives with the abuser- the connection has already been made. Be perfect to get love. It wasn’t until just this past couple years I realized why my anxiety for disorder was in place. I felt everything had it’s home and if it wasn’t put in the home or if I didn’t get a lot done in that day I would have an X on my calendar, mentally.

When I am in her presence now as a young woman I still feel like a wounded 10 year old just waiting for mommy to love me and most importantly to want me.