The Switch



In the beginning of my life I can recall happy memories and a normal life, somewhat. I remember being taken to the tanning salon (to go with her, not to tan myself), going to movies, eating candy and getting ice cream. I remember how fun it was, how she wore makeup and jeans. I remember how proud I was to have her be my m.

It was just me and her until I was around 7 or 8. Granted she worked crazy hours and would sleep all the time. I would feel neglected and had to spend most of my time over at someone else’s house, alone and outside. I remember having to get food for myself when I was with her and learning to not bother or disturb my m. very early on. But we did normal things and were as “normal” as we could be.

Plus I would have my dad and step mom visits and stays every other weekend. That was really fun. To be honest I can’t remember most of my childhood except  the bad memories. Even with those I can only remember a select few. I am only in my 20s, is that normal for someone my age to not remember their life before they were 14?

Anyways- my m. always had the attitude, the temper, the inside pain but at least on the outside she was passing off as normal. And I did feel somewhat wanted by her at times. My s.d. came into the picture and they were married when I was 8. I was excited for them.

The first year was fine. I would get presents that I wanted, spend time with them and we even went to a drive-in movie theatre (I miss those). But things started to change slowly and quickly. More outbursts and ugliness was shown. My s.d actually tried to stand up for me one time when she was just yelling at me for something, I can’t remember what.

She ran upstairs, bawled her eyes out and he never ever stepped in for me again. I gained a lot of respect with him that day because he saw what it was like for me. Now a days he is deluded from her control. Things really changed when I had my dog attack that I talk about in The Tree’s Secret, that happened when I was 10.

I would not be able to pick out my own clothes for school. I would have to wear old clothes, out of style clothes. I was bullied at school in 6th grade but I would of rather taken the bullying then to stay home with her. I believe it was either 5 or 6th grade that is when the running began and also the Xs on the calendar, which is talked about in my blog, The Calendar. I will touch more on the running in a later blog.

I remember after that first Christmas they had as a couple was the best. After that my presents got less and less. I am not materialistic but it was very hurtful. It went from things I wanted to things I needed. For example, I would get soap, shampoo, conditioner in presents that I needed and that would be it. I would get them in Easter Baskets, Christmas’, Birthdays- it was strange.

I would never really spend anytime with her at all. I would be locked outside the house from school all the time and for so long I would wet myself because I couldn’t hold it. Then I would get in a lot of trouble for it. I can’t really remember when it all switched for the worse because it happened so slowly. When my 1st sister was born I was 10 and it slowly started happening then. During this time the Bible wasn’t shoved down my throat and I don’t think she wore dresses all the time. The abuse was still there.

In 6th grade, something happened, I do not know what but something prompted me to speak to a counselor at the school. I can’t recall what I said but I do remember her going back on her promise. She said it would be just between me and her. Well, now being older I know she was probably legally bound to call Child Protective Services.

I felt so ashamed for drawing this attention, I was punished for it and no sign was ever found. I felt like the girl in The Glass House (movie). Things were faked to look like a good home. After that school year, I was given a choice. I either go to a Christian Private School or stay home with her to be home schooled. Up until that time- I had gone to 3 different schools in her custody and this would be the 4th switch.

I of course went to the Christian School instead of being home schooled. I couldn’t honestly imagine being home schooled by her. There would be no escape for me. School was an escape from her. She did have to drive me to school everyday though because it wasn’t nearby. The car rides were horrible, I talk about that in my blog Alphabet Soup- where I had to recite tons of memory verses for no reason than just to please her.

I remember her coming to me one day and saying she is no longer going to have angry outbursts at me. And that is when the fake-ness and no communication took place. It felt like she was the victim each and every time we would have a “discussion”. She also started to take more naps. She didn’t have a job but she was always so exhausted.

The big switch was when my journal was found. The whole entire time I lived with my m. She despised and hated my dad. I wasn’t allowed to talk about him and she would boast about how he was such a horrible father and that he will never get custody of me.

I took matters into my own hands and started keeping a private record of things that were done to me and how I felt about them. To one day take them to court to prove to the them how life was with her. A couple months into summer, right after my 14th birthday (when the custody battle was going to take place) my little toddler sister found the journal and gave it to her daddy. She thought my daddy and her daddy were the same. Actually for a long time everyone didn’t know I had a different last name or a different dad. I was always called by a different last name.

Anyways, they got their hands on it. After the years and years of saying how he will never get me- they gave me to him. Their reasoning was because I had already emotionally left them. What? That makes me laugh because she just didn’t want to be found out for what happens behind closed doors. And she had caught me several times through out my younger years of packing a bag to run away.

That is when the big switch took place. I moved homes. But that last year there was the worse- gradually the spiritual, physical and emotional neglect was at an all time high. Then once I left, the fake, perfect, happy homeschool, Christian life began. I was angry throughout my whole time living with them. I didn’t understand all the changes, moving and the fakery that was happening. I just wanted my old m. back. I felt like I was mourning the loss of a mother and it still feels like I am. Just because my dad got custody of me, my mom had visitation rights and I hated it. It was like something out of a movie. It didn’t and still doesn’t make any sense. How can someone be happy living like that? Everything is planned and calculated. There are more stories to come that will elaborate on this subject.

I just do not understand the crazy lady switch. From anger to silence and everything is perfect. She says, ” Look at me and my wonderful 3 daughters.”  Now a days she forgets to tell people she has a 4th, which is me.