Going Back to Move Forward

Today is my first appointment to go back to see a counselor. I am pretty nervous considering it is a new person and that I will have to open up all over again. It feels like I have a pretty good handle on my feelings when there aren’t triggers around. But there seems to be always small triggers.

I hope it goes well today and that time doesn’t seem to go too fast like it normally does. Thankfully I have the day off to then relax afterwards. I normally try and have the day off because it makes it so much easier. I don’t worry about having to suck it all back in to make it to go to work.

Well see how it goes. I hope to keep this appointment and go for awhile. I know God is in control and I believe he made this happen. Hopefully it will continue.

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It’s been awhile since I posted on here. I just get this overwhelming feeling whenever I come back to this website. It means I think about my struggles that I have and how I don’t have anyone to confide in. I recommitted myself to my YT Channel. So far it is going well. But I still can’t help but feel like I don’t matter. In comparison to people who have millions upon millions of subscribers- I just have a couple thousand. I know I should be grateful, more so than I am right now. I just can’t help but feel High School emotions- I am not popular which draws back to no body wants me.

Nobody wants me because my own birth m. doesn’t want me. That insecurity runs so deep- I don’t even know how to combat it. I want to open up more on my channel about my pain- like I did here. The only downside is, YT is a very public place and my family would disown me more than they already do.

So why would I care? Well, it’s like trying to reach for the goal you can never get or like a beaten dog still loving and loyal to the abuser. I feel flawed and those flaws of mine have to be wiped away in order to be good enough to be wanted by that side of the family. I can’t think of anything else but how I can please them and what would happen if I don’t. I can’t stand to think of someone not liking me, someone talking badly about me to others, being ashamed of me. And there is also the HUGE fact of not being believed and being made to believe that I am the crazy one.

I don’t know if I say this alot on here or not but I wish so many times the world would just stop. I wish time would pause long enough for me to just go get help, heal and over this. When I start to let myself “feel”- the emotions drown me.

Can It Be Over Now?

I just turned in my two weeks at my current job. I find it so difficult to finish out my promise with all the stress. I haven’t had time to even enjoy my days off because of the store’s needs. I am not paid very and the schedule just changed. I have to work 6 days a week now. Thankfully it is only for two weeks I have to meet this requirement.

I haven’t had motivation to clean my house, get into a routine and I can’t sleep very well. My mind wakes up with things to do. I just learned yesterday that I had to cut over 40 hours of help during this week, which is also Black Friday week, that is ludicrous!

I feel like most corporate places now expect more work but will pay or hire less. They expect tasks to take an hour or so when in reality it could take a few hours with the right person. Since when has money and stupidity taken over the world? Unrealistic expectations, short deadlines, unworkable payroll, lazy staff (because they don’t get paid much) and not to mention dealing with customers and helping them, all at the same time.

I took this job because I needed the experience, plus a Store Manager title looks good on my resume. But golly! I really do like retail and also managing, I promise. I understand some of this will come with the turf (don’t get me started on working on holidays), but sometimes I just shake my head and want to scream.

Maybe if we all didn’t bust our butts to get it done the “corporate world” would see how unrealistic they were and backed off a little. Oh you’re right, probably not. They would just say NEXT! I feel like America needs a HUGE wakeup call.

We need to stop outsourcing our jobs, pay people better, give better benefits, respect holidays, religious and family commitments. I think the “corporate world” has got to go. There is no need for CEOs to make hundreds of thousands of dollars by just attending meetings or whatever they do while their employees can’t have healthcare or pay their bills. I respect managers who work in the mud with me. Who help get the job done.

I wish I could change the world and make it a better place. I absolutely hate working. I know it has to be done, so I do it, but I hate it. Why would I want to work almost all my life and miss out on so much time with my family? It doesn’t make sense does it? You work to have a life but you can’t have a life because you work. lol. Bleh.

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Stuck

I don’t know what I want to talk about today. I wanted to avoid blogging but I decided it is best. This past Sunday was an ugly one for me. I can’t even say the word Sunday sometimes. I know I need to work on my trigger words- I haven’t yet.

But anyways… My husband really wants to be involved in our church. I do too at some point, but I can’t now. As soon as I go into church, around smiling, happy faces I feel like I have to be smiling and happy too. It is annoying and stressful- to pretend that everything is fine when it isn’t.

But let’s say I make it through that part. The part that really chokes me up is seeing everyone with their families, all sitting together. Babies, sisters, brothers, moms, dads, grandparents and so forth. It reminds me how for most of my life I truly felt rejected by one side of my family and of how my own mother doesn’t want me in her life.

