Stuck

I don’t know what I want to talk about today. I wanted to avoid blogging but I decided it is best. This past Sunday was an ugly one for me. I can’t even say the word Sunday sometimes. I know I need to work on my trigger words- I haven’t yet.

But anyways… My husband really wants to be involved in our church. I do too at some point, but I can’t now. As soon as I go into church, around smiling, happy faces I feel like I have to be smiling and happy too. It is annoying and stressful- to pretend that everything is fine when it isn’t.

But let’s say I make it through that part. The part that really chokes me up is seeing everyone with their families, all sitting together. Babies, sisters, brothers, moms, dads, grandparents and so forth. It reminds me how for most of my life I truly felt rejected by one side of my family and of how my own mother doesn’t want me in her life.

I am too much of a trigger for her. I can’t see or spend time alone with my sisters. They are growing up without me. And not by my choice. It wouldn’t matter if I was the most perfect daughter in the world- she still wouldn’t want me there. I look like my dad. I am close to my dad. I went to live with him when I was 14. So in her mind I chose him over her. Which in reality I didn’t. I didn’t feel wanted or loved with her. I wanted to go somewhere where I was loved.

That part- I can never make it through because if I try- I can’t pretend I am happy at that point. I start to cry or frown, get jealous, mad, lonely, anxious. I then feel that pain of rejection for the rest of the week.

I decided I am going to try and go back to therapy. It won’t happen till probably next year because of my job but I will try. I have no idea how to face this. This past Sunday was ugly because I didn’t want to go and when someone pushes me to go- I get extremely hateful, snappy, depressed and angry.

I feel like a frightened dog that is cornered and afraid of confronting it head on. It also feels like no one understands. Sure they understand it for a little while, how I can struggle with this for a little while. But to struggle with this for 13+ years, people start to get less understanding and more pushy.

Even my own father says it’s like I am still 13 and stuck.

Emotional Numbness – PTSD

I don’t know exactly why at some points in my life I will become emotionally numb. Laying here in my bed this morning- I feel so numb and blocked. It is totally strange to me that sometimes when I think about situations I have been in or triggers- nothing happens. It’s like my brain doesn’t even process it. But then other days,if I think of something that triggers me, even just for a few minutes, I get so depressed, anxious or scared.

http://ptsdusa.org/what-is-ptsd/get-help/  is a website I just found. You might be able to copy and paste it into your browser if you can’t click on it here. This website breaks down PTSD into 3 categories of reactions.

1. Re-Experiencing Symptoms- Vivid flashbacks, panic attacks, thoughts, images with intense emotions and more.

2. Avoidance Symptoms- Avoiding certain people, situations, numbing yourself by drugs, food, feeling “dead inside”, distant from others including family and more.

3. Arousal Symptoms- Insomnia, jumpy, self harm, abandon God, fear of further trauma, poor memory and more.

I honestly feel like I am in a cycle of between these 3 stages. I hope this helps someone out there understand or bring clarity to your own situation. I can’t type much more about this without getting too upset for the rest of the day. Til next time.

PTSD-self-harm

 

Triggers Everywhere

I woke up this morning thinking this will be an excellent day.

I woke up and check Facebook, there is this feminist video that is going round and I decided to watch it. The video has little girls dressed up as princesses using the Fbomb to get their point across.

The little girls started talking about how 1 out of 5 women will end up being sexually assaulted. They kept saying the word rape. This is my trigger month. I am hyper sensitive to this month because this is when my rape happened.

Personally, I don’t want to talk to about it. I get too depressed and anxious. Sometimes it gets so bad I do not want to be at work. I work in retail so when I see strange men I don’t know, I get overwhelmed, which working in retail happens a lot.

There used to be a man that would come into my old job all the time that looked very similar to my rapist and I would go into an internal frenzy. So my question is- is it healthy to continue to let my body feel this way? Because I tend to block it out and push it away.

Granted my rape happened in 2006, but this is the first year I went to counseling and resurfaced all this stuff. People, even my family, don’t really understand why it affects me so much after it has been so long.

