How To Get Rid of Insecurity, Fear, Doubt & Worry

This answer is easy. Give it to Christ. Jesus Christ.

I become insecure because I feel ignored, under-appreciated and I can’t control the future. Fear sinks in because of my insecurity and lack of control I have over my life. I doubt because I have serious trust issues. I always “do it myself” because I don’t trust others to do it the “right way”. I worry because I don’t have faith that things will work out according to “my plan”.

When you turn everything over to Christ, your life, your worries, your happiness- that hole inside your heart is rushed with peace and comfort. For me it worked instantly. Once I started focusing on how much Jesus loves me- I didn’t and don’t feel so insignificant.

Fear is a deep dark thing and when you invite light that shines into fear- your worries become clearer. My worries are that life isn’t going to go the way we planned. I doubt because I wasn’t trusting Jesus. Jesus Christ never breaks a promise to those who love, trust, obey and serve Him. His plan is and will ALWAYS better than anything I can come up with. I can’t control the future- He can.

For example, we have been waiting 4/5 years to get into a school. This has what happened in those 4/5 years:

Year 1: My job was horrible. It paid the bills but I eventually had to leave because the boss was stealing money from me and the company. I worked there almost a year and turns out after I left that store was shut down. I would of been out of a full time job.

Our marriage was rocky for the first couple of years. He was still finishing up school and I was trying to get used to the fact the weight of providing was on my shoulders.

Year 2: I tried starting my own business selling Mary Kay. It wasn’t stable enough and created some problems with my marriage. I was pressured to keep getting inventory and that was using up our extra cash. I had a dream I would go far but the reality was it just wasn’t working out. Plus my Director (who I love) also stepped out of Mary Kay. That meant I was to be switched to a different unit where I did NOT like the other Director and it was farther away.

I would have not of been able to provide for him, for us, on that income.

Year 3: We moved a couple hours away to be closer to a school he was applying to. I had gotten a job as an Assistant Store Manager. That store was dreadful! We were written up for any theft that happened in the store from customers (because we were supposed to be able to stop them). The boss was so back stabbing. Plus we were scaled on sales (but didn’t get commission) and if you didn’t make it for 4 months straight- you were fired.

My jobs were so inconsistent- I wouldn’t of been able to stably provide.

Year 4: I got a dream job working at a Vet’s Office. I loved it and would of worked their happily for years. But I only stayed 11 months. The office manager (who hired me) left and hired another girl (who has never been a manager) to take her place. At first it was fine. Over time, that place was so busy though they didn’t have time to properly train me. I learned as I went. It was challenging. I had to restrain the animals for the doctor so they didn’t get bit.

During this time I was having so much pain internally I would have to miss work. I wouldn’t know what was going on. I would be fine one day and then the next I wouldn’t be able to walk. I went to a doctor and turns out I needed surgery.

I have Endometriosis. It’s a female condition and if it is left untreated it would have sterilized me from having children. I had to have 3 procedures done at the same time to “clear” me from everything. I had to be put on a certain birth control that minimizes the growth. It is an incurable disease that always grows back but for right now I am okay.

That surgery cost a pretty penny. Our insurance took care of most of it but our deductible was $5000. We were able to pay it off in just under a year and STILL making school payments (for his undergrad).

I would not of been able to support my husband through his extensive 2 year schooling when I needed surgery and in was in so much pain. We would of drown in debt.

Year 5: (Our current year) I am working a stable job where I am hoping to climb the ladder. And also I got hired in at just the right time to be able to transfer to a different state if need be. He also got out of CNA, which he hated, and is working at a job he loves and it pays very well.

Ever since I was 16 I have had the same car. It has been 10 years. Over the past couple years I have become more suicidal, depressed and anxious. I was sexually assaulted in that car and it always breaks down or needs something done.

