“Declined” a Trigger Word of Mine

Sorry I haven’t written in awhile. Lots of changes have been happening. I got promoted and have been so super busy. I wanted to talk about another trigger word that I have come across.

My husband and I were applying for a card to build some credit. I have never had credit before so getting a credit card could be a task. I maybe declined or not approved.

Anyways, sitting in the chair hearing the man say, “You maybe declined” or “You maybe not approved”, made me feel so trashy. He didn’t say it in any mean tone or with an additional meaning. He was just explaining what might happen and why. He doesn’t know me personally.

But just to think that I am not “approved” was devastating. Why wouldn’t the credit card company want me? Am I not good enough? Smart enough? Why wouldn’t I be approved?

I was sitting there just thinking of all these things. I realized just how much those two phrases really hurts my self esteem. I get depressed and sad just thinking about it now. Why am I not good enough? Why do I feel not good enough?

The same thing happens when I see a bigger woman than myself wearing tighter clothes. She looks nice, the clothes flatter her body shape and I think she looks perfectly fine and pretty. But if I wear something remotely the same or tight- I feel like a tub of fat ugly lard that no one should look at.

Just the other day I got my picture taken. I stood up straight, smiled and felt confident. I looked at the picture and all I saw was how small my head was compared to my large chest, my fat arms, and not so flat midsection. I felt like Beetlejuice when his head was shrunk.

I want to work out to become skinnier and I feel like that will truly help all my problems. My chest will go from a DD to a B/C, my muffin top will go away and I will finally have abs. I will finally feel good enough, worthy enough to enjoy life. But at the same time I am so torn- I want to love myself for who I am and where I am.

The Hardest Hurt

I have been thinking this morning… After I emailed my ex and talked to him, I realized what one of the hardest hurts in life is. For me personally, it is someone who says they love me but all their actions point to no. And the fact that I have a gut feeling something is up or I don’t feel their love.

Anytime I try to confront them on the subject whether it is my first love/ex or my mother- I have never felt their love. I wouldn’t say I am sad because THEY don’t love me truly. I am sad and hurt because they always say they do, manipulate me into thinking they do but when I need them they are no where to be seen.

Now my ex is a thing of the past, I am just now able to deal with the reality of his lies. Our relationship is tied in with my sexual abuse since he helped me through it. My mother, of course, will always be apart of my life whether I like it or not.

But why would someone ever say they love me but not really mean it? That is such a deep rejection I cannot almost not even process it in my mind. Plus with me already having PTSD is not a good mix.

I get so sad thinking about how someone who is supposed to love me unconditionally, who helped create me doesn’t love or want me around. It makes me think something is totally wrong with me and then I go into people pleasing mode. I also try and conform to the crowd because I am not confident enough to be myself. Why be myself when I am always rejected by my own mother?

 

rejected red square  stamp

The Broken Record

Vinyl Revival

You would think I would know how to prepare when I see it coming. You would think I would know how to let it “roll off my shoulders”. But holidays are spent with family, laughs, food and traditions. What if you are uninvited to your own family get together? No word, no call, no letter, nothing.

I have talked about this a little bit before. I knew the email was coming. I had a gut feeling but what I did not know is how much it really does effect me. It wasn’t until I had an anxiety attack at church this Easter Morning I realized the severity of it. Easter is a time of rejoicing, praise and worship. So why was I asking certain songs to be muted and certain phrases to be not be spoken?

My ears cringe every time I hear someone say or shout, “He is RISEN!” or I hear the song, All in All or In Christ Alone. I finally have figured out why it throws me into a swirling sea of emotions- it is because of my mother.

Every Easter when I lived with her or visited her she would say this phrase and I had to reply back with another phrase. If I did not- I would be in trouble. I cannot stand that phrase even though I love the meaning behind it. I love Jesus and I am so thankful he took my guilt, my shame and all my sin away. I beyond happy that he defeated death and rose again. But just that phrase or those songs that she used to play all the time just make me want to hurl or lash out in rage.

If you have been reading my blogs you know that I do not get emails (/contact) currently from my m. at all and if I do they are generic greeting cards. And that I do not have contact with her by her choice. So in the middle of worship at church the triggers were thrown at me. I had to sit down and try to calm my anxiety attack down.

I had a normal day today besides the fact I am still mourning family members’ passing and being away from my family. My husband’s family came, we had a great dinner, some time to talk and an all around nice time together. My heart longed to be with my sisters or to at least have them included in my life.

