The Changed Relationship

Have you ever been really good friends with someone and then BAM it just changes? I have always thought too much or looked into things too much. But I really wonder why some people intimidate me one day and the next everything is fine. What is the deal?

I am intimidated by groups of people, loud people, abrasive people and people that look angry. It sounds silly but no matter how accomplished or self confident- I dwindle back into a puddle of insecurity. I feel like a dog exposing it’s belly to the alpha.

I have been doing some research and I guess I feel this way because subconsciously I feel threatened and in danger. They compared it to seeing s grizzly bear. And also an interesting fact is I subconsciously believe fear that I am not “deserving”.

I am going to try and practice 3 steps.

1. Seeing myself for who I am and accurately. I need to see myself as a strong independent person and  that no one can hurt me.

2. I need to see the other person accurately. They could be battling a fear that they aren’t good enough. Just because someone thinks I am the bad guy doesn’t mean I am. What is driving them? I shouldn’t take it so personally.

I have to un-train my mind that people do things for a personal attack towards me. My mother, everything she did to me was personal. When I see the people for who they are I will grow more compassionate and wise.

3. Forgive them and choose to validate them.

Focusing on love will diminish my fear, or at least I hope.

“I Will Pray for You”- Why that Triggers my Anxiety

I met with my Pastor yesterday and he gave me some insight and some hard challenges. I will talk more about it when I am up for it but right now I will just keep it brief. One of the things that has always caused anxiety for me is my Trigger words that take me back to my Spiritual force fed abuse from my mother (that I still get).

My pastor gave me the challenge to think of a new happy memory and attach it to those words, give the word either a new meaning or say something different completely. He explained to me that every word we know, that I know, is neutral. We attach, I attach, specific meanings and memories to it.

For example, some words I cannot stand to hear. It urks me, it makes my blood boil and hatred to rise up in me. One of those words is PRAY. I hate that word. When I think of PRAY I think of the hypocrisy people use (my mother included) to “pray for you”. Some of the meanest people say that, “Well bless your heart, I will pray for you.” When you have done nothing wrong. I feel that there is a double meaning attached to that word and it isn’t meant to be sincere.

Instead of saying pray, prayer, praying.. I will refer it to as “talking to God” or “talk to Him”. That is essentially what I am doing anyways. I am just taking out the trigger word. Even just typing the word or thinking of the memories attached to the word “pray” makes me want to punch someone.

That is all the brain power I have today. I am hoping to make a list of words that trigger me in the next couple posts… but the issue with that is I don’t like being triggered. lol

How To Get Rid of Insecurity, Fear, Doubt & Worry

This answer is easy. Give it to Christ. Jesus Christ.

I become insecure because I feel ignored, under-appreciated and I can’t control the future. Fear sinks in because of my insecurity and lack of control I have over my life. I doubt because I have serious trust issues. I always “do it myself” because I don’t trust others to do it the “right way”. I worry because I don’t have faith that things will work out according to “my plan”.

When you turn everything over to Christ, your life, your worries, your happiness- that hole inside your heart is rushed with peace and comfort. For me it worked instantly. Once I started focusing on how much Jesus loves me- I didn’t and don’t feel so insignificant.

Fear is a deep dark thing and when you invite light that shines into fear- your worries become clearer. My worries are that life isn’t going to go the way we planned. I doubt because I wasn’t trusting Jesus. Jesus Christ never breaks a promise to those who love, trust, obey and serve Him. His plan is and will ALWAYS better than anything I can come up with. I can’t control the future- He can.

For example, we have been waiting 4/5 years to get into a school. This has what happened in those 4/5 years:

Year 1: My job was horrible. It paid the bills but I eventually had to leave because the boss was stealing money from me and the company. I worked there almost a year and turns out after I left that store was shut down. I would of been out of a full time job.

Our marriage was rocky for the first couple of years. He was still finishing up school and I was trying to get used to the fact the weight of providing was on my shoulders.