One morning the pain was just too much to bare and I called a hotline. The lady I spoke to was actually near my area and provided free counseling to trauma victims. I started going. At first it was so hard to open up about it. But now I am so much healthier, my relationships are better and we were able to sell the car! 😀

I have a newer car that is better on gas, has cruise control, sun roof, 5 years newer and she is so cute! I love my new car. We were able to pay for her in cash. NO DEBT! 🙂
SO this car is able to travel distances if we have to move and won’t break down. Everything works just perfectly. Plus it is the same make and model as my husband’s car so the maintenance is easy. We just have to buy double. Another blessing is that my insurance was only raised $1.

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That is just to give you examples of how Christ’s plan is better. If hubby would of been accepted into school the first year we were waiting- I wouldn’t have a job. I would eventually have so much pain from the Endometriosis- I would have to have surgery. My car would break down. I would resent him for having the responsibility put on all my shoulders. No money saved up. I would be depressed, harming myself and still having nightmares from the sexual assault. Plus my relationships with friends, family, authority figures, strangers and women would all be “unfixed”.

I wouldn’t be healthy, happy, free of debt, worry or pain. God is good.

Not Always So Nice Part 2

Yesterday was just a horrible mental day for me. These past couple weeks have been. I drove into work, pulled into the parking lot and I had had enough. I was so drained, cranky, worried and selfish I couldn’t take it anymore.

I bowed my head and prayed. I prayed for God to forgive me for my horrible attitude and to just take all my worries away. It worked. I still have them but they aren’t so dominate in my life. I know He has a plan and we have been taken care of so far- my hub and I will work on whatever together.

I never want to leave him. I love him. But I guess when you feel frustrated in life and stuck, the “what ifs” and “life isn’t fair” thoughts start creeping into your mind.

That is really the first time I have sincerely prayed every since my struggles with Sunday. I have begun listening to a Christian Radio Station again and that is just reminding me so much of God’s love. It is also reminding me of just how important I am to Him. I surrender to him because I don’t want to worry about it. I surrender it to Him because he will take better care of me than anyone else, including myself.

I am meeting with my Pastor this week to talk about my struggles and to get some advice about my Sunday Triggers.

Not Always So Nice

I have a horrible habit of not always being so nice. Cranky is UGLY on me. Sometimes it is what happens at work and I take it home or vice versa. I wish I could always have a positive attitude. I wish I didn’t always feel like I have to defend myself.

I really want to work on it and be more easy going. I really do. If I could just let things roll off my shoulder- it would be so much better. I can’t stand it when people don’t do their job and I have to pick up the slack. I hate sometimes living with my in-laws because of no privacy and daily interruptions. I hate waiting to see if my husband will be accepted to a master’s program. We have been waiting 4 years now.

We have talked about it and I know if he does get accepted our life will be blessed. I get that. But I am getting so tired of living with someone else, always waiting and not moving forward. I really really hope he gets accepted for next year because at the soonest that’s still 3 more years of waiting. I will be in my 30s by the time that finish date comes around IF it even is that he is accepted this year.

That will be 7-8 years we will be married and 6-7 of those we will have been living with someone, waiting. Which we have saved a lot of money. I had to undergo surgery last year- that is now paid off. And this year I got a much needed newer car which is also paid off. So we have already been blessed. He has a wonderful good paying job and I am trying to work my up the ladder at my workplace.

I know God has a plan for us. But I am so aggravated and that comes out other places I suppose. I am so tired of being woken up by squeaks and walking our bedroom ceiling (we live in the basement underneath the kitchen). I am so tired sometimes of just having to make conversation in the morning when sometimes I want to be left alone. We have been here 2 years already.

I try to remember all the blessings. But my husband and I got married quick because it was seemed like he was going to move to a different state and go to school that following spring or fall. And it was made out to me that he couldn’t have any “distractions” while in school. I loved him and I didn’t want to do long distance so we got married right before he graduated on Christmas break.

We agree now that we were a little too young but not that we shouldn’t of gotten married. I sound so very selfish but what kind of life is it to put your spouse through years of waiting? I will have wasted my whole entire 20s waiting on him to be able to go to school and then get through the 2 or 3 year program, find a job and then start our life. What about kids? I don’t want to pop them out like bang bang bang. We haven’t even had a honeymoon because we couldn’t afford it.

