I apologize to myself for not taking the time to deal with the anxiety, the depression and the memories of the past. For awhile now I have just been consuming myself with business to not think about how I feel. I get so tired of the past holding me down, making me cry or depressing me that I suppress it.
I also have been avoiding Jesus because going to him is just a reminder of the abuse. It is so easy for me to slip back into my depression. I have so many triggers it is unbelievable. So I would rather be busy and not think about anything.
I don’t know what the correct answer is but I know in my heart if I wasn’t chained and heart broken- I would be happier and a better person.
As much as I want to deny it and not think about it not having my own mother love and want me truly defines me. It makes me feel so insecure and inadequate. It makes me question the motives of females that I know because my m. was so manipulative.
I am tired of this same old record playing. Dealing, crying, anger, avoiding, denying and repeat.