I am too much of a trigger for her. I can’t see or spend time alone with my sisters. They are growing up without me. And not by my choice. It wouldn’t matter if I was the most perfect daughter in the world- she still wouldn’t want me there. I look like my dad. I am close to my dad. I went to live with him when I was 14. So in her mind I chose him over her. Which in reality I didn’t. I didn’t feel wanted or loved with her. I wanted to go somewhere where I was loved.

That part- I can never make it through because if I try- I can’t pretend I am happy at that point. I start to cry or frown, get jealous, mad, lonely, anxious. I then feel that pain of rejection for the rest of the week.

I decided I am going to try and go back to therapy. It won’t happen till probably next year because of my job but I will try. I have no idea how to face this. This past Sunday was ugly because I didn’t want to go and when someone pushes me to go- I get extremely hateful, snappy, depressed and angry.

I feel like a frightened dog that is cornered and afraid of confronting it head on. It also feels like no one understands. Sure they understand it for a little while, how I can struggle with this for a little while. But to struggle with this for 13+ years, people start to get less understanding and more pushy.

Even my own father says it’s like I am still 13 and stuck.

Emotional Numbness – PTSD

I don’t know exactly why at some points in my life I will become emotionally numb. Laying here in my bed this morning- I feel so numb and blocked. It is totally strange to me that sometimes when I think about situations I have been in or triggers- nothing happens. It’s like my brain doesn’t even process it. But then other days,if I think of something that triggers me, even just for a few minutes, I get so depressed, anxious or scared.

http://ptsdusa.org/what-is-ptsd/get-help/  is a website I just found. You might be able to copy and paste it into your browser if you can’t click on it here. This website breaks down PTSD into 3 categories of reactions.

1. Re-Experiencing Symptoms- Vivid flashbacks, panic attacks, thoughts, images with intense emotions and more.

2. Avoidance Symptoms- Avoiding certain people, situations, numbing yourself by drugs, food, feeling “dead inside”, distant from others including family and more.

3. Arousal Symptoms- Insomnia, jumpy, self harm, abandon God, fear of further trauma, poor memory and more.

I honestly feel like I am in a cycle of between these 3 stages. I hope this helps someone out there understand or bring clarity to your own situation. I can’t type much more about this without getting too upset for the rest of the day. Til next time.

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Triggers Everywhere

I woke up this morning thinking this will be an excellent day.

I woke up and check Facebook, there is this feminist video that is going round and I decided to watch it. The video has little girls dressed up as princesses using the Fbomb to get their point across.

The little girls started talking about how 1 out of 5 women will end up being sexually assaulted. They kept saying the word rape. This is my trigger month. I am hyper sensitive to this month because this is when my rape happened.

Personally, I don’t want to talk to about it. I get too depressed and anxious. Sometimes it gets so bad I do not want to be at work. I work in retail so when I see strange men I don’t know, I get overwhelmed, which working in retail happens a lot.

There used to be a man that would come into my old job all the time that looked very similar to my rapist and I would go into an internal frenzy. So my question is- is it healthy to continue to let my body feel this way? Because I tend to block it out and push it away.

Granted my rape happened in 2006, but this is the first year I went to counseling and resurfaced all this stuff. People, even my family, don’t really understand why it affects me so much after it has been so long.

They don’t even understand why my abusive home memories still affect me the way they do either. My family, the ones I trust enough with this, just say “You should be over it by now”, “Why can’t you just get over it?” “Stop being a victim”, “I thought you’d fight more”…

Really? Come on! That just makes me want to cut myself all over again. Or just fall off the face of the earth and leave everything behind. I tell myself those things all the time. I just want to be heard. Talking about a sexual assault is still too taboo sometimes for normal conversation… so how do you know who you can confide in that can help you or just be there to listen?

How Do You Show Your Love?

Here I just made a promise to myself to blog more and our internet went out. Ha. Oh well, I didn’t want to take the time to sit down and blog today.. but I decided I might as well.

We just came back from a trip to my hometown and I have really thought about how my actions could have tarnished the relationship potential I could of had with my m. I am trying to uncover the truth and realize that I am not the only victim and my story isn’t the only one in this relationship.

Maybe my m. did the very best she could. Maybe she didn’t know how to show love because she was never shown it. Or maybe she just didn’t know how I wanted her love.

My husband does things for me to show his love. So when he isn’t romantic- it is not because he doesn’t love me but by helping me out with dishes, my car, cooking and cleaning- he is showing me that he loves me. How I show love is by wanting to be with him and making time for him and I to spend time together.

I think once we all take a step back and see how someone loves- it will make a big impact on how we interpret that love.