Like I said I know God has a plan for us and I am trying to trust him but I am failing miserably. I would of loved for him to have already been going to school and OUT this year. I really don’t want to think like I have been thinking because it’s not all about me. And my hubby has been waiting just as long, just as disappointed if not more that he is still not getting interviews to the schools he is applying to.

He did hear from a school this year, he made it past round 1 but there are 2 more rounds before they even consider to accept him. His school credits are going to expire within the next couple years, we don’t have too much time left. We have a plan B and it is a good one but he wants to wait until he can no longer apply to master’s school before he starts plan B. And plan B is still another 2 years of schooling just a different route.

I am about to rip all my hair out just talking about it! I would go to school but I didn’t finish college so I would have about 4 years to do and I don’t want to spend that much time to get a degree and then have babies, be on maternity leave so frequently, and then quit to stay at home to raise them. It doesn’t make sense. I looked at even 2 year degrees and I can’t. Not until we know if he is accepted or not because we might have to move to a different state.

I am so defeated. I am not a patient person anyways. Our life has been hanging into balance for years and I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I just see more years go by, wasted.

How It Starts

Contacting Cowboy has really put me through the ringer. We finished our conversation yesterday with some questions he wanted me to answer. One of them was “Why did you leave me?”. I forgot to tell him because he cheated the first time we tried dating, he never admitted it during that time. But the main reason was because of his lack of maturity and after he broke my heart I couldn’t  give it back to him.

After this conversation I thanked him for talking with me and that this was helping a lot. He then began to say it was hurting him because he tried to forget all of this. I felt extremely horrible. Of course! How wouldn’t it hurt him? I don’t know if he considers me “the one that got away” or not. I didn’t ask him. He did tell me that if things were different (I wasn’t married, he didn’t have a baby or fiancé) he’d want to try again.

I kinda expected that. Not to sound arrogant but what we had reminds me of the movie the Notebook sometimes. We weren’t all lovey dovey infatuated with each other, we had something special.

We first met at a rodeo. I was there with one of my girlfriends, walking along when all of a sudden a rope was wrapped around me for no reason. I turned around and there he was, on his horse, rope in hand and around me. He pulled me in close. Sounds amazingly romantic right? That is exactly how it happened, I was so intrigued by how forward he was. But as he pulled me in close he didn’t say a word. He just kept staring at me. His friend was talking to me but he didn’t say anything.

The whole couple minutes I was there, roped, Cowboy never said a word. It got awkward so I unroped myself and left. I didn’t see him at all the rest of the night even though I tried searching for him. I didn’t even get his name I don’t think. My best friend went and got his number somehow and I didn’t know it. I was in the car getting ready to go home. She gave me his number and I put it away.

A year later. YES A YEAR! I found that number when I was going through some stuff of mine. I thought, Hey what the heck- just give it a try. I didn’t know if he would of kept the same number or not. I got the courage and called. He answered. And he remembered me.

He was actually in a different state for awhile going to school or something. And we talked for a whole year. I can’t really remember the progress after that but we made such a strong emotional connection. I knew everything about him and he knew everything about me. We could speak milestones without saying a but just a few words. I turned to him and he turned to me.

 

I can still remember how it felt when he would look at me. I remember how it was to kiss him. I still remember our song. I remember how he hugged me so tightly. I remember how we slow danced to our song at my Winter Formal. I remember his goofy laugh. I remember his sweet voice calling me darlin’. I remember the comfort he gave me after I’d have a hard day or nightmares. I remember him. Now enough of the “easy stuff to remember about my ex”. This is what I also remember:

I remember what it felt like when he cheated on me (long story, I think alcohol was involved), what it felt like when he was immature and embarrassed me. I remember what it felt like him shutting me out. I remember what it was like when I laid in his bed next to him- ready to marry him if he asked and  he got up and walked out on us because he was too scared. I remember what it was like when he wouldn’t look at me. I remember how scared I was to fully trust him. I remember how he’d get up and leave the room if I walked in. I remember what it was like when Cowboy shattered my heart. I remember how he left me and never came back.

