I wish I could just swallow all my anxiety. Why does it have to roar up at every waking moment? I don’t understand how every little distraction bothers me. I wish I could be carefree, spontaneous and full of life. Instead I dread the presence of people and “putting on” my smile. Thank goodness my pup is here with me, sleeping so peacefully. When I watch him sleep so soundly, it eases my storm inside. His presence and unconditional love gives me peace I want so desperately.
I have never had the courage to bear my soul completely. I just stuff everything down inside without even thinking. For the first time in my life I am starting to bear my soul to someone on a couch, in a quiet warm room once a week. But after that first meeting this week- what about the days after? Bearing my soul for 60 minutes to then just cutting it off? How do I contain the waves of emotion that follow throughout the rest of the week? I must go for now. The smile needs “put on”. Until next entry.