Year 2: I tried starting my own business selling Mary Kay. It wasn’t stable enough and created some problems with my marriage. I was pressured to keep getting inventory and that was using up our extra cash. I had a dream I would go far but the reality was it just wasn’t working out. Plus my Director (who I love) also stepped out of Mary Kay. That meant I was to be switched to a different unit where I did NOT like the other Director and it was farther away.

I would have not of been able to provide for him, for us, on that income.

Year 3: We moved a couple hours away to be closer to a school he was applying to. I had gotten a job as an Assistant Store Manager. That store was dreadful! We were written up for any theft that happened in the store from customers (because we were supposed to be able to stop them). The boss was so back stabbing. Plus we were scaled on sales (but didn’t get commission) and if you didn’t make it for 4 months straight- you were fired.

My jobs were so inconsistent- I wouldn’t of been able to stably provide.

Year 4: I got a dream job working at a Vet’s Office. I loved it and would of worked their happily for years. But I only stayed 11 months. The office manager (who hired me) left and hired another girl (who has never been a manager) to take her place. At first it was fine. Over time, that place was so busy though they didn’t have time to properly train me. I learned as I went. It was challenging. I had to restrain the animals for the doctor so they didn’t get bit.

During this time I was having so much pain internally I would have to miss work. I wouldn’t know what was going on. I would be fine one day and then the next I wouldn’t be able to walk. I went to a doctor and turns out I needed surgery.

I have Endometriosis. It’s a female condition and if it is left untreated it would have sterilized me from having children. I had to have 3 procedures done at the same time to “clear” me from everything. I had to be put on a certain birth control that minimizes the growth. It is an incurable disease that always grows back but for right now I am okay.

That surgery cost a pretty penny. Our insurance took care of most of it but our deductible was $5000. We were able to pay it off in just under a year and STILL making school payments (for his undergrad).

I would not of been able to support my husband through his extensive 2 year schooling when I needed surgery and in was in so much pain. We would of drown in debt.

Year 5: (Our current year) I am working a stable job where I am hoping to climb the ladder. And also I got hired in at just the right time to be able to transfer to a different state if need be. He also got out of CNA, which he hated, and is working at a job he loves and it pays very well.

Ever since I was 16 I have had the same car. It has been 10 years. Over the past couple years I have become more suicidal, depressed and anxious. I was sexually assaulted in that car and it always breaks down or needs something done.

One morning the pain was just too much to bare and I called a hotline. The lady I spoke to was actually near my area and provided free counseling to trauma victims. I started going. At first it was so hard to open up about it. But now I am so much healthier, my relationships are better and we were able to sell the car! 😀

I have a newer car that is better on gas, has cruise control, sun roof, 5 years newer and she is so cute! I love my new car. We were able to pay for her in cash. NO DEBT! 🙂
SO this car is able to travel distances if we have to move and won’t break down. Everything works just perfectly. Plus it is the same make and model as my husband’s car so the maintenance is easy. We just have to buy double. Another blessing is that my insurance was only raised $1.

****************

That is just to give you examples of how Christ’s plan is better. If hubby would of been accepted into school the first year we were waiting- I wouldn’t have a job. I would eventually have so much pain from the Endometriosis- I would have to have surgery. My car would break down. I would resent him for having the responsibility put on all my shoulders. No money saved up. I would be depressed, harming myself and still having nightmares from the sexual assault. Plus my relationships with friends, family, authority figures, strangers and women would all be “unfixed”.

I wouldn’t be healthy, happy, free of debt, worry or pain. God is good.

Not Always So Nice Part 2

Yesterday was just a horrible mental day for me. These past couple weeks have been. I drove into work, pulled into the parking lot and I had had enough. I was so drained, cranky, worried and selfish I couldn’t take it anymore.

I bowed my head and prayed. I prayed for God to forgive me for my horrible attitude and to just take all my worries away. It worked. I still have them but they aren’t so dominate in my life. I know He has a plan and we have been taken care of so far- my hub and I will work on whatever together.