There is a reason we didn’t work out and it wasn’t all him. I was a huge part to blame.

So anyways- after our conversation it was so easy to remember the great things and slip back into old emotions. So watch out if you talk to your ex! I told him I couldn’t be friends with him because everything comes flooding back and it’s not fair for my husband or healthy for me. And that was that.

Now the hard part- telling my husband. I called my dad and asked him how he got over his first love. I looked up some more articles and surveys. I found out that a whole 88% of married people have pondered at least once what it would be like if they were single, or without kids, or with an ex, in the privacy of their own mind. So thank goodness I am not crazy! Cowboy is my what if.

I have also come to realized with my last entry that my heart has never healed. My husband is the closest one ever to it besides Cowboy. I am selfish in nature, I think about me and what will be good for me or what I want to do, or need. I even used to think of our money separately (my money and his money) and that I was entitled to mine and he wasn’t. Now don’t get me wrong I am not a horrible unloving wife- these are subconscious actions and thoughts. I come across as lazy. I love him, I just never had the desire to do things for him for the sake of doing it. I did things for me and my future.

The longest relationship I ever had before my husband was maybe 2 or 3 months. MAX. Even Cowboy and I didn’t make it a full month I don’t think of exclusive dating but we were on and off for 3, maybe more years.

That is what I told my husband. I told him how I feel like I am selfish, my heart isn’t fully healed and I am reserved. Tears started making my eyes foggy as I told him how much I had been hurt. And how I learned to guard my heart because of abusive mother. I told him I was sorry and that I hope this didn’t hurt him. I told him the conversation between Cowboy and I. I told him everything. And I ended with a list I made for him.

The list was titled, I Love You More Because… and I would list my reasons why I loved him more than Cowboy. I only got about 6 down on the page before he came home. But I am going to write myself a copy so that when I am tempted to paint Cowboy in a romantic, dreamy light- that I see how great of my husband is and how much better he is to me than Cowboy was. One of the reasons why I love my husband more than Cowboy, is because my husband fought for me. He didn’t just leave or give up, he fought hard for me and for us.

I am my husband’s first love. He only had one other girlfriend before me and didn’t really like her. I wish I could be the same and give him the same as I gave Cowboy. There is just something about your first. I can’t explain it. But there is also something about a man that loves every part of you, accepts you for who you are, the bad, ugly and the good and who won’t leave your side no matter what.

Is An Abusive Home Always Abusive?

I have been secretly asking myself this question. It dawned on me that just because my relationship with my “mother” is abusive, manipulative, emotionally distant, liar, actress, condescending, negative, self seeking can those tendencies still remain there in that house? As you know, if you read my blog, I have little sisters that live in that same house.

I can’t do anything about it. I am cut off from that family and have been for years. I just now have made it my choice to be cut off and no contact. My home life with my mother was horrible. It was so forceful, yelling, screaming, silent treatments, punishment through many different ways, I was a hit a few times out of her anger when I was littler. I saw my sisters get so hits during one “spanking” I had to look away.

But my sisters- I can’t tell you what they truly think. They aren’t allowed to contact anyone and if they do she is right there. They are also home-schooled. I know homeschooling in itself isn’t bad but I do feel it needs to be regulated or at least checked in on from time to time. That is my personal opinion.

After CPS was called on for me, or at least my school checked in, (on my home life after I told a counselor some of the things that went on in that house) she wanted to home school me. Staying home was complete torture to me. I walked on eggshells all day. I couldn’t be kid, I didn’t have friends and I couldn’t bother her at all. Thankfully my father (they are divorced) stepped in and said  “Hell no”.

When I was growing up as a child and a teen I knew my home life wasn’t normal because I had my dad’s house to go to. I saw other family and had an escape to go to. So what does that mean for my sisters who have both of their parents still together and conducting this home school, control type thing?

