D Y S L E X I A * D S Y L E X I A

I have never been diagnosed with dyslexia but I do know I have it. I don’t know if it’s from the lack of nurturing from my m. or also because it’s in my family. I would say a little bit of both. I also have a stammer or stutter whatever you want to call it. Not as bad as it was but it comes out in stressful/confrontational situations. I am very quick minded but not quick with my speech. Also sorry for any missing words in my blogs. My mind works so fast in what I want to say that my fingers cannot keep up and a lot of the times I miss out on words like  a, the, and, it’s, to, etc.

Let me tell you a little bit about my “lack of nurturing” from my m. This story whenever I tell it or think about it makes me want to cry. You know how your body reacts when someone offends you or treats you like you’re stupid. That is exactly how I felt everyday when I lived with her. Not only did I have to watch what I said but how much I would “bother” her.

She would close up the doors and have to take several naps throughout the day just to function. I doubt she was on any pills but she’d be out like a light. And never ever in a good mood. I was walking on egg shells everyday around her. She wasn’t someone you could be a noisy, regular, messy child around. You had to sit, play quietly and not be messy. When it was nice outside I would be locked out of the house sometimes until she decided to let me in. I was an only child at this point of my life and no friends allowed to come over either.

That part of my life doesn’t bother me. What bothered me most is when I would need help with something. If I had a question on spelling or needed know something she would say, “Well go look it up.” “Go figure it out.” In the meanest tone ever. It made me come to tears every single time. I could of asked her in the nicest way possible- it wouldn’t of made a difference. She would always SIGH the most dramatic sigh ever as if to imply I was imposing on her and her time. She would also roll her eyes at me. My heart would break because I felt so unwanted and stupid for not knowing. My eyes would well up with tears. My ears would ring and my cheeks would flush with embarrassment.

My dyslexia was worse when I was stressed and also my stammer. My brain just couldn’t find the words or if it did they would come out in jumbled mess or backwards. I felt like such an idiot- so I rarely spoke when stressed. I felt like the dumbest kid on earth. I still have trouble telling time on analog watch. I know what the numbers mean but numbers are so hard for me. Words move across the pages. I see them backwards at times. Especially when reading I could read the same line over and over and not know it. Or read a chapter in the book and not recall what I read or what the story was about.

Numbers are worse for me than words. Phone numbers, dates, addresses, math problems, money, time- I get it all switched around in my head. I can’t tell right from left barely. I always have to stop and think about it. Now  if that isn’t explained to a child, that child feels like the stupidest person alive. Words are so powerful. Everyone has their word  they believe about themselves at times when they are really down. Like loser, lazy, ugly, stupid, fat- everyone does. And that word at your lowest day creeps into your mind and you think about it over and over. Maybe not, maybe it’s just me but I do know when people are upset, down on themselves or feel like they’ve failed at something they say that one word that hits a nerve.

I am not saying my m. worsened my dyslexia but she did cause my stutter, stammer. I had developed that stammer all because of her lack of nurturing. I was never applauded or loved for accomplishments. I barely accomplished anything because it was never what I wanted to do. She cut me off, made me feel stupid and over time those nerves had an affect on me.

The one phrase she always says that still makes my heart jump when anyone says it is “Excuse me?” I think that is the rudest thing to say. Maybe not to you but I hate that phrase. She would always say that in some condescending tone when I said something she didn’t like, agree with or if she just didn’t want to answer me. She didn’t say it nicely but rather EXXX CUUUUSE ME? If that helps. lol. Another thing she did was sometimes she wouldn’t answer me at all. It was like I wasn’t even there.

As I grew up if I asked for help or a question and people ignored me- I would go into shut down mode immediately. I would think that they hated me, I was a waste of space and that I should just leave. When in reality, I have such a soft voice no one could hear me. I think I have a natural soft voice when asking a question is because I had to with my m. to avoid confrontation. Now I am getting better but if someone intimidates me for whatever reason I will use that same approach. Like a dog belly up to show submission.