I never want to leave him. I love him. But I guess when you feel frustrated in life and stuck, the “what ifs” and “life isn’t fair” thoughts start creeping into your mind.

That is really the first time I have sincerely prayed every since my struggles with Sunday. I have begun listening to a Christian Radio Station again and that is just reminding me so much of God’s love. It is also reminding me of just how important I am to Him. I surrender to him because I don’t want to worry about it. I surrender it to Him because he will take better care of me than anyone else, including myself.

I am meeting with my Pastor this week to talk about my struggles and to get some advice about my Sunday Triggers.

Not Always So Nice

I have a horrible habit of not always being so nice. Cranky is UGLY on me. Sometimes it is what happens at work and I take it home or vice versa. I wish I could always have a positive attitude. I wish I didn’t always feel like I have to defend myself.

I really want to work on it and be more easy going. I really do. If I could just let things roll off my shoulder- it would be so much better. I can’t stand it when people don’t do their job and I have to pick up the slack. I hate sometimes living with my in-laws because of no privacy and daily interruptions. I hate waiting to see if my husband will be accepted to a master’s program. We have been waiting 4 years now.

We have talked about it and I know if he does get accepted our life will be blessed. I get that. But I am getting so tired of living with someone else, always waiting and not moving forward. I really really hope he gets accepted for next year because at the soonest that’s still 3 more years of waiting. I will be in my 30s by the time that finish date comes around IF it even is that he is accepted this year.

That will be 7-8 years we will be married and 6-7 of those we will have been living with someone, waiting. Which we have saved a lot of money. I had to undergo surgery last year- that is now paid off. And this year I got a much needed newer car which is also paid off. So we have already been blessed. He has a wonderful good paying job and I am trying to work my up the ladder at my workplace.

I know God has a plan for us. But I am so aggravated and that comes out other places I suppose. I am so tired of being woken up by squeaks and walking our bedroom ceiling (we live in the basement underneath the kitchen). I am so tired sometimes of just having to make conversation in the morning when sometimes I want to be left alone. We have been here 2 years already.

I try to remember all the blessings. But my husband and I got married quick because it was seemed like he was going to move to a different state and go to school that following spring or fall. And it was made out to me that he couldn’t have any “distractions” while in school. I loved him and I didn’t want to do long distance so we got married right before he graduated on Christmas break.

We agree now that we were a little too young but not that we shouldn’t of gotten married. I sound so very selfish but what kind of life is it to put your spouse through years of waiting? I will have wasted my whole entire 20s waiting on him to be able to go to school and then get through the 2 or 3 year program, find a job and then start our life. What about kids? I don’t want to pop them out like bang bang bang. We haven’t even had a honeymoon because we couldn’t afford it.

Like I said I know God has a plan for us and I am trying to trust him but I am failing miserably. I would of loved for him to have already been going to school and OUT this year. I really don’t want to think like I have been thinking because it’s not all about me. And my hubby has been waiting just as long, just as disappointed if not more that he is still not getting interviews to the schools he is applying to.

He did hear from a school this year, he made it past round 1 but there are 2 more rounds before they even consider to accept him. His school credits are going to expire within the next couple years, we don’t have too much time left. We have a plan B and it is a good one but he wants to wait until he can no longer apply to master’s school before he starts plan B. And plan B is still another 2 years of schooling just a different route.

I am about to rip all my hair out just talking about it! I would go to school but I didn’t finish college so I would have about 4 years to do and I don’t want to spend that much time to get a degree and then have babies, be on maternity leave so frequently, and then quit to stay at home to raise them. It doesn’t make sense. I looked at even 2 year degrees and I can’t. Not until we know if he is accepted or not because we might have to move to a different state.

I am so defeated. I am not a patient person anyways. Our life has been hanging into balance for years and I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I just see more years go by, wasted.