Personally I feel that home-schooling for some is not about the child, I feel like it is a way to maintain control and dependency. But for the poor child who doesn’t know any different- how do you begin to explain that their home is not normal? I do not know if they go through the abuse that I did. I don’t believe it is as physical as mine was but I do believe she is emotionally neglective. She trains the children in the way she wants them to go.

Of course they have their home school friends and co-op classes but those are all pre-determined by my mother. And if my mother has made up her mind that you are a threat- goodbye to you! I wish I could call her out on all of this. But no one in the family sees it and if they do they are shutting up about it.

I can’t keep living my life worried about my sisters or what will happen or if I will have a relationship with them. As sad as it is- a time with come but right now ignorance is bliss for them. I just won’t be surprised if one or any of them won’t be able to go to church or do anything else that is a trigger. What happens when they are 18 or go to college? What will they think?

I hope with all my life that they aren’t going through the same emotions I went through secretly on my own. That would break my heart.

What’s The Purpose?

I received a phone call from a concerned family member the other day. She was concerned with how my “voice” being spoken on Facebook was going to help the situation with my mother. It was about a 30 minute call and she handled it in a way that was so refreshing. She told me her viewpoints and was just basically trying to understand why I would “accuse” my mother of abuse and why I have decided to handle things in such a public matter.

I read this quote on a site that is tremendous for toxic mother/daughter relationships:

“When someone is unrelentingly critical of you, always finds fault, can never be pleased, and blames you for everything that goes wrong- It is the insidious nature and cumulative effects of the abuse that do the damage. Over time, this type of abuse eats away at your self confidence and sense of self worth, undermining any good feelings you have about yourself and your accomplishments.”

WOW! I had to read that a couple times to really grasp what it was saying. There is another story I read in that article that helped open up my eyes as well. This is the writer explaining her defining moment of self love and standing up for herself:

 

“All I did was decide that our toxic mother/daughter relationship problems were not MY fault. Then I decided that since I realized it wasn’t my fault, I wasn’t taking the blame for it anymore. Then I drew a boundary line which bluntly stated was, “either you stop treating me in this disrespectful way or I will not have this relationship with you.” She picked the “not having a relationship with me”. OUCH. But at least I knew the truth. It was easier to move forward when I knew the truth. It wasn’t exactly the validation that I wanted but it was validating that my suspicions were true. At the end of the day I know that my mother is not a happy person. I also know that now it ISN’T MY FAULT.”

The woman also talking about something very interesting in her article. It took me for a trip especially with this phone call I just had the other day asking me what is the whole purpose of all of this.. The woman said look at your motives and her motives within the relationship. So I did and they were astonishing.

My motive in my toxic mother/daughter relationship is to be heard. I always had to stay silent. If I didn’t we would move /I would transfer schools/go to a different church/or get extremely punished. My motive is to be heard. I am so tired of everything seeming like it is made up in my head because I am a “problem child”. It is not. I wish I could transfer my memories into other people’s brain just so they can experience what I went through and what I go through.

Now my mother’s motive is to make things/stories/truth disappear and to be in control. No matter what the situation is- she wants the control, to be in control. Her motive is to be right and it is not loved based. My motive is actually love based. I just want to be heard, to heal, to move on and to have a real relationship with her. My mother “claims” she wants that but she doesn’t. She has had YEARS of opportunity. In her mind I always to something that makes me unworthy of having a relationship with her. She would rather be a sob story to get pity then to deal with her own pain, insecurities and short comings as a mother.

The phone conversation wasn’t really productive. There wasn’t a happy ending to it. I was gently given advice that the way I handled the situation was incorrect because of the long term effects it will have on my mother and I’s relationship. The family member began to tell me that I have put this wall up between me and mother. And that if they suspected any abuse they would of dug deeper into it. Well my mother puts on a very very good act. I am the only one she is this brutal with.

I told this family member there has always been a wall between us especially after she would hit me when I was little. I didn’t go into situations to “prove it” but if I would- I don’t know how it would of gone.

