The Hardest Hurt

I have been thinking this morning… After I emailed my ex and talked to him, I realized what one of the hardest hurts in life is. For me personally, it is someone who says they love me but all their actions point to no. And the fact that I have a gut feeling something is up or I don’t feel their love.

Anytime I try to confront them on the subject whether it is my first love/ex or my mother- I have never felt their love. I wouldn’t say I am sad because THEY don’t love me truly. I am sad and hurt because they always say they do, manipulate me into thinking they do but when I need them they are no where to be seen.

Now my ex is a thing of the past, I am just now able to deal with the reality of his lies. Our relationship is tied in with my sexual abuse since he helped me through it. My mother, of course, will always be apart of my life whether I like it or not.

But why would someone ever say they love me but not really mean it? That is such a deep rejection I cannot almost not even process it in my mind. Plus with me already having PTSD is not a good mix.

I get so sad thinking about how someone who is supposed to love me unconditionally, who helped create me doesn’t love or want me around. It makes me think something is totally wrong with me and then I go into people pleasing mode. I also try and conform to the crowd because I am not confident enough to be myself. Why be myself when I am always rejected by my own mother?

 

rejected red square  stamp

How It Starts

Contacting Cowboy has really put me through the ringer. We finished our conversation yesterday with some questions he wanted me to answer. One of them was “Why did you leave me?”. I forgot to tell him because he cheated the first time we tried dating, he never admitted it during that time. But the main reason was because of his lack of maturity and after he broke my heart I couldn’t  give it back to him.

After this conversation I thanked him for talking with me and that this was helping a lot. He then began to say it was hurting him because he tried to forget all of this. I felt extremely horrible. Of course! How wouldn’t it hurt him? I don’t know if he considers me “the one that got away” or not. I didn’t ask him. He did tell me that if things were different (I wasn’t married, he didn’t have a baby or fiancé) he’d want to try again.

I kinda expected that. Not to sound arrogant but what we had reminds me of the movie the Notebook sometimes. We weren’t all lovey dovey infatuated with each other, we had something special.

We first met at a rodeo. I was there with one of my girlfriends, walking along when all of a sudden a rope was wrapped around me for no reason. I turned around and there he was, on his horse, rope in hand and around me. He pulled me in close. Sounds amazingly romantic right? That is exactly how it happened, I was so intrigued by how forward he was. But as he pulled me in close he didn’t say a word. He just kept staring at me. His friend was talking to me but he didn’t say anything.

The whole couple minutes I was there, roped, Cowboy never said a word. It got awkward so I unroped myself and left. I didn’t see him at all the rest of the night even though I tried searching for him. I didn’t even get his name I don’t think. My best friend went and got his number somehow and I didn’t know it. I was in the car getting ready to go home. She gave me his number and I put it away.

A year later. YES A YEAR! I found that number when I was going through some stuff of mine. I thought, Hey what the heck- just give it a try. I didn’t know if he would of kept the same number or not. I got the courage and called. He answered. And he remembered me.

He was actually in a different state for awhile going to school or something. And we talked for a whole year. I can’t really remember the progress after that but we made such a strong emotional connection. I knew everything about him and he knew everything about me. We could speak milestones without saying a but just a few words. I turned to him and he turned to me.

 

I can still remember how it felt when he would look at me. I remember how it was to kiss him. I still remember our song. I remember how he hugged me so tightly. I remember how we slow danced to our song at my Winter Formal. I remember his goofy laugh. I remember his sweet voice calling me darlin’. I remember the comfort he gave me after I’d have a hard day or nightmares. I remember him. Now enough of the “easy stuff to remember about my ex”. This is what I also remember:

I remember what it felt like when he cheated on me (long story, I think alcohol was involved), what it felt like when he was immature and embarrassed me. I remember what it felt like him shutting me out. I remember what it was like when I laid in his bed next to him- ready to marry him if he asked and  he got up and walked out on us because he was too scared. I remember what it was like when he wouldn’t look at me. I remember how scared I was to fully trust him. I remember how he’d get up and leave the room if I walked in. I remember what it was like when Cowboy shattered my heart. I remember how he left me and never came back.

There is a reason we didn’t work out and it wasn’t all him. I was a huge part to blame.

So anyways- after our conversation it was so easy to remember the great things and slip back into old emotions. So watch out if you talk to your ex! I told him I couldn’t be friends with him because everything comes flooding back and it’s not fair for my husband or healthy for me. And that was that.

Now the hard part- telling my husband. I called my dad and asked him how he got over his first love. I looked up some more articles and surveys. I found out that a whole 88% of married people have pondered at least once what it would be like if they were single, or without kids, or with an ex, in the privacy of their own mind. So thank goodness I am not crazy! Cowboy is my what if.

I have also come to realized with my last entry that my heart has never healed. My husband is the closest one ever to it besides Cowboy. I am selfish in nature, I think about me and what will be good for me or what I want to do, or need. I even used to think of our money separately (my money and his money) and that I was entitled to mine and he wasn’t. Now don’t get me wrong I am not a horrible unloving wife- these are subconscious actions and thoughts. I come across as lazy. I love him, I just never had the desire to do things for him for the sake of doing it. I did things for me and my future.

The longest relationship I ever had before my husband was maybe 2 or 3 months. MAX. Even Cowboy and I didn’t make it a full month I don’t think of exclusive dating but we were on and off for 3, maybe more years.

That is what I told my husband. I told him how I feel like I am selfish, my heart isn’t fully healed and I am reserved. Tears started making my eyes foggy as I told him how much I had been hurt. And how I learned to guard my heart because of abusive mother. I told him I was sorry and that I hope this didn’t hurt him. I told him the conversation between Cowboy and I. I told him everything. And I ended with a list I made for him.

The list was titled, I Love You More Because… and I would list my reasons why I loved him more than Cowboy. I only got about 6 down on the page before he came home. But I am going to write myself a copy so that when I am tempted to paint Cowboy in a romantic, dreamy light- that I see how great of my husband is and how much better he is to me than Cowboy was. One of the reasons why I love my husband more than Cowboy, is because my husband fought for me. He didn’t just leave or give up, he fought hard for me and for us.

I am my husband’s first love. He only had one other girlfriend before me and didn’t really like her. I wish I could be the same and give him the same as I gave Cowboy. There is just something about your first. I can’t explain it. But there is also something about a man that loves every part of you, accepts you for who you are, the bad, ugly and the good and who won’t leave your side no matter what.