The Email to the Ex

“Another reason why I left you (besides you breaking my heart and embarrassing me) is because I suspected you cheated on me after we just started dating. And I didn’t believe your reasoning for leaving me, “being scared”. It sounds like a line to me and to this day it still pisses me off to be frank. I had a gut feeling that you never actually loved me. If you did why did you let me go? Why didn’t you regret it and come fight for me? Fight for us? I was so extremely hurt and heart broken. I was completely in love with you and to not feel loved back and cheated on- I don’t wish that on anyone.

I still to this day don’t believe what you say. I just put up with it because it is comforting to believe instead of looking at the hard truth. You didn’t want me. I was easy to let go of. I was fully rejected. My love wasn’t enough. How you treated me when I was there later, you didn’t talk to me, look at me and you straight out avoided me. I can still feel the pain to this day and I am done with it. I have tried to keep our conversations to a minimum but I can’t let this slide. You asked me and I finally have the guts to tell you the truth.

You asked me if I would of stayed with you if we would of stayed together… Honestly- probably not considering how you treated me. I told you yes because I would of liked to believe that was true. I would of liked to believe that we could of worked through those issues. But in order to do that you would of had to fight to show me that you did truly love me and that I could trust you. And you never did.

I don’t really expect you to care, I mean after all you are getting married next year and I am married to someone else now… but I am the type of person that can’t leave stuff unsaid no matter if someone wants to see it or not. I have a respect for you because you were there for me in very hard times and you comforted me after my sexual assault. I also feel really bad for how I did treat you and purposely hurt you. I was just trying to make you feel the pain I felt from you and that was wrong. I apologized for that.

All I wanted was your heart because I had given you mine completely. I know we had something at one point- it was real but then YOU changed.

This is me taking back my heart and standing up for myself.”

I sent this because he asked me why and I half answered the question. I want to be honest with him and myself. I want to break away from the fantasy and really look down deep. He isn’t a regret or someone I should of been with for the rest of my life- he is the exact opposite from what I deserve. Thank goodness I have a husband that doesn’t do any of this to me. Cowboy and I tried at least 3 times to make it work and it never did. I was never truthful with myself about why we didn’t work. I buried it deep down and inside. I just uncovered it and I want to never forget the real reason.

I don’t care if he responds or not. I don’t care if he cares or not. I am just over it. I should of said these things a long time ago. My guilt is gone, my “what if” is gone and the fantasy is gone- ABOUT TIME!

How It Starts

Contacting Cowboy has really put me through the ringer. We finished our conversation yesterday with some questions he wanted me to answer. One of them was “Why did you leave me?”. I forgot to tell him because he cheated the first time we tried dating, he never admitted it during that time. But the main reason was because of his lack of maturity and after he broke my heart I couldn’t  give it back to him.

After this conversation I thanked him for talking with me and that this was helping a lot. He then began to say it was hurting him because he tried to forget all of this. I felt extremely horrible. Of course! How wouldn’t it hurt him? I don’t know if he considers me “the one that got away” or not. I didn’t ask him. He did tell me that if things were different (I wasn’t married, he didn’t have a baby or fiancé) he’d want to try again.

I kinda expected that. Not to sound arrogant but what we had reminds me of the movie the Notebook sometimes. We weren’t all lovey dovey infatuated with each other, we had something special.

We first met at a rodeo. I was there with one of my girlfriends, walking along when all of a sudden a rope was wrapped around me for no reason. I turned around and there he was, on his horse, rope in hand and around me. He pulled me in close. Sounds amazingly romantic right? That is exactly how it happened, I was so intrigued by how forward he was. But as he pulled me in close he didn’t say a word. He just kept staring at me. His friend was talking to me but he didn’t say anything.

The whole couple minutes I was there, roped, Cowboy never said a word. It got awkward so I unroped myself and left. I didn’t see him at all the rest of the night even though I tried searching for him. I didn’t even get his name I don’t think. My best friend went and got his number somehow and I didn’t know it. I was in the car getting ready to go home. She gave me his number and I put it away.