I wanted people to know that my mother and I do not have a relationship. I want people to start questioning her and these things. The only side effect I am worried about it how this will be for my littler sisters that are still underneath her house. I love them so much and I want what is best for them. Unfortunately I don’t know if I will ever have a relationship with them. My mother’s charm and approval means too much to children.

Sunday Anxiety

I really should get back into writing my emotions down again. I think I naturally post maybe once every couple weeks but not on a consistent basis. I think it is because when I go to type how I am feeling- that means I have to feel it. Most of the time I don’t want to feel it. It triggers anxiety, crying, fear, depression and mental exhaustion.

Anyways here I go- again… Sundays I have horrible anxiety. I haven’t been able to go to church for months. Even just saying, church, sunday, god, christian, jesus- is such a trigger I just don’t want to hear about it at all.

My husband wants to go to church and is so sweet into not pressuring me to go but I feel a huge amount of guilt for not being able to go. I just want a break. I want a break from all the rule that is expected from me, standards that were placed in my head that Christians should be. I am just tired. I want to be able to enjoy my walk of faith and not feel convicted every 5 seconds for not doing something “right.”

 

You Don’t Have To

I read a challenge on a friend’s post that despite the things that I can get overwhelmed with that I should to post a status with 2 blessings in it. I have to be honest, sometimes the negatives or the worries stick out in my mind the most. It took me a few to really dig past the norm. I have been blessed by God’s understanding. I used to feel the need to be perfect at everything or have everything perfect. Now I am learning that it is okay to not be and to have a little crazy in my life and that I don’t need to be perfect. I have also been blessed by God’s peace. I have faced some really hard challenges recently & if I sit and think about too much I will cry my eyes out. It is really hard to explain but I will do my best to. People have different definitions and standards of what a “Christian” should do, be, dress, behave, devote and many more “opinions”. To be frank, it is quite a lot to take in and I feel a lot of pressure to be something I am not. Since when is it too much to ask to just show love to all like Jesus did? To be kind, supportive, understanding, giving, loving, encouraging, considerate, thoughtful, forgiving. I am very guilty of letting my opinion dictate what I see in people and I forget to see the person for who they are and where they are in life. I can honestly say I don’t feel like I am the “standard” or the “stereotypical” Christian. I am just me, who happens to believe in Faith because of how He saved my life. I am so very blessed in not having the pressure to be the “standard” anymore. I don’t have to memorize verses, I don’t have to go to church every Sunday, I don’t have to tithe 10% every week, I don’t have to do daily devotions, I don’t have to pray every meal, I don’t have to dress in skirts/dresses… I don’t have to. If you want to, that is fine but you don’t have to. What is in my heart matters and He knows what is in it. That kind of peace is amazing to be able to have, and his understanding of where I am at and why, is an unexplainable relief. Happy Sunday everyone.

Sometimes You Just Gotta Say F It

Excuse my language but it is true. I am not proud to cuss- I never do unless something calls for it. But I have come to realize all the crap I have been through sometimes there is just no other way expressing the anger I feel.

Next week is my final week with my therapist. She will be back in another place that costs $$ back in August but I don’t know if I really need to see her after this. I have made some major breaks with all my abuse, nightmares, sexual abuse and my exercise abuse.

I was forced to run every day on the treadmill for my m. ‘s lack of self confidence in herself. She viewed me as just an extension of herself and not as my own person. The repercussions of that is she was living through me. Since she was fat in middle school and high school- I had to run every morning a certain distance under a certain time. If I didn’t reach to what she thought I should or if I fell short- I wouldn’t be allowed to go to school, basketball, or anything else she wanted to come up with.

I remember one time she caught me running with my hands on bars and was “so very disappointed in me” because in her eyes I was cheating. She wouldn’t let me go to basketball practice until I ran that mile without touching the handle bars.

