Nightmares & Shame

This week at therapy was a rough one. I have so many issues with self confidence, shame and guilt. I think Satan knows that. It absolutely rips me apart from the core. I had a nightmare the night before my therapy session. I have had this nightmares quite often and it tears me apart. My nightmares are of me cheating on my husband. At first I always say no but then it turns into a yes.  My husband, in my dream, always walks in and then leaves me after finding out.

When I wake up from this- I feel as if I actually committed the crime. I feel guilty, shameful and unworthy of him. I keep thinking that since I dream this all the time, that means it is going to happen so easily one day. I was lying in bed crying to my husband last night just wishing I was good enough for him.

When we were dating, we both were not faithful. In the first years of our marriage I was tempted. In all the years I have dated, never once was I faithful to anyone. I don’t want the old me to come back and ruin what is so good in my life. When I think about what the old me would do, and has done, I feel so unworthy, I could almost sink away and not return.

I have decided to start a study on shame and guilt. And to also really pray about it. I have learned so far that God and my husband have forgiven me completely. So what I experience is false guilt. False guilt is a tool used by Satan to disrupt my relationship with God. And I have noticed that when I feel this extreme shame- God couldn’t be further in my mind.

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The Email to the Ex

“Another reason why I left you (besides you breaking my heart and embarrassing me) is because I suspected you cheated on me after we just started dating. And I didn’t believe your reasoning for leaving me, “being scared”. It sounds like a line to me and to this day it still pisses me off to be frank. I had a gut feeling that you never actually loved me. If you did why did you let me go? Why didn’t you regret it and come fight for me? Fight for us? I was so extremely hurt and heart broken. I was completely in love with you and to not feel loved back and cheated on- I don’t wish that on anyone.

I still to this day don’t believe what you say. I just put up with it because it is comforting to believe instead of looking at the hard truth. You didn’t want me. I was easy to let go of. I was fully rejected. My love wasn’t enough. How you treated me when I was there later, you didn’t talk to me, look at me and you straight out avoided me. I can still feel the pain to this day and I am done with it. I have tried to keep our conversations to a minimum but I can’t let this slide. You asked me and I finally have the guts to tell you the truth.

You asked me if I would of stayed with you if we would of stayed together… Honestly- probably not considering how you treated me. I told you yes because I would of liked to believe that was true. I would of liked to believe that we could of worked through those issues. But in order to do that you would of had to fight to show me that you did truly love me and that I could trust you. And you never did.

I don’t really expect you to care, I mean after all you are getting married next year and I am married to someone else now… but I am the type of person that can’t leave stuff unsaid no matter if someone wants to see it or not. I have a respect for you because you were there for me in very hard times and you comforted me after my sexual assault. I also feel really bad for how I did treat you and purposely hurt you. I was just trying to make you feel the pain I felt from you and that was wrong. I apologized for that.

All I wanted was your heart because I had given you mine completely. I know we had something at one point- it was real but then YOU changed.

This is me taking back my heart and standing up for myself.”

I sent this because he asked me why and I half answered the question. I want to be honest with him and myself. I want to break away from the fantasy and really look down deep. He isn’t a regret or someone I should of been with for the rest of my life- he is the exact opposite from what I deserve. Thank goodness I have a husband that doesn’t do any of this to me. Cowboy and I tried at least 3 times to make it work and it never did. I was never truthful with myself about why we didn’t work. I buried it deep down and inside. I just uncovered it and I want to never forget the real reason.

I don’t care if he responds or not. I don’t care if he cares or not. I am just over it. I should of said these things a long time ago. My guilt is gone, my “what if” is gone and the fantasy is gone- ABOUT TIME!