A House Divided

Since my last post- I have had mixed emotions about how I am feeling. I will go from empowerment, mourning to feeling completely cut off. It seems like the family always sides with the Abuser then the Victim. I don’t understand why that is.

I mean my story has stayed the same and it has been years of this conflict- why wouldn’t someone in the family believe me? I have the support of my friends and other family members that are not apart of that side but I still feel alone. I guess deep down I was really hoping someone from that side would finally believe me and support me.

Granted I did disown her publicly and that might not of been the best choice but at that moment I didn’t really care. I have a voice and there is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to speak. It is not fair that in this world if you have something to say you can only say it if people want to hear it. If they don’t or if people don’t agree with you it automatically means you are either wrong, stupid or shouldn’t speak up at all.

I couldn’t imagine being a spokesperson about child abuse, bullying, abuse or anything else without having the support from the family that is involved. I am strong enough to handle the no support from the immediately family it is just a huge disappointment. It’s like you are hoping someone makes the right choice and they don’t. There is nothing I can do about it- I was just hoping for more.

Plus it doesn’t help my m. is a sociopath, narcissist and a very good actress. From what I know about my life and about her is that the monster comes out only around me. Anyone else that starts to question her, she just cuts them out of her life.

I am very proud of myself for being strong enough to NOT regret or feel guilty about my declaration against her. I am very proud of myself for understanding a very important detail- Most families will side with the Abuser because they either can’t see it, don’t believe it or don’t want to acknowledge it. It is so much easier to walk away, deny and bury their head in the sand. Honestly- it feels like a personal attack and sometimes they do personally attack me but for the most part it is nothing personal. They cannot deal with it.

If you have someone like I have in my life like my m. she is very good at what she does. She goes to sick, the helpless, the older people with fixed meals, she fixes up churches, helps out- the “true christian”. She knows and teaches the Bible like the back of her hand, she is charming, she seems so sweet but it’s all an act.

If it wasn’t for my dad, his family, my husband and his, I would think I was crazy. It really is like everything that happens or things she does to me is denied and never happened. It makes you go a little loopy, specially when she is a master manipulator.

Switching to good news… I am going to get my first tattoo soon. I have been debating on what I want. Elaborate or small and chic? I think I might go small and chic. I want it to say something about freedom or being free. I like the idea of something like “I’m finally free” and then maybe something on the other foot “because of my courage”.