What’s The Purpose?

I received a phone call from a concerned family member the other day. She was concerned with how my “voice” being spoken on Facebook was going to help the situation with my mother. It was about a 30 minute call and she handled it in a way that was so refreshing. She told me her viewpoints and was just basically trying to understand why I would “accuse” my mother of abuse and why I have decided to handle things in such a public matter.

I read this quote on a site that is tremendous for toxic mother/daughter relationships:

“When someone is unrelentingly critical of you, always finds fault, can never be pleased, and blames you for everything that goes wrong- It is the insidious nature and cumulative effects of the abuse that do the damage. Over time, this type of abuse eats away at your self confidence and sense of self worth, undermining any good feelings you have about yourself and your accomplishments.”

WOW! I had to read that a couple times to really grasp what it was saying. There is another story I read in that article that helped open up my eyes as well. This is the writer explaining her defining moment of self love and standing up for herself:

 

“All I did was decide that our toxic mother/daughter relationship problems were not MY fault. Then I decided that since I realized it wasn’t my fault, I wasn’t taking the blame for it anymore. Then I drew a boundary line which bluntly stated was, “either you stop treating me in this disrespectful way or I will not have this relationship with you.” She picked the “not having a relationship with me”. OUCH. But at least I knew the truth. It was easier to move forward when I knew the truth. It wasn’t exactly the validation that I wanted but it was validating that my suspicions were true. At the end of the day I know that my mother is not a happy person. I also know that now it ISN’T MY FAULT.”

The woman also talking about something very interesting in her article. It took me for a trip especially with this phone call I just had the other day asking me what is the whole purpose of all of this.. The woman said look at your motives and her motives within the relationship. So I did and they were astonishing.

My motive in my toxic mother/daughter relationship is to be heard. I always had to stay silent. If I didn’t we would move /I would transfer schools/go to a different church/or get extremely punished. My motive is to be heard. I am so tired of everything seeming like it is made up in my head because I am a “problem child”. It is not. I wish I could transfer my memories into other people’s brain just so they can experience what I went through and what I go through.

Now my mother’s motive is to make things/stories/truth disappear and to be in control. No matter what the situation is- she wants the control, to be in control. Her motive is to be right and it is not loved based. My motive is actually love based. I just want to be heard, to heal, to move on and to have a real relationship with her. My mother “claims” she wants that but she doesn’t. She has had YEARS of opportunity. In her mind I always to something that makes me unworthy of having a relationship with her. She would rather be a sob story to get pity then to deal with her own pain, insecurities and short comings as a mother.

The phone conversation wasn’t really productive. There wasn’t a happy ending to it. I was gently given advice that the way I handled the situation was incorrect because of the long term effects it will have on my mother and I’s relationship. The family member began to tell me that I have put this wall up between me and mother. And that if they suspected any abuse they would of dug deeper into it. Well my mother puts on a very very good act. I am the only one she is this brutal with.

I told this family member there has always been a wall between us especially after she would hit me when I was little. I didn’t go into situations to “prove it” but if I would- I don’t know how it would of gone.

I wanted people to know that my mother and I do not have a relationship. I want people to start questioning her and these things. The only side effect I am worried about it how this will be for my littler sisters that are still underneath her house. I love them so much and I want what is best for them. Unfortunately I don’t know if I will ever have a relationship with them. My mother’s charm and approval means too much to children.

D Y S L E X I A * D S Y L E X I A

I have never been diagnosed with dyslexia but I do know I have it. I don’t know if it’s from the lack of nurturing from my m. or also because it’s in my family. I would say a little bit of both. I also have a stammer or stutter whatever you want to call it. Not as bad as it was but it comes out in stressful/confrontational situations. I am very quick minded but not quick with my speech. Also sorry for any missing words in my blogs. My mind works so fast in what I want to say that my fingers cannot keep up and a lot of the times I miss out on words like  a, the, and, it’s, to, etc.

Let me tell you a little bit about my “lack of nurturing” from my m. This story whenever I tell it or think about it makes me want to cry. You know how your body reacts when someone offends you or treats you like you’re stupid. That is exactly how I felt everyday when I lived with her. Not only did I have to watch what I said but how much I would “bother” her.