They don’t even understand why my abusive home memories still affect me the way they do either. My family, the ones I trust enough with this, just say “You should be over it by now”, “Why can’t you just get over it?” “Stop being a victim”, “I thought you’d fight more”…

Really? Come on! That just makes me want to cut myself all over again. Or just fall off the face of the earth and leave everything behind. I tell myself those things all the time. I just want to be heard. Talking about a sexual assault is still too taboo sometimes for normal conversation… so how do you know who you can confide in that can help you or just be there to listen?

How Do You Show Your Love?

Here I just made a promise to myself to blog more and our internet went out. Ha. Oh well, I didn’t want to take the time to sit down and blog today.. but I decided I might as well.

We just came back from a trip to my hometown and I have really thought about how my actions could have tarnished the relationship potential I could of had with my m. I am trying to uncover the truth and realize that I am not the only victim and my story isn’t the only one in this relationship.

Maybe my m. did the very best she could. Maybe she didn’t know how to show love because she was never shown it. Or maybe she just didn’t know how I wanted her love.

My husband does things for me to show his love. So when he isn’t romantic- it is not because he doesn’t love me but by helping me out with dishes, my car, cooking and cleaning- he is showing me that he loves me. How I show love is by wanting to be with him and making time for him and I to spend time together.

I think once we all take a step back and see how someone loves- it will make a big impact on how we interpret that love.

Changes

I have decided to make some changes.

I deleted some previous posts- not because I was ashamed of them but just because I don’t think they really quite fit in. I am thinking about changing the layout too to be easier and understandable.

I hope to start up my daily blogging again to help me really deal with some of the issues I face. Not seeing a therapist or having the time for one has effected me more than I thought.

Plus I don’t open up about these things barely anymore so not having a friend to talk to- this is the best thing I have right now.

I am up at 3am again. I was sleeping alright for awhile there but not anymore. I am not excited about dealing with some of my issues. I would rather TOTALLY AVOID IT! I tend to write things off and deny that they exist. Who wants me for who I truly am? A broken, depressed, unhappy, bottled up, angry, broken, sensitive girl?

Avoidance

I apologize to myself for not taking the time to deal with the anxiety, the depression and the memories of the past. For awhile now I have just been consuming myself with business to not think about how I feel. I get so tired of the past holding me down, making me cry or depressing me that I suppress it.

I also have been avoiding Jesus because going to him is just a reminder of the abuse. It is so easy for me to slip back into my depression. I have so many triggers it is unbelievable. So I  would rather be busy and not think about anything.

I don’t know what the correct answer is but I know in my heart if I wasn’t chained and heart broken- I would be happier and a better person.

As much as I want to deny it and not think about it not having my own mother love and want me truly defines me. It makes me feel so insecure and inadequate. It makes me question the motives of females that I know because my m. was so manipulative.

I am tired of this same old record playing. Dealing, crying, anger, avoiding, denying and repeat.

“Declined” a Trigger Word of Mine

Sorry I haven’t written in awhile. Lots of changes have been happening. I got promoted and have been so super busy. I wanted to talk about another trigger word that I have come across.

My husband and I were applying for a card to build some credit. I have never had credit before so getting a credit card could be a task. I maybe declined or not approved.

Anyways, sitting in the chair hearing the man say, “You maybe declined” or “You maybe not approved”, made me feel so trashy. He didn’t say it in any mean tone or with an additional meaning. He was just explaining what might happen and why. He doesn’t know me personally.

But just to think that I am not “approved” was devastating. Why wouldn’t the credit card company want me? Am I not good enough? Smart enough? Why wouldn’t I be approved?

I was sitting there just thinking of all these things. I realized just how much those two phrases really hurts my self esteem. I get depressed and sad just thinking about it now. Why am I not good enough? Why do I feel not good enough?

The same thing happens when I see a bigger woman than myself wearing tighter clothes. She looks nice, the clothes flatter her body shape and I think she looks perfectly fine and pretty. But if I wear something remotely the same or tight- I feel like a tub of fat ugly lard that no one should look at.