I went back down there and ran that whole mile without touching the handle bars fused on anger while her fat ass sat on the couch watching me. So you can imagine the extreme hate I have for exercise, treadmills or anything pushing my body to the limits. I associated that with my m.’s abuse. If I did exercise it would either put me back into that state, make me extremely angry to the point that I wanted to cut, or so depressed I wanted to end my life.

Now- I can’t tell you what clicked but I believe it is because I disowned her publicly for the first time ever in my life. Granted some family didn’t approve and gave me a 1,2… (which doesn’t matter).. but ever since then- I am able to handle conflicts better, especially with women.

I guess I viewed all women like my mother so I would never speak up and say something if I disagreed, felt pressured, angry, hurt or what have you. I would just say silent. Well since I broke the silence with my mother, I have broken my silence entirely. Now- that doesn’t mean I shout it from the rooftops but this girl has some backbone for the first time in her life. 🙂

Now to my point of all this and the reason why I titled this blog this way.. Yesterday was my first day working out and I ran on the treadmill. I only ran .5 of a mile, but who am I am trying to impress? This is the first time I am able to truly work out in a healthy way in probably, no joke, 3 years.

Well those emotions came up in me again.. of needing to be perfect in my run, not touching the handle bars, doing everything perfectly, I even felt the sense of anger arising in me again. I didn’t panic, I didn’t stress… I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and said, “Fuck off (my mother’s name).”  That seemed to work. Now I didn’t say it outloud, I said it in my head. You can say it as many times as needed but to my surprise I only needed to say it once.

After that I am able to work out fine, I just don’t allow myself to go back to that state. I have handled it and I can deal with it when it arises but I don’t go searching for triggers or trying to remember. I hope this helps someone like it did for me.

I can’t tell you how long I have waited for the chains to break. I finally do feel free. So it is true- sometimes you do just gotta say F*&K IT. I wish you the best.

Sundays are a Trigger

I have until July 1st to see my therapist so time is precious. She told me a story about how when you talk about old wounds in a safe place and work through them & the emotions it brings to you- you are cleaning your abscess.

Abscesses are wounds within the skin full of pus and without proper treatment, they grow inside you destroying more flesh and causing more pain. But when an abscess is treated, the doctor has to go in and remove all the toxins, pus, dead flesh and clean the wound. That leaves you with a huge, tender opened hole.

Sundays feel like that to me. I had to go to church every sunday and put a smile on my face. I had to hide the abuse, go through the ritual of sunday morning church, worship, tithe, notes, prayer, communion and more.

Now since my abscess has been cleaned out and I have cut out the poison in my life- I had a huge triggers aka open holes when it comes to my Christian beliefs, sundays, prayer and worship. You would think that once you deal with pain and the emotional turmoil that you get better and feel better. My reality is I actually trigger easier, have migraines, I get so mentally exhausted and my nightmares are worse/more frequent.

I confronted my therapist about this. I am so puzzled as to why I FEEL more things. I used to just be numb and stuff things down inside of me. Now I am feeling every emotion all at once sometimes. With her soft smile and warm eyes she told me that she is proud of me.

I had to check me ears. Excuse me? You said you are proud of me? Have you been listening to the stories I have just been telling you? I feel worse! I trigger more easily and I am so exhausted anymore. How can you be proud of me when I feel so horrible, overwhelmed and just guilty for not being able to even say a full prayer for more than 10 seconds?!

My therapist simply smiled at me again. “Have you felt the need to self harm?” I looked at her blankly for a second. I answered no and that kind of surprised myself actually. I always turn to self harm when  I get overwhelmed and I hadn’t thought about that once recently when it used to be an everyday thought. She told me it is because I am allowing myself to feel my emotions and go through it.

It is like the default way I deal with things is to cut and stuff. Since I have turned away from those as a natural response- I am now no longer numb, depressed and stuffing. I am feeling, vulnerable, experiencing and dealing. That is why she is proud of me. Realizing that- I am proud of myself. It takes hard work to be in this place. It takes even harder work to allow yourself to feel.

I just can’t wait until my open sore is healed for good.