A year later. YES A YEAR! I found that number when I was going through some stuff of mine. I thought, Hey what the heck- just give it a try. I didn’t know if he would of kept the same number or not. I got the courage and called. He answered. And he remembered me.

He was actually in a different state for awhile going to school or something. And we talked for a whole year. I can’t really remember the progress after that but we made such a strong emotional connection. I knew everything about him and he knew everything about me. We could speak milestones without saying a but just a few words. I turned to him and he turned to me.

 

I can still remember how it felt when he would look at me. I remember how it was to kiss him. I still remember our song. I remember how he hugged me so tightly. I remember how we slow danced to our song at my Winter Formal. I remember his goofy laugh. I remember his sweet voice calling me darlin’. I remember the comfort he gave me after I’d have a hard day or nightmares. I remember him. Now enough of the “easy stuff to remember about my ex”. This is what I also remember:

I remember what it felt like when he cheated on me (long story, I think alcohol was involved), what it felt like when he was immature and embarrassed me. I remember what it felt like him shutting me out. I remember what it was like when I laid in his bed next to him- ready to marry him if he asked and  he got up and walked out on us because he was too scared. I remember what it was like when he wouldn’t look at me. I remember how scared I was to fully trust him. I remember how he’d get up and leave the room if I walked in. I remember what it was like when Cowboy shattered my heart. I remember how he left me and never came back.

There is a reason we didn’t work out and it wasn’t all him. I was a huge part to blame.

So anyways- after our conversation it was so easy to remember the great things and slip back into old emotions. So watch out if you talk to your ex! I told him I couldn’t be friends with him because everything comes flooding back and it’s not fair for my husband or healthy for me. And that was that.

Now the hard part- telling my husband. I called my dad and asked him how he got over his first love. I looked up some more articles and surveys. I found out that a whole 88% of married people have pondered at least once what it would be like if they were single, or without kids, or with an ex, in the privacy of their own mind. So thank goodness I am not crazy! Cowboy is my what if.

I have also come to realized with my last entry that my heart has never healed. My husband is the closest one ever to it besides Cowboy. I am selfish in nature, I think about me and what will be good for me or what I want to do, or need. I even used to think of our money separately (my money and his money) and that I was entitled to mine and he wasn’t. Now don’t get me wrong I am not a horrible unloving wife- these are subconscious actions and thoughts. I come across as lazy. I love him, I just never had the desire to do things for him for the sake of doing it. I did things for me and my future.

The longest relationship I ever had before my husband was maybe 2 or 3 months. MAX. Even Cowboy and I didn’t make it a full month I don’t think of exclusive dating but we were on and off for 3, maybe more years.

That is what I told my husband. I told him how I feel like I am selfish, my heart isn’t fully healed and I am reserved. Tears started making my eyes foggy as I told him how much I had been hurt. And how I learned to guard my heart because of abusive mother. I told him I was sorry and that I hope this didn’t hurt him. I told him the conversation between Cowboy and I. I told him everything. And I ended with a list I made for him.

The list was titled, I Love You More Because… and I would list my reasons why I loved him more than Cowboy. I only got about 6 down on the page before he came home. But I am going to write myself a copy so that when I am tempted to paint Cowboy in a romantic, dreamy light- that I see how great of my husband is and how much better he is to me than Cowboy was. One of the reasons why I love my husband more than Cowboy, is because my husband fought for me. He didn’t just leave or give up, he fought hard for me and for us.

I am my husband’s first love. He only had one other girlfriend before me and didn’t really like her. I wish I could be the same and give him the same as I gave Cowboy. There is just something about your first. I can’t explain it. But there is also something about a man that loves every part of you, accepts you for who you are, the bad, ugly and the good and who won’t leave your side no matter what.

The Answer

It turns out the reason why Cowboy and I didn’t work out was because it wasn’t meant to be. Normally I am the type of girl that has a hard time moving, I always think of  “what if”s in my life. Cowboy had been there for after my rape, he actually would help me when I would wake up from night terrors. I could call him no matter what time of night and he would be there.

