I received a phone call from a concerned family member the other day. She was concerned with how my “voice” being spoken on Facebook was going to help the situation with my mother. It was about a 30 minute call and she handled it in a way that was so refreshing. She told me her viewpoints and was just basically trying to understand why I would “accuse” my mother of abuse and why I have decided to handle things in such a public matter.
I read this quote on a site that is tremendous for toxic mother/daughter relationships:
“When someone is unrelentingly critical of you, always finds fault, can never be pleased, and blames you for everything that goes wrong- It is the insidious nature and cumulative effects of the abuse that do the damage. Over time, this type of abuse eats away at your self confidence and sense of self worth, undermining any good feelings you have about yourself and your accomplishments.”
WOW! I had to read that a couple times to really grasp what it was saying. There is another story I read in that article that helped open up my eyes as well. This is the writer explaining her defining moment of self love and standing up for herself:
“All I did was decide that our toxic mother/daughter relationship problems were not MY fault. Then I decided that since I realized it wasn’t my fault, I wasn’t taking the blame for it anymore. Then I drew a boundary line which bluntly stated was, “either you stop treating me in this disrespectful way or I will not have this relationship with you.” She picked the “not having a relationship with me”. OUCH. But at least I knew the truth. It was easier to move forward when I knew the truth. It wasn’t exactly the validation that I wanted but it was validating that my suspicions were true. At the end of the day I know that my mother is not a happy person. I also know that now it ISN’T MY FAULT.”
The woman also talking about something very interesting in her article. It took me for a trip especially with this phone call I just had the other day asking me what is the whole purpose of all of this.. The woman said look at your motives and her motives within the relationship. So I did and they were astonishing.
My motive in my toxic mother/daughter relationship is to be heard. I always had to stay silent. If I didn’t we would move /I would transfer schools/go to a different church/or get extremely punished. My motive is to be heard. I am so tired of everything seeming like it is made up in my head because I am a “problem child”. It is not. I wish I could transfer my memories into other people’s brain just so they can experience what I went through and what I go through.
Now my mother’s motive is to make things/stories/truth disappear and to be in control. No matter what the situation is- she wants the control, to be in control. Her motive is to be right and it is not loved based. My motive is actually love based. I just want to be heard, to heal, to move on and to have a real relationship with her. My mother “claims” she wants that but she doesn’t. She has had YEARS of opportunity. In her mind I always to something that makes me unworthy of having a relationship with her. She would rather be a sob story to get pity then to deal with her own pain, insecurities and short comings as a mother.
The phone conversation wasn’t really productive. There wasn’t a happy ending to it. I was gently given advice that the way I handled the situation was incorrect because of the long term effects it will have on my mother and I’s relationship. The family member began to tell me that I have put this wall up between me and mother. And that if they suspected any abuse they would of dug deeper into it. Well my mother puts on a very very good act. I am the only one she is this brutal with.
I told this family member there has always been a wall between us especially after she would hit me when I was little. I didn’t go into situations to “prove it” but if I would- I don’t know how it would of gone.
I wanted people to know that my mother and I do not have a relationship. I want people to start questioning her and these things. The only side effect I am worried about it how this will be for my littler sisters that are still underneath her house. I love them so much and I want what is best for them. Unfortunately I don’t know if I will ever have a relationship with them. My mother’s charm and approval means too much to children.