Just the other day I got my picture taken. I stood up straight, smiled and felt confident. I looked at the picture and all I saw was how small my head was compared to my large chest, my fat arms, and not so flat midsection. I felt like Beetlejuice when his head was shrunk.

I want to work out to become skinnier and I feel like that will truly help all my problems. My chest will go from a DD to a B/C, my muffin top will go away and I will finally have abs. I will finally feel good enough, worthy enough to enjoy life. But at the same time I am so torn- I want to love myself for who I am and where I am.

Hip Popping Syndrome Caused by Physical Abuse as a Child?

Have you heard of Hip Popping Syndrome? Maybe you have it and never knew it was a syndrome like I did. I literally have had it, (a popping, snapping, sometimes painful tendon grinding against my hip bone on both sides) ever since I can remember. AND ever since I can remember my mother made me run on the treadmill  every morning at 5 am because she wanted me to.

I have done a little research on this and I am so mad beyond type-able words. It is said that YOUNG athletes can develop this, along with repetitive vigorous exercise and girls/women are more prone to develop it.

But anyways back to the story. I recently met with my Pastor and I now have uncovered a true HATE for my mother. If you follow my blog and have read some of my stories, this is just another one to add to bucket of how she failed me as a mother.

She used to be fat in school. She had these huge thighs and she still does, very pear shape. So she would make ME run on the treadmill at least 1 mile under a certain time period. I would have to write my time on the calendar for her to approve. If I didn’t get up in time, didn’t go the distance, went past the time, or held onto the handle bars- I would get into trouble. Like not be able to go to school, or have to run more, kinda trouble.

A bitch with issues will be her name now. GEEZ! I am so sick and tired of finding out and realizing all the shit she did to me. And the best part is (not really), I can’t talk to anyone about it on that side or even to her because they all don’t believe it. I say the words I need to say to get over it. I can’t express my emotions, I can’t tell her I hate her, I can’t yell and scream at her because she wants nothing to do with me.

Maybe I was born with hip popping- I don’t know. But I can guarantee you- her abuse didn’t make it any better. I have so much anger with her. Like I said I met with my Pastor a couple weeks ago and he talked to me about forgiveness to let myself rest.

I want to forgive and move on and not be chained to the past anymore but it is kinda hard when “the bitch with issues” has caused me so much pain, mentally, physically, emotionally and sexually.

Can I sue her? lol

Sunday Trigger Words

Okay I am going to do this. Ugh I really really really do not want to do this but I promised myself and my husband that I would. I couldn’t go to ___ last week because of all my triggers. So I promised I work on associating good memories or neutral meaning with my trigger words so that maybe I can go this week.

 

My Faith Trigger Words:

Sunday

Church

Pray

Christian

He is Risen, He is Risen Indeed

In Jesus Name, Amen

Jesus

Jesus Christ

Meet and Greet

Certain Bible Stories are also a Trigger

Songs are triggers

Bible

Scriptures

(I have so much anxiety right now, I am shaking… it is hard to think)

 

The Hardest Hurt

I have been thinking this morning… After I emailed my ex and talked to him, I realized what one of the hardest hurts in life is. For me personally, it is someone who says they love me but all their actions point to no. And the fact that I have a gut feeling something is up or I don’t feel their love.

Anytime I try to confront them on the subject whether it is my first love/ex or my mother- I have never felt their love. I wouldn’t say I am sad because THEY don’t love me truly. I am sad and hurt because they always say they do, manipulate me into thinking they do but when I need them they are no where to be seen.

Now my ex is a thing of the past, I am just now able to deal with the reality of his lies. Our relationship is tied in with my sexual abuse since he helped me through it. My mother, of course, will always be apart of my life whether I like it or not.

But why would someone ever say they love me but not really mean it? That is such a deep rejection I cannot almost not even process it in my mind. Plus with me already having PTSD is not a good mix.

I get so sad thinking about how someone who is supposed to love me unconditionally, who helped create me doesn’t love or want me around. It makes me think something is totally wrong with me and then I go into people pleasing mode. I also try and conform to the crowd because I am not confident enough to be myself. Why be myself when I am always rejected by my own mother?

 

rejected red square  stamp