Another thing I just realized as well is that each woman in my life (that sounds weird). Each woman that I know that is older than me- I treat like my mother. I see my mother. Not because they have the same qualities because they don’t. But because that is how warped my mind is. I want approval. I want attention, I want to be perfect, smart, impressive and I guess deep down prove to them I am worth the space.

I have to say to myself sometimes, “she is not my mother” to get my mind right. I guess that is also why I am so sensitive to women feedback and their judgements about me. Maybe if I get other women’s approval my m. will realize I am not that bad of a person. Maybe.

*                                               *                                                 *

As a side note- these blogs are helping me realize just how much my m. has affected me in my life. I hope to break the chains that hold me. I want to be free and finally be the person I want to be without having to fear “what will she think”.

Thank you all for the likes, the follows and the comments- it means a lot to me. In these blogs I am baring my soul for the first time ever and am very nervous to do so. The support from you helps encourage me that not all people think I am waste or crazy. 🙂

 

8 thoughts on “D Y S L E X I A * D S Y L E X I A

  1. Yes, this does make me cry. My mom died when I was six years old, and left with a step-mom that sounds like your mom. However, it made me strong, and it also made me a great mom. During my 20’s my life was going downhill fast. I started paying a therapist (took most of my paycheck) and discovered I too desperately wanted motherly love. However, I was looking to the wrong person; the woman I wanted to love me was incapable of doing that!

    My therapist asked me a great question. “If I met this woman and had lunch with her, would she be a person I would pursue a friendship with?” “No way, she hurt me so many times, why in the world would I want to be her friend?”

    That is the day, I stopped waiting or wanting her approval. She became “Someone I use to know!” I have three daughters, and we are best friends, not always, because I am their mother, their teacher, and often, I am their boss. However, they are my passion, and my posse!

    • That is wonderful that you were able to break free from all of that. I hope to one day do so as well. I miss my sisters greatly and that is what keeps hurting the most. Plus I have never broken free, talked or dealt with the traumas I have faced.

      • Everyone handles life differently. I became the angry child, but my sister developed bi-polar syndrome. I also married an abused man. That was the reason I started paying for therapy. I was scared, angry and I swore I would not have children. Oh what a pair we were; had the same hang-ups. However, after I tried to run over him with a car (still a great memory by the way) I decided I was out of control. I got away by literally running away from everyone and everything. I could not find myself, until I was alone all by myself. It was quite a learning experience, but with a happy ending. I met my second husband on a blind date, the love of my life and still my best friend and we have three great children; Annie is my youngest.
        A lot of people say you are crazy to go therapy, but it saved my life, and the life of my first husband (*smile*)

      • I have a love/hate of going to therapy. I love it because I know over time I will be able to overcome the pain and hurt. I hate it because it kicks up so many emotions I would rather forget. Congrats on your life now. 🙂 My husband is amazing and so supportive. Along with his family. We do not have any children yet which I am thankful for. I don’t want to raise children while I am going through all of this. I am the angry child. I am worried about my little sisters still living there though and how it is for them and if they are okay.

      • Oh yeah that emotional part; I actually walked out on a few sessions. The hardest lesson he gave me was to walk out on my mom, when she started putting me down. I actually had to walk out the door while she was talking three times before she realized I would not put up with her negative verbal vomit! It is hard leaving the younger ones behind, however I did not have that situation. I was the younger one left behind. Keep trying, and with support of others, you will get through it. I am not a religious person, but one time a friend said to me, “Gina, God does not bring you to it, unless he knows you can get through it!” I always remember that!

      • Thank you. I am trying so hard. For all my life I stayed involved with my mother just to try and keep a relationship with my sisters. Now it is to the point she doesn’t let anyone around them unsupervised. I had to come to the realization that you were talking about. I have to walk out. I love my sisters dearly but I can’t keep harboring this. I need to find myself and love myself to then maybe one day help them figure this out themselves and much more quickly. 🙂

      • Yes, it is hard, but it gets easier for each day you let go of the past and live in the present! The best thing I ever did was move away from my family! Good Luck, and you can do it.

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