As I put in my earbuds and turn on some relaxing music I begin to realize how much I have wanted to just write. There is something “freeing” about just letting my fingers take control of the keys and no thought of “what will they think” or “what will they say” go through my head. My anxiety isn’t that bad right now but thankfully I am finally alone. Sometimes I just need alone time to feel whatever I want to, whether it be grumpy, sleepy, giddy, girly, sad, angry, grieving or whatever I wish to feel at the moment. As of right now in my current situation I have felt for the past few years I am a barbie with a painted on smile. I am not allowed to fully go through any other emotion.
I have come to understand that if you do not let yourself fully experience the emotions and “be yourself”, it can be damaging and create anxiety. I have so many scars- physically and mentally. I have no idea where to begin to try and explain them. My deepest scars aren’t even the ones I made with scissors but the ones done to me by someone who is supposed to love me unconditionally. Right now even trying to let my fingers type is causing tears to fog my vision. I have come so far from where I was. I truly despised myself and sometimes I still do. Before the scissors I used to pull my own hair, slap myself across the face, bite myself and cry out in a rage. That was the only way I could express myself and I figured I was such a screw up, bullied, unattractive, not wanted and sexually & mentally abused that no one listened or cared.
It felt as if I was in a room full of people that “loved me” but never would hear me cry. My voice and my screams were muted. Everyone was ignoring me and if I tried to speak I was silenced. Now I just suffer in silence to keep the “peace” that others want. This blog is the first step for me to understand and let myself experience emotions I have blocked out for so long.