I really should get back into writing my emotions down again. I think I naturally post maybe once every couple weeks but not on a consistent basis. I think it is because when I go to type how I am feeling- that means I have to feel it. Most of the time I don’t want to feel it. It triggers anxiety, crying, fear, depression and mental exhaustion.
Anyways here I go- again… Sundays I have horrible anxiety. I haven’t been able to go to church for months. Even just saying, church, sunday, god, christian, jesus- is such a trigger I just don’t want to hear about it at all.
My husband wants to go to church and is so sweet into not pressuring me to go but I feel a huge amount of guilt for not being able to go. I just want a break. I want a break from all the rule that is expected from me, standards that were placed in my head that Christians should be. I am just tired. I want to be able to enjoy my walk of faith and not feel convicted every 5 seconds for not doing something “right.”