I received an email from my m and of course- I saw it coming. I knew it would happen. All it said in the message was “He is RISEN! He is Risen Indeed. Love, Mom.” That’s it. You know how that made me feel, EVEN THOUGH I KNEW IT WAS COMING- it broke my heart. Not even signed with love from my sisters or step dad. Not even signed with a thinking of you, or love you.

At first it didn’t bother me but sitting there thinking about how I am not wanted in part of my family’s life- just tore me apart. I wanted to scream and to email a quick response back with something snippy and clever like “Why don’t you try sending a real email next time or just don’t bother at all- I only hear from you on holidays anyway. At least I had the nerve to call you and wish you Happy Easter.”

I didn’t even respond but that is what I would of loved to say. I did call after that email was sent and of course had to speak to the voicemail. She screens her calls and decides when to answer. And it is always so awkward for me because normally you say “See you soon or talk to you later” well, in my case that is not true at all. I won’t see her or my sisters soon and I mostly like will never talk to them again until she decides to let me.

It burns me. It really burns me. I am going to bring it up to the therapist when I go this next week and see what she says. This happens every year and I get the same crash afterwards and you know it probably doesn’t even bother her. She is just thinking “Okay, I did the bare minimum to still remain the title of Mom.” At least that is what it feels like to me.

This happens every single year and I can predict down to the WORDS of what she will say to me or how she will say it. You think by now I would be okay with it or not care. I wish I didn’t care. For my birthday card one year I got in my 20s she signed it: “Thank God you are here one more year to serve him.” That is ALL SHE WROTE ladies and gents- ALL SHE WROTE. Not an I love you, not Happy Birthday or anything else personal.

I was in disbelief when I read it. I just couldn’t believe it. Aren’t you some what thankful for me? Don’t you love me? Don’t you want me? You can see now how easily it is to have animosity towards God because that is how her abuse and control is delivered. It is so hard for me not to cut myself right now. I have so much bottled up- even the tasty cheesecake can’t comfort me.  Don’t worry- I won’t. I haven’t cut for years because I made a promise to my father to not cut anymore but the urge is getting stronger.

 

The Locked Door

How exactly am I supposed to build a relationship with someone when the door is locked? I am not allowed in for whatever reason. I have tried being perfect, being honest, being humble, being apologetic, being “more christian”, being “agreeable”- everything! Nothing works. I want to be apart of their lives.

I do have one blessing though, when I call my sisters’ on their birthdays- I have been able to talk to them. Granted that is the most I converse with them. Probably the only time throughout the years- is on their birthdays. A 5-20 minute conversation is all I get.

But within those minutes- I eat it up. When I get them to laugh even once during that time makes me feel like I am not failing miserably. I get to know them a little but not much. It’s mostly generic small talk but their voices are like angels to me.

You would probably think these are my own babies but I do not have any yet. But I can see how when you do have your own and just listening to their voice melts all your worries away. They are still so sweet, young, innocent and impressionable. My worst fear is when they are older, making choices on their own, will they want me? Will they know me? Will they love me? Will they want a relationship with me? Or will they be so prepared to be against me? Will they hate me? Will they think I forsake them? Will they grow up too fast and not do what they really want to do in life? Will they be her little robots and still continue to do what mommy wants? I am afraid.

I am not here to break their mommy and daddy relationship because their lives have been different than my childhood. I don’t know all the details because I don’t live there anymore, I can’t speak to my sisters alone or for any length of time and plus I am not welcomed. I just want a relationship with each of them.

They have been molded already to be different. They all act the same. Stand there quietly, reserved, polished, polite, shallow like a pond. Probably in fear of stepping outside the boundary box and not sticking to her side, literally. At get togethers- they stand there all in a row and look to her for everything. Whether they can eat, sit, talk with someone, go somewhere. Forget about them coming and sitting with me- they don’t. They are like little statues.

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But in the inside are they screaming to get out? Are they as I was just wishing a family member cared? Do they feel like something is missing? Do they feel like it’s all fake, or a show or a put on? I know I caught on early but I had a normal house with dad. So when I would visit him- I knew the other house was weird and not normal. They do not have that, which I am thankful for. I don’t want anyone of my sisters to know how weird it is. I would rather them be clueless, instead of ashamed.

Since when is it the primary goal in life to want to get married and have 1231 kids?! I mean props to you if you wish that but to force feed it to children to be the same goal. Get married to a christian man, have lots of babies, homeschool them and be a wonderful wife for your husband- the end.

I am sorry but what about college? What about finding out what they want to do in life? What are their passions and talents that come naturally? What about music that isn’t calculated? Dancing that isn’t planned? Animals that isn’t a reward? There is so much more to life- I want them to have a chance to be their own person. Not what my m. thinks they will be best at.