She would close up the doors and have to take several naps throughout the day just to function. I doubt she was on any pills but she’d be out like a light. And never ever in a good mood. I was walking on egg shells everyday around her. She wasn’t someone you could be a noisy, regular, messy child around. You had to sit, play quietly and not be messy. When it was nice outside I would be locked out of the house sometimes until she decided to let me in. I was an only child at this point of my life and no friends allowed to come over either.

That part of my life doesn’t bother me. What bothered me most is when I would need help with something. If I had a question on spelling or needed know something she would say, “Well go look it up.” “Go figure it out.” In the meanest tone ever. It made me come to tears every single time. I could of asked her in the nicest way possible- it wouldn’t of made a difference. She would always SIGH the most dramatic sigh ever as if to imply I was imposing on her and her time. She would also roll her eyes at me. My heart would break because I felt so unwanted and stupid for not knowing. My eyes would well up with tears. My ears would ring and my cheeks would flush with embarrassment.

My dyslexia was worse when I was stressed and also my stammer. My brain just couldn’t find the words or if it did they would come out in jumbled mess or backwards. I felt like such an idiot- so I rarely spoke when stressed. I felt like the dumbest kid on earth. I still have trouble telling time on analog watch. I know what the numbers mean but numbers are so hard for me. Words move across the pages. I see them backwards at times. Especially when reading I could read the same line over and over and not know it. Or read a chapter in the book and not recall what I read or what the story was about.

Numbers are worse for me than words. Phone numbers, dates, addresses, math problems, money, time- I get it all switched around in my head. I can’t tell right from left barely. I always have to stop and think about it. Now  if that isn’t explained to a child, that child feels like the stupidest person alive. Words are so powerful. Everyone has their word  they believe about themselves at times when they are really down. Like loser, lazy, ugly, stupid, fat- everyone does. And that word at your lowest day creeps into your mind and you think about it over and over. Maybe not, maybe it’s just me but I do know when people are upset, down on themselves or feel like they’ve failed at something they say that one word that hits a nerve.

I am not saying my m. worsened my dyslexia but she did cause my stutter, stammer. I had developed that stammer all because of her lack of nurturing. I was never applauded or loved for accomplishments. I barely accomplished anything because it was never what I wanted to do. She cut me off, made me feel stupid and over time those nerves had an affect on me.

The one phrase she always says that still makes my heart jump when anyone says it is “Excuse me?” I think that is the rudest thing to say. Maybe not to you but I hate that phrase. She would always say that in some condescending tone when I said something she didn’t like, agree with or if she just didn’t want to answer me. She didn’t say it nicely but rather EXXX CUUUUSE ME? If that helps. lol. Another thing she did was sometimes she wouldn’t answer me at all. It was like I wasn’t even there.

As I grew up if I asked for help or a question and people ignored me- I would go into shut down mode immediately. I would think that they hated me, I was a waste of space and that I should just leave. When in reality, I have such a soft voice no one could hear me. I think I have a natural soft voice when asking a question is because I had to with my m. to avoid confrontation. Now I am getting better but if someone intimidates me for whatever reason I will use that same approach. Like a dog belly up to show submission.

Another thing I just realized as well is that each woman in my life (that sounds weird). Each woman that I know that is older than me- I treat like my mother. I see my mother. Not because they have the same qualities because they don’t. But because that is how warped my mind is. I want approval. I want attention, I want to be perfect, smart, impressive and I guess deep down prove to them I am worth the space.

I have to say to myself sometimes, “she is not my mother” to get my mind right. I guess that is also why I am so sensitive to women feedback and their judgements about me. Maybe if I get other women’s approval my m. will realize I am not that bad of a person. Maybe.

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As a side note- these blogs are helping me realize just how much my m. has affected me in my life. I hope to break the chains that hold me. I want to be free and finally be the person I want to be without having to fear “what will she think”.

Thank you all for the likes, the follows and the comments- it means a lot to me. In these blogs I am baring my soul for the first time ever and am very nervous to do so. The support from you helps encourage me that not all people think I am waste or crazy. 🙂