It turns out the reason why Cowboy and I didn’t work out was because it wasn’t meant to be. Normally I am the type of girl that has a hard time moving, I always think of “what if”s in my life. Cowboy had been there for after my rape, he actually would help me when I would wake up from night terrors. I could call him no matter what time of night and he would be there.
So to have a bitter end was always hard for me. I wouldn’t say because I am still in love with him because that is not true. It’s because what he has helped me through in my life as a friend. When someone comforts you through some pretty bad stuff you kinda “latch on” (is my way of putting it).
I think it is because of my abusive home life- I am dependable on other people. I couldn’t really stand up for myself. My self confidence came from how others desired me. My worth came from being wanted by boys or approval from authority figures. It’s like boys were my drug and I had to have it.
I dated lots of guys growing up and I think a little piece of me is still stuck in that “survival mode” with each and every relationship. I don’t know how to properly grieve, I never have. Even at funerals I will be numb completely until a few months to years later it hits me. Then I break down.
I want to be able to feel again. I want to give my hubby my whole heart. It doesn’t help that we (hubby an I) have a history of cheating on each other when we were dating. We both have forgiven each other and have moved on. But have I really, subconsciously? Or I am still holding back to not be completely invested. I believe I had to hold my heart back when I was a child from my mother.
Her demeaning comments, yells, screams, punishments, hits, attitude would always make me feel unwanted and guarded. I am not trying to put the blame on her but I believe this is where I learned to guard my heart. And then all my failed relationships were because my heart wasn’t there completely.
I am trying to learn how to heal my heart, get rid of my “what if”s and the guilt, move on, grieve and piece back together my heart.