The Email to the Ex

“Another reason why I left you (besides you breaking my heart and embarrassing me) is because I suspected you cheated on me after we just started dating. And I didn’t believe your reasoning for leaving me, “being scared”. It sounds like a line to me and to this day it still pisses me off to be frank. I had a gut feeling that you never actually loved me. If you did why did you let me go? Why didn’t you regret it and come fight for me? Fight for us? I was so extremely hurt and heart broken. I was completely in love with you and to not feel loved back and cheated on- I don’t wish that on anyone.

I still to this day don’t believe what you say. I just put up with it because it is comforting to believe instead of looking at the hard truth. You didn’t want me. I was easy to let go of. I was fully rejected. My love wasn’t enough. How you treated me when I was there later, you didn’t talk to me, look at me and you straight out avoided me. I can still feel the pain to this day and I am done with it. I have tried to keep our conversations to a minimum but I can’t let this slide. You asked me and I finally have the guts to tell you the truth.

You asked me if I would of stayed with you if we would of stayed together… Honestly- probably not considering how you treated me. I told you yes because I would of liked to believe that was true. I would of liked to believe that we could of worked through those issues. But in order to do that you would of had to fight to show me that you did truly love me and that I could trust you. And you never did.

I don’t really expect you to care, I mean after all you are getting married next year and I am married to someone else now… but I am the type of person that can’t leave stuff unsaid no matter if someone wants to see it or not. I have a respect for you because you were there for me in very hard times and you comforted me after my sexual assault. I also feel really bad for how I did treat you and purposely hurt you. I was just trying to make you feel the pain I felt from you and that was wrong. I apologized for that.

All I wanted was your heart because I had given you mine completely. I know we had something at one point- it was real but then YOU changed.

This is me taking back my heart and standing up for myself.”

I sent this because he asked me why and I half answered the question. I want to be honest with him and myself. I want to break away from the fantasy and really look down deep. He isn’t a regret or someone I should of been with for the rest of my life- he is the exact opposite from what I deserve. Thank goodness I have a husband that doesn’t do any of this to me. Cowboy and I tried at least 3 times to make it work and it never did. I was never truthful with myself about why we didn’t work. I buried it deep down and inside. I just uncovered it and I want to never forget the real reason.

I don’t care if he responds or not. I don’t care if he cares or not. I am just over it. I should of said these things a long time ago. My guilt is gone, my “what if” is gone and the fantasy is gone- ABOUT TIME!

A House Divided

Since my last post- I have had mixed emotions about how I am feeling. I will go from empowerment, mourning to feeling completely cut off. It seems like the family always sides with the Abuser then the Victim. I don’t understand why that is.

I mean my story has stayed the same and it has been years of this conflict- why wouldn’t someone in the family believe me? I have the support of my friends and other family members that are not apart of that side but I still feel alone. I guess deep down I was really hoping someone from that side would finally believe me and support me.

Granted I did disown her publicly and that might not of been the best choice but at that moment I didn’t really care. I have a voice and there is no reason why I shouldn’t be able to speak. It is not fair that in this world if you have something to say you can only say it if people want to hear it. If they don’t or if people don’t agree with you it automatically means you are either wrong, stupid or shouldn’t speak up at all.

I couldn’t imagine being a spokesperson about child abuse, bullying, abuse or anything else without having the support from the family that is involved. I am strong enough to handle the no support from the immediately family it is just a huge disappointment. It’s like you are hoping someone makes the right choice and they don’t. There is nothing I can do about it- I was just hoping for more.

Plus it doesn’t help my m. is a sociopath, narcissist and a very good actress. From what I know about my life and about her is that the monster comes out only around me. Anyone else that starts to question her, she just cuts them out of her life.

I am very proud of myself for being strong enough to NOT regret or feel guilty about my declaration against her. I am very proud of myself for understanding a very important detail- Most families will side with the Abuser because they either can’t see it, don’t believe it or don’t want to acknowledge it. It is so much easier to walk away, deny and bury their head in the sand. Honestly- it feels like a personal attack and sometimes they do personally attack me but for the most part it is nothing personal. They cannot deal with it.

If you have someone like I have in my life like my m. she is very good at what she does. She goes to sick, the helpless, the older people with fixed meals, she fixes up churches, helps out- the “true christian”. She knows and teaches the Bible like the back of her hand, she is charming, she seems so sweet but it’s all an act.

If it wasn’t for my dad, his family, my husband and his, I would think I was crazy. It really is like everything that happens or things she does to me is denied and never happened. It makes you go a little loopy, specially when she is a master manipulator.

Switching to good news… I am going to get my first tattoo soon. I have been debating on what I want. Elaborate or small and chic? I think I might go small and chic. I want it to say something about freedom or being free. I like the idea of something like “I’m finally free” and then maybe something on the other foot “because of my courage”.