Shoot YOU DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING M.! YOU HAVE NO IDEA IN THE WORLD WHAT SOMEONE WANTS IN LIFE. I AM SO EXHAUSTED FROM THE FAKE-NESS YOU FORCE FEED. LET SOMEONE CHOOSE TO BE CHRISTIAN BECAUSE THEY SEE THE LOVE DEMONSTRATED FROM YOU NOT BECAUSE THEY WANT YOUR APPROVAL. LET SOMEONE CHOOSE TO BE A WIFE AND MOTHER WHEN SHE FINDS THE MAN THAT COMPLETES HER. LET SOMEONE WEAR NORMAL CLOTHES IF THEY WISH- NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO LOOK LIKE PIONEER DAYS. LET THEM CHOOSE IF THEY WANT TO MEMORIZE THE WHOLE BIBLE- NOT JUST BECAUSE YOU GET AN AWARD. LET THEM GO TO PUBLIC SCHOOL, JOIN SPORTS, WEAR JEANS, GET DIRTY, SPEND THE NIGHT WITH ME, BURP, GET MESSY. LET THEM FIND OUT WHAT THEY WANT TO DO AND BE IN LIFE. LET MY SISTERS GO! (like when Moses said to Pharaoh- “Let my people go”.. ha)

TracyDoorkey

Whew. I feel better. Well somewhat. I still didn’t exactly say it to her but I was at least able to put it into words. It breaks my heart when I see them standing there as I once did. I was zapped for life. I didn’t know what living was and I was only a child. I was told what to do, when to do it, for how long and to do it with “joy in my heart”. Puh-lease! Make me vomit.

Anyways- moving on from that rant. lol. This in no way is geared towards my sisters. I would not if I hung out with them would do this. I just want to love them. I want to encourage them to be who they want to be. My m. said I am not allowed to be alone with them because I might hurt them. What?! The example she gave is me when I got snippy with a sister of mine. Well quite honestly she deserved it. Not everyone gets along all the time. Especially when they are like little versions of the bigger monster that are as judgmental and condescending as her. Plus she didn’t even tell me. That is a bigger problem right there- communication. You need to be able to communicate your feelings and work through them especially if someone hurts you. I had no idea in the world it hurt her so much. So what did she do? She ran and told m.

That has happened with other family members too. If there is ever a time where one of the sisters “feels hurt”. That family member is not allowed to see them again unsupervised. Including the grandparents! Are you kidding me? Maybe if you gave my sweet sisters the confidence to speak up and to not be scared of everything they wouldn’t be so easily hurt.

Seriously! The event we are talking about is pathetic. My youngest was asked a question and she didn’t answer. A bike was got out for her and asked if she wanted to ride. Well, with m. not there she doesn’t know how to make decisions on her own. The time was limit so the family member asked her again. And the little sister was hurt by this. She felt pressured and yelled at- which wasn’t true. She just literally can’t make a decision if m. is not there. She will go into panic mode. THE SAME THING I DID WHEN I WAS HER AGE! “Would m. approve? Will I get in trouble? What will she say?” those would be swimming in my head to the point where I would freeze up.

I will never physically harm or purposely mental abuse my sisters. But if they are being a brat- I will tell them. I do not know what single sister or brother dynamic where they get along perfect the whole entire time they are alive. Maybe in m.’s perfect life. If you are not allowed to hash out feelings or experience a range of emotions- how in the world are you going to be able to handle it? OH you AREN’T! Geez- I swear some of the time, well most of the time, I feel like I am raising my m. It’s not a good feeling.

So the end question- how can I love and be there for my sisters when the door is locked? I love them so dearly but they never ever see my love for them. My true, unconditional love for them. I am just a “holiday visiter” to them if I can even make it there. I used to try and go over there more often but the door is seriously locked, the gate too.

If she doesn’t want you in- she will not come to the door, she will not answer the phone and she will not call you back. She will however hold it against you and “prove” that this is why she doesn’t approve. She needs an advance notice of when you are coming, for how long and she will “have to check her schedule”. She is a stay at home mom and my sisters are home schooled for crying out loud! What do you possibly have to check? School isn’t in session all day.

But now, my current situation, no returned calls, no emails, no invites, no nothing. Sure I can surprise her and stop by but she literally will not answer the door or her phone. Why you may ask? I have no idea. She holds grudges like no other and she also makes up most of them.

 

 

How am I able to love the little children that live behind the locked door?

 

door knob