Guilt from Past Relationships

I always blog about what I am going through and recently I have been facing a guilt from how I treated an ex boyfriend of mine. We weren’t so nice to each other at some points. Probably because of immaturity, confusion, jealously and I don’t know what else.

I have had this guilt for some time and it comes and gos. I dated his best friend just to get back at him for ditching me. (I know super horrible) We had years of on and off again. He was the first to have my heart and I think he still does have a part of it. Not that I would leave my husband for him at all, my husband is wonderful and what we have is amazing. But you always remember your first.

Anyways I feel so badly for how much I intentionally hurt him. I have wanted for years to tell him I am sorry but I never keep contact with exes. There is just too much temptation to hash out the old feelings and get caught up in the past.

Plus this guy, we will call him Cowboy, Cowboy ditched me after our relationship got really serious without a word. I would of married him then and there if he would of asked me to but instead he ditched me and never spoke to me again. Pretty confusing after our years of friendship and off/on again relationship.

I read an article online that if you feel so guilty about how you treated someone let them know you are sorry. BUT don’t do it for your own selfish benefit. Just apologize and move on with your life. Some people might not respond, or want to hear it, or not take you seriously if it ended really bad.

Thankfully Cowboy accepted my apology and I feel a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. So now when ever I am reminded of him- I would have that huge flood of guilt wash over me. It was nice while it lasted but we weren’t meant to be.

It’s hard to give your heart to someone else whole. I am still trying to understand and just trying to give my husband my whole heart. I feel like some of me is reserved and still out for my best interest. I don’t know how to shake it out of me. I have to learn that I can trust, subconsciously learn.

Love is not a feeling 100% of the time, love is a choice.

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