So to have a bitter end was always hard for me. I wouldn’t say because I am still in love with him because that is not true. It’s because what he has helped me through in my life as a friend. When someone comforts you through some pretty bad stuff you kinda “latch on” (is my way of putting it).

I think it is because of my abusive home life- I am dependable on other people. I couldn’t really stand up for myself. My self confidence came from how others desired me. My worth came from being wanted by boys or approval from authority figures. It’s like boys were my drug and I had to have it.

I dated lots of guys growing up and I think a little piece of me is still stuck in that “survival mode” with each and every relationship. I don’t know how to properly grieve, I never have. Even at funerals I will be numb completely until a few months to years later it hits me. Then I break down.

I want to be able to feel again. I want to give my hubby my whole heart. It doesn’t help that we (hubby an I) have a history of cheating on each other when we were dating. We both have forgiven each other and have moved on. But have I really, subconsciously? Or I am still holding back to not be completely invested. I believe I had to hold my heart back when I was a child from my mother.

Her demeaning comments, yells, screams, punishments, hits, attitude would always make me feel unwanted and guarded. I am not trying to put the blame on her but I believe this is where I learned to guard my heart. And then all my failed relationships were because my heart wasn’t there completely.

I am trying to learn how to heal my heart, get rid of my “what if”s and the guilt, move on, grieve and piece back together my heart.

Guilt from Past Relationships

I always blog about what I am going through and recently I have been facing a guilt from how I treated an ex boyfriend of mine. We weren’t so nice to each other at some points. Probably because of immaturity, confusion, jealously and I don’t know what else.

I have had this guilt for some time and it comes and gos. I dated his best friend just to get back at him for ditching me. (I know super horrible) We had years of on and off again. He was the first to have my heart and I think he still does have a part of it. Not that I would leave my husband for him at all, my husband is wonderful and what we have is amazing. But you always remember your first.

Anyways I feel so badly for how much I intentionally hurt him. I have wanted for years to tell him I am sorry but I never keep contact with exes. There is just too much temptation to hash out the old feelings and get caught up in the past.

Plus this guy, we will call him Cowboy, Cowboy ditched me after our relationship got really serious without a word. I would of married him then and there if he would of asked me to but instead he ditched me and never spoke to me again. Pretty confusing after our years of friendship and off/on again relationship.

I read an article online that if you feel so guilty about how you treated someone let them know you are sorry. BUT don’t do it for your own selfish benefit. Just apologize and move on with your life. Some people might not respond, or want to hear it, or not take you seriously if it ended really bad.

Thankfully Cowboy accepted my apology and I feel a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. So now when ever I am reminded of him- I would have that huge flood of guilt wash over me. It was nice while it lasted but we weren’t meant to be.

It’s hard to give your heart to someone else whole. I am still trying to understand and just trying to give my husband my whole heart. I feel like some of me is reserved and still out for my best interest. I don’t know how to shake it out of me. I have to learn that I can trust, subconsciously learn.

Love is not a feeling 100% of the time, love is a choice.

No Show

As you can probably guess by the title my mother and my sisters were a no show at the family event that we went to yesterday. I was a bit hurt to not see my sisters but I honestly wasn’t surprised. My “mother” loves playing the victim and being a drama queen. If she would of been there internally I would of loved to express my emotions to her from hurt, sad, unwanted, mad and much more confusing ones. But I would of played nice.

I feel like now I will be that girl on the Doctor Phil show wanted to reconnect with my estranged sisters I haven’t seen in 10 years. I has maybe been 1 year since I have seen them and there has always been some form of contact. I just spoke to 2 out of the 3 on their birthdays earlier this year.

Deep down inside if I can be completely honest. I have such joy when I see my sisters but is it worth the pain and suffering to see my “mother” too (since they are not allowed to leave her sight/side).

It is a cost I have paid for for years and I am done paying that price.